You handled the situation w/grace and dignity. If the in-laws want to know more about the situation, they can ask their son about it. Of course, he will have a different tale or completely change the subject w/them, but at least they now know that something isn't right in Denmark, so to speak.
You do not need to explain anything more to them at this time. They can piece together what is going on and go from there. If they ask questions, then you can answer them, but until they do...I wouldn't say another word.
In time, once the dust settles, you may decide to go visit them again. After all, you are the mother of their grandchild. For now, keep the focus on you and your child. Life has a way of working things out and there's no need to bring worry to your door about your in-laws and what they think.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
The Mlcer family will side with them at least for a while till they see first hand the craziness the MLCer brings
It took a few months until My XH family could see first hand the damage he was creating I never had to say a word to them except .. I am ok ..the kids are ok.. I wish the best for him
Its just takes time who he is becoming will speak the truth and you can stand tall without ever saying a word
as you work on forgiveness, your son will learn from you Your H is not bad he is a sick person running from inner child issues, running from pain from his childhood
Unfortunately for many in crises, they may not have the awareness of ever working their demons out
Hang in and continue to work on you your son will reap the benefits of a healthy mom
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
Last night was my stepdad’s family Christmas dinner. The whole family knows about the separation and the reasons behind it.
I went over early in the afternoon with S1 and we all went for a swim. S1 is overconfident and underskilled in the pool, which makes things interesting. Luckily I used to teach swimming so I can handle it. Once the kids were dressed and occupied with toys, my sister and I did our makeup together listening to Christmas music. Lots of fun!
After dinner, I was chatting with my uncle. He said how disappointed he was with H because he had always loved him like a son. He told me he’d tried to call him a few weeks ago with no answer. I said it was not surprising after H deleted all the family and my friends from Facebook.
Uncle said he was still so shocked and would never have expected behaviour like this from H, who was the nicest guy and always made a beeline for Uncle at family gatherings to chat and have a laugh. He then said something I thought was interesting. He had always thought H was nice, but not the kind of guy you’d expect to have your back in a bar fight. I asked what he meant. He clarified that he though H was not an honourable man.
After dinner, we watched some digitised home videos, including one from my stepdad’s father’s 60th birthday party. I never met him, but my stepdad is one of the best men I’ve ever met, so he must have been a h3ll of a guy. The video captured all the speeches and it seemed he was truly loved and respected by many people. It got me to thinking about my life. What will my friends say at my 60th? Or H’s?
Later, I asked Uncle what gave him that impression about H. He said that even though H went out of his way to speak to him at parties, he noticed that he never included me, or returned to me when he was done. It was always onto the next source of entertainment. He also said that H always served himself first without making sure I had a drink, or was seated comfortably, or had someone to talk to, or whatever.
Uncle’s wife told him he was old-fashioned. Uncle reiterated his strong belief that the most important quality a man has has in life is honour. He implored me to raise S1 with this quality and I promised I would.
A quick little vent. My dad has been in town for the holidays since last Sunday.
My parents separated when I was 11, but they are completely amicable now and dad always stays with Mum and Stepdad whenever he visits - usually once a year. Now, as an adult, I can see that his life has pretty much been a shambles since my mum left him 20 years ago after years of trying to get him to participate in marriage and family life.
He was the big shot that everyone loved, the funny guy with the loud voice. He was also emotionally unavailable, avoidant, didn't respect boundaries - the works. Sounds familiar, huh? I get along fine with him, and share things that are going on in my life, but I have no idea what goes on in his life. I'm perfectly fine with the depth of our relationship and don't want anything more.
On Monday I took S1 to mum's place for dinner. Dad was very happy to see his only grandchild. We had polite chit-chat and did the awkward one-armed side-hug.
I have strong boundaries about my personal space because Dad has never respected it. As a child, he would flick, slap, pinch, tickle, fidget, caress etc, and occasionally drive me to tears with his physical attention. I won't call it affection, though I'm sure in his mind it was. He would literally trap me in a hug and rub his beard stubble on my face even after I told him I didn't like it and please stop and would eventually scream to be let go. He would either laugh and tell me to stop being silly, or get grumpy and offended at the thought he'd done something wrong.
So for years now, I haven't allowed any at all, because it makes me extremely uncomfortable. He still reacts badly when I politely turn down a hug or escape from a shoulder rub. He will sulk and 'punish' me by withdrawing his attention. The manipulation is quite childish and obvious.
He knew I had the day off last Wednesday, yet booked in a day trip to visit an old drinking buddy. I'm guessing this was in retaliation for Monday night's offense. Before he arrived for this visit, he sent messages telling me he would have so much time to spend with me and S1 and that he couldn't wait to see us. But it did't seem like he was making us a priority...
He also made himself scarce from the family gathering last night, which is understandable. When he got home, he asked if I had plans today and I said no, feel free to come over. I suggested we take S1 to the beach for a swim. He then backtracked and said he had to go shopping so he might be able to fit us in if he had time... Okay, whatever.
Woke up to rain this morning and a phone call saying he was going to the shops and we could meet him there if we wanted. The last place I wanted to be was in the last-minute shopping madness - I deliberately did all my shopping weeks ago to avoid it. So I said no thanks, but you're welcome to pick up lunch and bring it here. He said he would be there at 11:30.
Now, like all toddlers, S1 has a midday nap. 11:30 came and went. 11:45 he messages to say he'd be another 20 minutes. 12:05 and S1 is hungry and overtired. Finally at 12:15 he arrives with fast food. S1 isn't in the mood to eat so I say he can have his lunch afterwards since it's an hour past naptime. I tell Dad I had planned to take a nap as well and he's welcome to hang out and watch TV until S1 wakes up so they can play. I swear, he actually huffed like a moody teenager and said "No, I'll just nick off and come back later". So off he went.
So now I'm sitting here typing this out instead of napping, because I'm a bit annoyed.
I think once we start doing the healing work, we realize how it was not just our MLCer whose trauma caused the rupture. Likewise our own traumas may have be the reason we were attracted to the MLCer, to play out that wound all over again. I always thought I was dating men who were nothing like my dad or nothing like my family; now, looking back, I find it terrifying to realize that I ended up marrying someone who would become the spitting MLC image of my mother.
I had/have the same problem with my parents, that physical block that I even felt was a repulsion toward them. I used to beat myself up for it and sometimes I still do. But all kids WANT parental affection when things are not disordered, so it must really go deep for both us and surely, like Robin WIlliams says in Good Will Hunting, IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT.
From my far vantage point reading your story I would just tell you to be easy on yourself and not read too much into your dad's behavior. You seem to have quite a lot of expectations of him; expectations are why we feel disappointed each time these things happen. Maybe you can practice some of what you are learning here -- more than what you have already done, I mean -- just in terms of not thinking anything you do or say can change your dad, and just accepting that reality as you GAL.
I would also say that many grandparents don't have any memory of what babies need as far as schedules, etc., and usually see our mothering as being overly focused on the kids. My dad is the same even now that my kids are tween/teen and he knows that they have experienced so much loss, he will even say he doesn't want to go on a vacation with us because my choices "revolve too much around the kids." Some of that is just normal grandparent stuff and some is your dad's NPD or whatever his clusterB disorder is!
I believe I will see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord with courage. Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.
He came back from having a beer at the pub and started a roundabout conversation about whether S1 had a bank account. I said no. He then told me Grandma gave him $1000 for S1 and $500 for me to buy a new bed. Apparently when I visited her earlier in the month, I mentioned that I no longer have a spare bed after H moved out.
He said once I set up a savings account for S1, I can have the money. I said why don’t you just transfer it to my savings account? He said no because it’s for a specific purpose. He also refused to give me the $500 for the bed until I’m ready to buy it. Again, because it’s for a specific purpose.
Am I wrong in thinking this is a control tactic? I’m a grown woman with a child and a mortgage. I don’t need my father to tell me how and when to spend my money. If that money was a gift from Grandma, should it not be passed on to me? Dad is notoriously bad with money and for him to not trust me with it is pretty insulting.
Tried to edit above to address Gerda’s response, but ran out of time.
Good point about expectations. I’m not stewing over Dad’s behaviour. I’ve had a long time to accept that this is all he’s capable of being. Venting here is all I need to process it. I did enjoy your post and will ponder those thoughts for a while.
It sounds to me like your father is either trying to control the situation over the money. It's not his money to hold hostage. If your grandmother wanted you to have this money, then he should give it to you...after all, you are a grown woman and will do what is best for you and your child.
Your father sounds like he is a bit lost in the world and doesn't know how to deal w/the real world. He sounds like he may have had a MLC at some point because he still sulks if you aren't all into those hugs, etc.
Keep your expectations very low w/him because I do think he has no clue how to communicate w/you because you are not that little girl of yesteryear...but a strong, independent woman who knows her mind.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Is it also possible that your dad is trying to protect your money from your H by not giving it to you until you’re ready to dispose of it? I say call his bluff and take him with you to the bank to start the account for son (you’ll need money to deposit anyway). Don’t give HIM a chance to p!ss it away.
Last edited by job; 12/23/1907:31 PM. Reason: edited language
kml, gave you a good idea...call your dad's bluff. You don't want him having that money in his possession too long or he may very well use it for himself. It would be interesting how your dad would take it if you did call his bluff.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
