MLC or Exit Afffair?

[job]

When my former h was doing this, I would just ignore what he was doing and tried not to react to his disrespectful behavior. I eventually began to look at him as a roommate and nothing more.

Have you given any thought to the fact that he might be doing this to get you so angry that you would say something...hence a fight would happen? Sometimes they do things like this to get us to pick a fight w/them to justify why they are doing stuff and then it helps them to open the door and leave.

Sit quietly, do not react to his poor behavior. He's a man/child right now and doesn't think about anyone else but himself. Let's see if he continues this behavior after Christmas. At his age, he certainly can't continue burning the candle at both ends w/o getting run down and/or sick.

[cardinal]

For those who have been DBing for a while, how did you get past the feeling disrespected and angry? It is killing me.

My feeling is that even if you want to divorce me, how can you mistreat me this way when I have been loyal to you for 14 years+?.

I used to feel so much anger too, HesAble. I was just writing on my thread about how it's harder now when he is home than when he's out. Just like you say, it seems like one thing for our S to want a divorce, another for them to treat us with less respect than a stranger would after all these years.

I try to let the anger move through me. It helped to have others to vent to, because I didn't want to hold on to the anger, and I didn't want H to see it either. The 'old' me would have given him the reaction he was expecting--any reaction. Part of my 180 is realizing I can't control his decisions, but I can try to not let them affect me or my PMA.

I've only been at this for about six months, but it has gotten somewhat easier to maintain calm. When I do feel anger, it doesn't last as long as it used to, for the reasons mentioned by jac and Job, and probably because I've just gotten used to his behavior. I try to remind myself this is not about me and this is not normal H; this is MLC H grasping for happiness. I come here and read threads and try to summon more empathy for what he may be going through.

That said, he just left the house without saying a word to me (which has been his practice for a while now), and it still makes me a little mad, probably because I can remember when he did at least say bye. It's a process, I guess!

[HesAble]

I confided in a few really supportive friends (one is divorced but she was the WAW) about what I am going through. I wish I never had because two of them (especially the WAW) are so pessimistic about the prospect of the marriage being saved.

I have now gotten a counselor to talk to (wish I had done that earlier) but my friends check in regularly and ask questions, then start talking about what a narcissist I am with and how I should just take steps to prepare for divorce. One asks how on earth I could ever trust H again, particularly since I have no idea where he hangs out all night.This may be true but hearing it is not helping me with the DB process.

Thank God for this board where I can get positive reinforcement.

[cardinal]

I am glad you have found an IC--I hope he/she gives you the kind of support you need, and if not, don't be afraid to consult with some others if you think it's not the right fit. I'm sorry some of your friends contribute more to the negativity. It's such hard work to stay positive and not get sucked in to the S's version of everything, IMO. It's also hard to walk away feeling worse, instead of better, after you've confided in a friend. I have two friends in particular who I've found myself confiding in the most, because they understand that I need help staying positive, and they get why I'd want to have hope in the first place.

I also feel like it was important for me to be able to tell these friends what kind of support I needed early on, i.e. I need to vent about H, but I don't want you to get angry at H too; I need you to help me have a greater, more loving perspective in this moment. Do you think your friends would be responsive if you told them what kind of support would be most helpful to you right now?

[Jac12]

Yes, and keep in mind your friends typically just want to see you happy and they think you'll be happy quicker if you divorce.

One thing I learned was that I should never have talked to my friends or even really my family about all this - just makes it harder if things end up working out.

You really need to do your best to separate yourself from his mess. Figure out how you can be a better partner in the future - with him or someone else...only time will tell and nobody has any idea.

[HesAble]

Yes, and keep in mind your friends typically just want to see you happy and they think you'll be happy quicker if you divorce.

One thing I learned was that I should never have talked to my friends or even really my family about all this - just makes it harder if things end up working out.

You really need to do your best to separate yourself from his mess. Figure out how you can be a better partner in the future - with him or someone else...only time will tell and nobody has any idea.

I am not sure. I think the two that are negative secretly never liked H in the first place so they now feel validated in their initial concerns about him. They have both called him a narcissist and said they always saw narcissistic tendencies. One says he is being mean in a very passive-aggressive way and she thinks I am in an emotionally abusive situation. H has never hit me but she thinks he is controlling me by threatening this divorce. She has also told me that another friend could not stand him, but never told me; I have not confided in that friend, thank goodness because I don't need more negativity.

Nevertheless, it is worth a try to tell the friends I have already confided in what kind of support I need.

[wooba]

Try thinking about it this way- your H is in crisis and he has trouble managing even his own issues, so to expect him to think in your shoes and how you feel etc is pointless. Also key word- expectations. You are angry because you expect to be treated better. You expect that he keeps a minimum level of consideration. Let go of that expectation. Resentment grows when expectations are not met, and it’s not good for your PMA.

Friends can only speculate because they are not living your life and they never have. Nobody knows your sitch better than you do, only you can decide whether it is the right decision to stand for your M. I haven’t updated the few close friends who knows about my situation in awhile, mainly because I find the forum to be a better outlet for me than my friends. Friends tend to choose sides, either way doesn’t really help you looking at things from a neutral perspective. Hang in there, time is on your side.

[HesAble]

Try thinking about it this way- your H is in crisis and he has trouble managing even his own issues, so to expect him to think in your shoes and how you feel etc is pointless. Also key word- expectations. You are angry because you expect to be treated better. You expect that he keeps a minimum level of consideration. Let go of that expectation. Resentment grows when expectations are not met, and it’s not good for your PMA.

Friends can only speculate because they are not living your life and they never have. Nobody knows your sitch better than you do, only you can decide whether it is the right decision to stand for your M. I haven’t updated the few close friends who knows about my situation in awhile, mainly because I find the forum to be a better outlet for me than my friends. Friends tend to choose sides, either way doesn’t really help you looking at things from a neutral perspective. Hang in there, time is on your side.

You are right about friends only being able to speculate. I have neglected in good times to tell them about sweet things that H did and only spoke about negative things. Generally when all is well, we forget sometimes to mention the good.

[HesAble]

Today's Mood: today I do not want to see or hear from H. The mere sight of him angers me. After breaking my heart, he is walking around like he is having the time of his life. I do not want to become the bitter ex. I wish I could get off this emotional roller coaster.

[Jac12]

I wish I could get off this emotional roller coaster.

That's your choice...this is his roller coaster and the more you detach and GAL, the less emotionally reactive you'll be to his actions.

Might be easy to say and hard to do but you have to start somewhere. Pretend you are observing this person through a glass jar - it might help you to step outside of yourself a little.