Please do not "assume" anything when it comes to your spouses. There are a couple of possibilities of where he may have been after hours, i.e., sleeping in his vehicle, staying over a friends place or just riding around. When we assume something, it makes us that much more frustrated and angry. The best thing to think he is innocent until proven guilty. He will eventually tell on himself.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Please do not "assume" anything when it comes to your spouses. There are a couple of possibilities of where he may have been after hours, i.e., sleeping in his vehicle, staying over a friends place or just riding around. When we assume something, it makes us that much more frustrated and angry. The best thing to think he is innocent until proven guilty. He will eventually tell on himself.
I will try not to assume but, because he has always had a high libido and now won't touch me with a 10 foot pole plus because he has been unfaithful before, I assume he is with some OW. I will try hard to stop assuming.
Last edited by HesAble; 12/20/1911:23 PM.
H and Me - Both 45; S13 and D9 BD - 11/2019 Married 14 years; Together 20 years
My H goes out random nights of the week and stays out all night, but one thing I can be sure of is that he will definitely hang out a lot on the weekend. I used to live for weekends. Now I hate to see the weekend coming because I know he will be coming in mornings, stressing me.
During the weekday, I stay busy and am generally in the office, taking kids to extracurricular activities, etc. When the weekend comes, there is just more down time (although I generally am still moderately busy with kids activities and church) and more time to think about H. Gonna have to work harder to GAL on the weekend.
Last edited by HesAble; 12/21/1901:00 AM.
H and Me - Both 45; S13 and D9 BD - 11/2019 Married 14 years; Together 20 years
Hesable- just curious, have your children asked any questions regarding H’s behavior?
My daughter asked one morning, "Where's daddy?" Also, I have heard my son pulling apart the shades late at night to look outside when I do not recall him doing this before. One night I heard him go down to the basement and come back to his room. They have both asked me, "Are you ok?" on multiple occasions when I was trying to hold it together in the beginning right after the BD.
Even before the BD, H would generally come home from "work" on weekdays when the children were in bed, so they probably don't think it is that unusual to go to bed when he is not at home. He is generally home by the time they wake up around 7 a.m. There were two or three times when he came in much later in the morning (on weekends or a Monday). On weekends, however, my oldest child stays up later gaming and I think that is how he has noticed that something is off.
Also, of course they have to notice how cold and distant H has been to me (when he used to be affectionate - he was the guy who would make a stranger gag with PDA) even though they have never asked questions or mentioned it. He is still warm and fuzzy with them during the few times he is around.
Last edited by HesAble; 12/21/1902:41 AM.
H and Me - Both 45; S13 and D9 BD - 11/2019 Married 14 years; Together 20 years
Another morning of waking up and seeing that H has not come home. A good friend said she would ask him to get his own place if he needs to stay out all night so often, but I truly need him to contribute to mortgage and bills. If he moved, it would just cause financial issues. I am trying now to save in the event he decides to just leave.
Bah humbug.
H and Me - Both 45; S13 and D9 BD - 11/2019 Married 14 years; Together 20 years
On weekends, however, my oldest child stays up later gaming and I think that is how he has noticed that something is off.
Also, of course they have to notice how cold and distant H has been to me (when he used to be affectionate - he was the guy who would make a stranger gag with PDA) even though they have never asked questions or mentioned it.
I'm sorry to hear that. It is rough. I've noticed that my eldest notices very quickly when H leaves his sight these days and immediately asks where dad is going. They also have not asked questions yet but I'm pretty sure they sense something is off.
You're gonna get there. I remember those days when I'd get really anxious and I'd wake up in the middle of the night to see if he's home yet. and then he started not coming home at all. there was no notice, just sudden absence. And now I also rather for him to move out completely but I haven't brought it up. Still just taking it one day at a time to see where this thing goes....
Woosa: Yes, "one day at a time" is my new mantra. I am trying to focus more of self-care than I have in the past. I realize the stress from this will wear me down if I don't look out for myself.
H and Me - Both 45; S13 and D9 BD - 11/2019 Married 14 years; Together 20 years
I feel so disrespected when my H does these hurtful things without apologizing (e.g., coming in at 6 and 7 a.m. after being out all night). The disrespect angers me. For those who have been DBing for a while, how did you get past the feeling disrespected and angry? It is killing me.
My feeling is that even if you want to divorce me, how can you mistreat me this way when I have been loyal to you for 14 years+? Thank goodness he is nice and warm to the children (although I do wonder how was able to completely switch to ice cold with me in a matter of 24 hours). It really is like a body snatcher took my real H and left me with a complete jerk.
Last edited by HesAble; 12/21/1905:21 PM.
H and Me - Both 45; S13 and D9 BD - 11/2019 Married 14 years; Together 20 years
I feel so disrespected when my H does these hurtful things without apologizing (e.g., coming in at 6 and 7 a.m. after being out all night). The disrespect angers me. For those who have been DBing for a while, how did you get past the feeling disrespected and angry? It is killing me.
My feeling is that even if you want to divorce me, how can you mistreat me this way when I have been loyal to you for 14 years+? Thank goodness he is nice and warm to the children (although I do wonder how was able to completely switch to ice cold with me in a matter of 24 hours). It really is like a body snatcher took my real H and left me with a complete jerk.
I just assume that's what has happened (the body snatching) and try to realize that this isn't about us (the LBS). They are going through their own struggle and I try to be empathetic to that. The more I realize this is their issue, the less their words/actions affect me.
Not sure if that helps but over time it'll get a little easier. Whether it's positive or negative you can't read into anything they are saying at this point. It took my WW 10 months to apologize for staying out until 3am on the weekends while I was at home looking after our son. Patience and understanding are key...use this time to connect more with your kids and work on yourself.
H 37 W 31 S 2
T: 7 M: 4
BD 12/18 Separated 2/19 Living back together 04/06/2019 W Moved out again 07/15/2019
