Divorce because I betrayed her trust - PART 6

[DS9]

Hey Dan

Sounds like you're doing well mate. With the gift, I would have just got her a gift card and put iti in one of those nice gift card wallets - made out of cardboard, beautifully decorated etc. That was if she gives you a gift it's in your pocket ready to go. If not, it stays in your pocket.

How's the gym improvements going? Noticing the changes?

Cheers, DS

[DaB35]

Hi DS

Yes, thinking about the gift card idea. I'll think on it and decide later today.
Have to go to the house tomorrow to sign a form (W has left it on the dining table for me) and pick up a few things.

Gym is going well. Yoga is really helping in particular; I do it every Wednesday evening, and it just relaxes me and clears my head for an hour. I'm upping weights gradually and seeing changes now. I've always had a very slight and skinny build, so it'll take time to tone up properly but obviously not looking to body build or anything like that!!

My parents and sister have cards for W. I will take them and leave them on the table. I think that's fine; they cannot be said to be pursuing since they and W haven't spoken in 6 months. I won't get her a card.

[DS9]

Hey Dan don’t think too much about the gift card just do it. Something generic like you’d give to a colleague. China set was something you’d give in your old life.

Gifts are tough sometimes. I remember our first xmas together I got her a CD. She was banging on about how much she loved a band so I got her the CD. She absolutely lost it saying a CD isn’t something you give for a special occasion blah blah. Mind you oftentimes she’d forget gifts for me or do something at the last minute. Anyway.

With gym don’t just go for toned go for bulk then tone. I was slim too but tall. I’m getting really happy with my chest shoulders and rib muscles and am doing heavy weight but short reps. Really transform so next time she sees you she drools at your physical stature and is seduced by your happy confident commanding vibe and presence. Her not seeing you is giving you the gift of time to transform and surprise her.

I would have your relos post her the cards. Anyway why on earth would they want to give her anything?

Cheers ds

[DaB35]

Thanks DS. At the mo I'm doing 3x12reps for most things and gradually increasing when I can. Are you saying I could try doing 3x8reps for example but with heavier weights, and that'll give quicker results?

Yes I've really taken the chance of this NC period to improve on my appearance. I was never scruffy but I always walked out in public with a timidness and reluctance to portray confidence. Everyone is now saying I'm looking well, and "carrying myself" better and look more confident, so it's obviously working!

It's more of a cultural thing. My mum is half-Indian. It's basically a culture of be generous to everyone, even if they've wronged/upset you. My dad just goes along with it and doesn't see a problem with it. My sister has picked up on this and she always sends cards, presents etc. They are very forgiving and patient people (to an extent lol!).

Having to fill in a few forms regarding the house sale. We have to stipulate what we'll be taking, leaving, etc. W has done the majority of it - she's just asked me to check a few things.

[DS9]

Hey Dan yeah I reckon try the shorter reps but higher weights. Ie instead of 12 at 10kg barbell try 8 at 15kg.

They say you should only be able to do 8 to 12 reps before you can’t do anymore if it’s the right weight

Good on you for transforming Dan it must be pleasing to hear the compliments

I hear you about the culture thing. Do you identify strongly with your Indian heritage? I think i too have that trait. I’m of Polish descent and dad was very proud of our noble roots and the gentlemanly aspects which I always aspired to. Keep being a generous gentleman Dan, but perhaps tone down the generosity with XW . And just be mindful of not getting taken advantage of!

Cheers ds

[DaB35]

Yes good advice, thanks!

OK. I will try that when I go tonight. I'm up to 60kg on the leg press, 35kg on the lat machine and 'low row'. Shoulder Press is still a challenge; I'm on 15kg @ 12 reps and that's tough! I'll keep that as it is, but I'll try upping everything else by 2.5 to 5kg more.

Yes the compliments, mainly from friends and colleagues, are a massive boost. It says to me that I'm dealing with all of this in a right way. Old me would have been very depressed and unwilling to do anything, just pining for W, begging even now etc. So me getting out and GALing is a huge 180 in the first place.

I don't identify strongly with my Indian roots. Discussing this in IC brought up the topic of it contributing to my NGS. Indian parents like to 'boast' about their children and tell the world how perfect and wonderful they are, and it's a BIG deal if they make even a little mistake (as in a tiny mistake that most people would think, "Ah well, that has happened, but it's ok now, no problem.").

My mum hates it when she plans something - e.g. I pick someone up at this time, drop them off here at x time, we do [y] activity, then do [z] and go home - and then something throws that, e.g. Person B forgot to bring something for Person A which means [y] cannot happen, or is delayed. She gets very frustrated by that.

This rubbed off on me because I felt duty bound to be perfect all the time. I would always be anxious if I did something wrong and of my mum finding out - even something tiny like getting a speeding ticket from a camera or breaking something, I'd never tell her as I know she'd be upset and berate rather strongly me for it.

W was very similar in parading me about and bigging me up to everyone she knew, saying "My H is perfect and amazing and he does this and this and this round the house and he helps clean and buys me nice things and blah blah blah." So if I did something wrong (but not major), like put the wrong colour clothes in the wash so it discoloured one of her nice tops, or our newest set of bedding, she'd go crazy at me. That made me feel like I'd REALLY let her down and was not worthy of being with her and made such a mess of things.

Yet I never called W out on things that upset me - for example she never wore her wedding rings (she genuinely got ezcema from the metal and her fingers swelled up), but would constantly say she wanted to get a necklace made so she could wear them round her neck - she never did that. I always wore mine and felt upset she wasn't trying to move that forward. As the NGS book says, I was losing my 'personal power' in the R and M.

I think this is why W is so distraught about discovering my addiction. She never thought I'd be capable of doing it. So I do understand her feeling of betrayal of my lying and concealing it from her for years (all due to shame but she doesn't care about that if I ever brought that up as a reason). However, I will not dwell on that too much as I'm over it and IC has helped me get it out of my life.

Feels great - it's like a snowball effect. I used distraction tactics whilst going 'cold turkey', then I got used to the distractions and started enjoying those more, then they became "stuff I do when not at work". Then reading the advice here and in various books on Audible etc helped me further. I feel more confident, so I walk more confidently, so more people notice, I get complimented, I feel better, I continue to do it, I still feel better about myself, etc. And on it goes.

[AnotherStander]

Thanks DS. At the mo I'm doing 3x12reps for most things and gradually increasing when I can. Are you saying I could try doing 3x8reps for example but with heavier weights, and that'll give quicker results?

That used to be the school of thought, but these days most people believe that mixing things up on a regular basis is the best way to continue making gains. It keeps your body from settling into a routine. The best gauge of progress is how sore you are after a workout. Soreness is an indication of how far you've torn your muscles down. Bodybuilding is a constant process of tearing your muscles down and then giving them time to recover and rebuild. If you're not sore at all then your body has adapted to your routine and quit growing, so change something up. Maybe that's more sets of fewer reps at a heavier weight, or higher reps at a lower weight, or completely different exercises, or focusing more heavily on one particular body part for a while, anything to mix it up.

I used to do solely weight training and after years my upper body was solid but my cardio was terrible! My gym closed and I joined Crossfit. Wow was that an adjustment, I was sore for 2 or 3 days every time I worked out. But after a couple of years of that my cardio was great but I had lost a lot of upper body muscle mass. I've kept doing Crossfit but also joined a conventional gym again a year ago as well and do both at least twice a week. For me that has been the best balance of working on strength, building muscle and also keeping my cardio up.

How's your diet? 40% of gaining muscle is in the gym and 60% in the kitchen! I mentioned tearing your muscles down and giving them time to recover, feeding your body the right levels of protein, carbs and fat is crucial to the rebuilding phase. You should take in at least 1 gram of protein per pound bodyweight a day. That's a LOT of protein so it's important to track it to be sure you're on point. Also drink at least a gallon of water a day.

Fitness has been a lifelong passion of mine, interestingly the only time I got away from actively remaining fit was after our 3rd kid was born. I went about 6 or 7 years doing little to nothing to stay fit. I didn't get obese, but lost my trim physique and got soft-looking. Maybe it's a coincidence that my XW fell out of love during the same time, or maybe not?

[DaB35]

Useful info AS, thanks.

My diet is pretty good I think. I have lots of vegetables, fruit once or twice a day, a bit of sugar here and there. I'm trying to cut down on carbs (my Dad likes to cook at home but he is very much stuck in the 1970s - meat, potatoes, one or two steamed vegs, or stir fry with the same stuff in it every time).

My parents appear to have potatoes with every meal and I find it BORING and I don't have them at all really now. I've got used to cooking with garlic, chilli, making my own pesto, making my own bread etc. So I try as far as possible to cook my own meals with fresh stuff. Difficult when my parents' kitchen is tiny and they don't get very adventurous in the kitchen!

I'm having vegan protein shakes as post-workout drinks as a type of recovery. I'm good with water - the gym says the level of water content in my body is very high which means I'm drinking enough already.

[AnotherStander]

Awesome, sounds like you're on the right track! Nice work!

[DaB35]

Thanks - it means a lot when people on my thread give me little boosts too.

Getting ready to leave to go to the house. W has left some paperwork that I have to sign, plus need to collect mail and a few instruments from the garage. I'll check I haven't forgotten anything as I don't intend to be back over Xmas - want to chill out and spend time with my family and my best friend is visiting the UK from Thailand so that'll be good to see him. I'll leave parent's cards on the table, sign the paperwork, collect my things, and leave.