I would leave a note thanking him for looking after the pets and wish him a nice Christmas. Nothing more than that. Look at him as a house and pet sitter. Wouldn't you wish them a nice and/or Merry Christmas?
Enjoy your time away and leave the MLC at the door for a few days.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Look at him as a house and pet sitter. Wouldn't you wish them a nice and/or Merry Christmas?[/quote]
Yes, Job—it’s helpful to think of it like this. (Of course, I also think—wouldn’t a house sitter wish me a Merry Christmas? Maybe not if they were going through a MLC, is probably the way to look at it!)
If you wish to leave a note just thanking him for taking care of the pets, then do so. It's up to you as to whether you want to wish him a Merry Christmas. I just thought I would mention it since he is staying in your home and taking care of your pets. Otherwise, you would either need to find someone to take care of them, put them in a kennel or stay home. Hopefully, he will keep the place clean and your fur babies happy and fed.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Yes! And H has felt that his actions were always taken for granted, so one thing I’ve tried to do is to be better at always acknowledging when he does help out in some way—e.g. I want him to know I do appreciate his taking care of the pets while I’m gone.
Mulling things over while gardening & wanted to put this here for my record. I was thinking about one of the things H said during BD: "I don't know who I am at home anymore." In a way, this didn't surprise me, because after a lifetime of insisting he was the happiest person and nothing could get to him, H was realizing this was not the case. We'd recognized this in his mom a few years back. I thought then, yes, there are things in our M that need work, but this is also an identity crisis for H.
Over the past six months, I've realized I'd lost some of my confidence and independence over our 16-year R (and I've already started to gain those back, since I've had to rely completely on myself since he checked out), but I never lost my identity or ability to create happiness for myself, within myself. I know who I am. I will continue to build my confidence and independence no matter what, but I had and have a life independent of H; I was working toward life goals and am still working toward them. With an IC and a coach, I also began work on understanding my patterns and less than helpful ways of communicating, things that I didn't have enough distance from to recognize before, and I've made progress on those whether H acknowledges it or not. I will continue to work on those as part of my 180. Sometimes I forget that he hasn't seen any of my anger and barely any of my sadness since BD; though I've had those feelings a lot and expressed them to others, I've remained calm with him.
In my most centered, self-assured moments, I understand that H is unhappy with himself, doesn't know who he is, and it's easier to blame that all on the M and me. I want him to find himself and find happiness within himself—I just wish he didn't feel walking away from the M and finding validation in new friends was the way to do it. I do think he needs the D to feel like he's really "free" to be happy, to chase after his idea of a new life, which doesn't seem well-defined right now, other than that he'll be free of any responsibility to please anyone but himself... well, there will still be that same issue with his mom, but I don't think he realizes that!
I think he needs the D to have a chance of realizing I'm not the source of his unhappiness. I would like to channel empathy instead of anger. I would like to have faith all is not lost between us for good.
I know everyone is probably busy with Christmas—I can’t believe it’s Christmas! I traveled to see my family yesterday, and I’ll be with them for a bit. It’s not what I expected. My H stayed at home with our cats, preferring to avoid seeing his family (I won’t see them either for the first time this year, and I miss them too). I now see it would’ve been much easier in a way for me to stay home too: here I’m out of my routine that was giving me strength (and I miss the cats!), and seeing my parents, grandparents, etc. just makes the loss of H feel more real. He didn’t wish me a good trip or say Merry Christmas before I left (expectations I tried not to have, but apparently I did). He won’t ask me about my family when I return. I miss all of this.
I also spent time reading Sandi’s threads again, and I started spiraling thinking about the difference between MLC and WH and WAH and worrying that I don’t know what’s going on with H and that I haven’t DB’d in the exact right way in the last six months. I know there isn’t an exact right way, but it still caused me to reflect. I switched my negative MA for PMA back then and he noticed. I stopped being defensive. I didn’t let him push my buttons. I didn’t ask him where he was when he was gone or what he did or who his new friends were. I said nothing when he took his ring off. I have maintained friendly distance and let him engage me, for the most part, but maybe I have also been too friendly. i wanted to continue to show love and kindness through my smallest actions. I continued to do his laundry like I’d always done even when he said I didn’t have to—it’s not a big deal to throw it in with mine, after all. (H started keeping his laundry in his room after Thanksgiving, so I no longer do it.) I made it clear he was free to eat any of the food I made in the fridge or on the counter, and sometimes he did. I thanked him for things he’d done in the past that I felt he thought I’d taken for granted, but now I think that’s just his mindset: everyone takes him for granted, especially me. I kept my actions and attitude consistent and his moods fluctuated up and down, sometimes he was friendly to me, sometimes distant and cold. I felt I could expect these ups and downs from him and didn’t need to alter my actions in response. I would remain constant while he would be moody.
But for the last month, right before and after Thanksgiving when he brought up D, he has been consistently more distant and cold and uncommunicative. I don’t think I need to change my actions, because I don’t think I caused him to be that way. But I do wonder if I’m missing something that I should/shouldn’t be doing. I know he knows I don’t want our M to end. I’m wondering if I need to do some kind of big or subtle shift in my attitude or behavior around him when I get back. Or if I can just keep my PMA no matter what he does with D and offer a friendly good morning but nothing more each day.
If anyone has time to share any thoughts on this in the next several days, I’m all ears! I feel like I’m entering a new phase with the D papers probably coming this year.
I’m grateful I can write here before I go face my family. Merry Christmas, everyone! I hope you’re all finding moments of joy today.
Just got this text from a mutual friend (the only one H has kept so far): “H dropped us off just a few minutes ago. He told me he was asleep when you left and was surprised that you didn’t say goodbye or say Merry Christmas. Just thought you’d like to know.”
The reality is he ate dinner in the kitchen with his headphones on the night before I left and then retired to his room with headphones. He was asleep when I left early the next morning, so I left him a note that said Merry Christmas and thanked him for taking care of the pets. Our friend knows this, but of course he didn’t mention it to her.
There is nothing I can do correctly—right? He’s going to find any way he can to justify his reasons for leaving right now. So there’s no point in texting him Merry Christmas today. I’m sure he’ll share this story with his mom too, which drives me crazy. I’m disappointed she (apparently) believes his negative version of everything—I thought she’d been around us enough to realize it’s not the whole story.
You are correct. Better to do too little now than too much. Too much feeds the escape, too little creates doubt on the security of the anchor. His problem, his timeline.
Merry Christmas, Cardinal. Nope, sadly there’s nothing you can do. Whatever you do/ don’t do will be wrong in his eyes. It’s maddening and very frustrating because you want to do something/anything to make it right whereas he just wants to wallow.
I’m sorry you are going through this. The things you can do are for you and your sanity. Yes, keep up the PMA, be brief but cordial in your interactions. You are right, you didn’t cause this and it’s not your burden to correct..... of course you can use this time to clean up your side of the street, but you can’t help him.
To this day (5 years in), I still get a little miffed that our mutual friends and his side of the family only heard his version. Of events. It will get easier in time and unfortunately you will get used to being the villain in his story. So his comments to your friend are just par for the course.
Meanwhile, we’re here for you. I hope you find some calm and peace today.
Me- 30's H- 40's T-10 M-5 I moved out b/c he wanted space- June 15 D filed by H: September 16
Thanks for the support, Own and Pax. One of the things keeping me sane right now is knowing that at least this mutual friend thinks he’s crazy, and sees how he’s spinning everything to reinforce his decision. She’s trying to be his friend too, but I think she might challenge him in a way he doesn’t want to be if he continues this behavior as he starts the D process.
*I* know he would’ve read the note, and if he wants to not mention it to anyone else because it would mess with his version of the R and the story he’s telling himself about why he doesn’t want to even TRY after 10 years of marriage, well, that’s his decision. I don’t think he can lie to himself forever, but maybe for a long time. After all, he has to protect his feeling that he isn’t being selfish right now, he’s finally acting on what he wants instead of doing what others have wanted him to do, (others ultimately = me, in his mind.)
I did tell him to have a good Thanksgiving and that I would miss sharing it with him when he decided to go on a trip with his mom instead. He cancelled Christmas for himself; maybe he was expecting me to say I would miss him again. It is hard to not text him today, but I *did* wish him a Merry Christmas... I have to remember that.
