I am TRYING to put a moratorium about worrying about any of this until after the holidays. I'm not doing it all that well, but today definitely better than yesterday, better than the day before that, etc. Don't let him take this special time away from you and the kids, and don't let him ruin Christmas. Find ways to consciously relax yourself and take your mind off of him and back to your kids and all the people/places/things in your life that are good and bring you joy.
Originally Posted by HesAble
Originally Posted by may22
Question-- so your H got way better at helping out and then post-BD has completely stopped? Is he around for the kids at all these days?!
He got way better at helping out (committed to taking one kid to school certain days a week, was more willing to watch kids for me to run errands alone, helped with one of the kids' laundry, became more involved In school projects/meetings, etc.) After the BD, he does the bare minimum and not even consistently. It is like he got amnesia concerning the commitments he made to step up earlier in the year.
My guess is that his head is a total and complete mess right now. It totally does seem like rebellious teenager. Part of me wants to say at least you know he is capable of being a better partner even if he isn't right now, but the other part of me wants to say if that was so hard for him that he completely reverted and went 180 in the opposite direction, is he capable of being a decent partner and dad in the long term? He's just got to work this out for himself and unfortunately it isn't anything you can really help him with.
Me (46) H (42) M:14 T:18, D9 & D11 4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs 9/20 - present: R and piecing
Does ever do the kids' laundry? Or wash the kids' dishes?
This fall he did the kids' laundry about 3 times then said I could do it myself when I told him to use one detergent rather than the other. I wish I had not complained.
He never does anyone's dishes other than his own and he primarily uses paper plates and plastic utensils, so he is not washing dishes very often.
Last edited by HesAble; 12/16/1908:50 PM.
H and Me - Both 45; S13 and D9 BD - 11/2019 Married 14 years; Together 20 years
I am TRYING to put a moratorium about worrying about any of this until after the holidays. I'm not doing it all that well, but today definitely better than yesterday, better than the day before that, etc. Don't let him take this special time away from you and the kids, and don't let him ruin Christmas. Find ways to consciously relax yourself and take your mind off of him and back to your kids and all the people/places/things in your life ...
My guess is that his head is a total and complete mess right now. It totally does seem like rebellious teenager. Part of me wants to say at least you know he is capable of being a better partner even if he isn't right now, but the other part of me wants to say if that was so hard for him that he completely reverted and went 180 in the opposite direction, is he capable of being a decent partner and dad in the long term? He's just got to work this out for himself and unfortunately it isn't anything you can really help him with.
I think I am going to try to start a holiday moratorium myself. I spoke with a counselor today who told me I really need to focus on myself and the children right now.
I admit he is not the ideal partner but I love the "old him" unconditionally with all his imperfections. Crazy love is what they call it, I guess.
H and Me - Both 45; S13 and D9 BD - 11/2019 Married 14 years; Together 20 years
I have finally done some Christmas shopping. Still not in the holiday spirit but taking baby steps...
Today's mood: why do I want to continue a relationship with such a whack job anyway? Amazing the emotions I go through. This really is an emotional roller coaster.
H and Me - Both 45; S13 and D9 BD - 11/2019 Married 14 years; Together 20 years
I have finally done some Christmas shopping. Still not in the holiday spirit but taking baby steps...
Baby steps are great—and Christmas shopping is an accomplishment in itself! It's the music that gets to me right now.
Originally Posted by HesAble
Today's mood: why do I want to continue a relationship with such a whack job anyway? Amazing the emotions I go through. This really is an emotional roller coaster.
Today's mood, the hour's mood, the minute's mood... yeah.
So H is still trying to decide what he is doing for the holidays. He does not want to travel to visit relatives with the kids and me as we have traditionally done at Christmas. He probably wants to stay in the area with his AP (I have no solid evidence of an AP but when you spend several nights a week outside our home, coming in at 7 and 8 a.m., that suggests a PA to me.) Because we do not live around family, we generally travel at least once a year at Christmas so the kids can visit grandparents, aunts, uncles and others.
I have decided to make holiday plans for the kids and me and let him know that he can join us if he wants. We will proceed with or without him, however. He will NOT ruin our holiday. If I stay in town, he will likely not even come home at night anyway and he barely speaks to me when he is here.
It is just 1 month post-DB and I am already so tired of H's shenanigans. I do not know if I can be strong enough to stand as long as some others have although I am inspired by all of you. Thank goodness for this online community! It helps to know that I am not alone.
Last edited by HesAble; 12/18/1908:09 PM.
H and Me - Both 45; S13 and D9 BD - 11/2019 Married 14 years; Together 20 years
Good for you! Make plans for you and your children and if he wants to come along fine...but if he doesn't...it's on him and he's the one that is hurting himself. Children do not remain small for very long and before you know it, then are grown. Enjoy the time away and just leave him to his own mess.
Keep the focus on you and your family during this holiday season.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Good for you! Make plans for you and your children and if he wants to come along fine...but if he doesn't...it's on him and he's the one that is hurting himself. Children do not remain small for very long and before you know it, then are grown. Enjoy the time away and just leave him to his own mess.
Keep the focus on you and your family during this holiday season.
I am learning some things from you folks! Thanks for all your great advice.
H and Me - Both 45; S13 and D9 BD - 11/2019 Married 14 years; Together 20 years
I woke up in the middle of the night to find H is still out wherever he goes at night. It is 4 a.m. I used to feel a little sorry for him that he may be a MLCer who is confused and in emotional pain, but now I just wanna give him a swift kick in the pants. Maybe that would wake him up.
I really need to work harder to GAL, 180, etc. because these emotions keep flooding in unexpectedly. I guess that is normal. Yesterday was a good day though. My children noticed that I was in good spirits. The youngest child even said, "Mom, I hope you stay like this." I think I am in the acceptance stage - acceptance that my H is a huge jerk and there is nothing I can do to change it, so I may as well move on and live my life. When and if he ever comes around, maybe I will still be standing. This is one of the most difficult things I have ever done in life, for sure.
Last edited by HesAble; 12/19/1909:05 AM.
H and Me - Both 45; S13 and D9 BD - 11/2019 Married 14 years; Together 20 years
