So it's been a while. I filed for divorce in November, not because I wanted to, but at the time because he had moved in with someone else and was causing emotional hell for my children and I. That relationship was supposedly to put a warm roof over his head and he is now living in his brother's basement for the next few months until he can get his own place. The thing is, he's barely giving me any child support and he's buying all kinds of things for himself, his car and going out drinking on Friday and Saturday night. He was coming over every day until I set boundaries as he claims he still doesn't "love me that way." I told him we could NOT be friends. Friend's don't lie and cheat and destroy other people. He is now trying to play dad of the year, even taking my son to his doctor's appointments enthusiastically so I could work. He keeps making dumb excuses to stop by, like "Oh I forgot to give back our son's insurance card." When he visits on Sunday (he has no place to take them) He's like oh you gotta see this movie on Netflix and pretends he wants to watch it with our son. When I go to do something else, he sulks. I just don't understand him. He wants to be in my life, but doesn't want me. What gives?
Last edited by job; 12/18/1903:19 PM. Reason: added link to previous thread
They always do this. It's the whole theory of the book on which the site is based. When they see you taking an action to move on, they move in. It is usually temporary. Try to ignore it for now. Focus on what is best for you and the kids. You would need to see huge improvement over a long period of time to believe there was any fundamental change going on there.
Thanks for responding. I'm doing my best to not read anything into it. He seems fine with divorcing and even blocked me on FB after I got upset that he was trying to get drinks with another woman while he was coming over and spending time with us nonstop. I told him it was misleading. He said it was not and wanted to make it as easy a Christmas for all of us as possible (scratching my head) He is all over the place and I don't get it. I'm trying to fully detach, which is really hard when he doesn't want to be in a R with me, but keeps coming by! I've told him this and it's "Oh, I'm trying to see my kids"
He doesn't bother with them half the time he's around. I already have a pretrial date for my divorce in May. I don't think this will ever be able to be fixed. It looks like it'll be over soon. 20 years and "Poof, it's gone." I can't wait for Christmas to be over. This has been the hardest holidays of my life.
Last edited by job; 12/18/1903:20 PM. Reason: added space between paragraphs
Thanks. The divorce has been filed and he's now playing games yet again with the amount of weekly support he's freely giving me. Work has slowed down, I had to buy the kids Christmas presents (and his car a new spoiler and decor) and all that nonsense. It's time for temporary orders to be filed in court. He's giving me the sob story of how he can't afford to save for his own apartment. Well he lives in his brothers basement for almost no money, so why not? I love him, but I'm so tired of his cheating, manipulation and lies. Sadly I see no hope for this marriage being recovered. A sobering thought to end the year with. I fought so hard.
Thanks I feel I’m growing. I don’t miss whoever this man is, but I miss MY husband so much it’s killing me. But he’s gone. Everyone says he sounds narcissistic, which I guess means I never knew him. He was faking it.
Thanks I feel I’m growing. I don’t miss whoever this man is, but I miss MY husband so much it’s killing me. But he’s gone. Everyone says he sounds narcissistic, which I guess means I never knew him. He was faking it.
Lost7 my H BD me just over 3 years ago now and he finally moved out early Dec 2 years ago and I still love and miss the man he was. We were together for 17 years and yet I have people tell me that H was clearly pretending for all that time to be almost Mr perfect (well as perfect as anyone can be )for all that time with no slips. Sorry but I do not believe that about him or your H. nobody can pretend that well for that long. We did know them, probably better than they knew themselves but they became lost and decided that to find home, to find themselves they would try a different path. It.'s not a path they or us would have chosen but it's the only way they could see. Once on that path they feel free for a short time but then the thrill wears away and they start to see some of the damage. However trying to fix it is hard and pride also gets in the way. It's easier to just give up and move on for now. But they are in there somewhere they are just so lost and confused. Don't stop believing in the man you married, you did know him Lost7. Stay strong, you have this.
Hi Foxpop, thank you for the response. Sadly he has shown behavior before. He has a lot of narcissistic traits and everyone is trying to convince me he never loved me. He has done hurtful things with other women before (joined cheating sites, etc.) but claims he never cheated until that drunken night 5 years ago.
Since he's been gone, he told me I found this current affair site, because he knew he would never end it and he had to hurt me as bad as possible to show he wanted out Since that he has slept with an innumerable amount of people and I found out on Christmas eve, he's on his 2nd relationship. When I confronted him (big mistake) he told me he didn't care about me anymore.I need to go dark on him except for parenting our children. I stood until he belittled me to almost suicide. I'm moving forward with divorce. I need to protect myself from him mentally and emotionally. Thank you so much for your comment.
Our once known spouses do become the opposite of who they once were. They turn on the LBS and project upon them their anger and cruelty. It is very difficult at times to remember this has very little to do with you. He is suffering something emotional and very big, and lashing out at anyone who gets in his way.
The LBS rationally tries to figure things out, for a while. We are in such a state of pain, disbelief, and disorder, that when faced with such irrational behaviour from out spouse, it triggers our own irrational fears and doubts. Our beaten minds cannot rationally accept what is going on until we get our feet back under us. That is why - focus on you and the kids, is so very important.
You are so very important. The most important person in this whole situation.
Focus on you and the kids.
Protect you and the kids.
Ensure security for you and the kids.
Originally Posted by lost7
I found out on Christmas eve, he's on his 2nd relationship. When I confronted him (big mistake) he told me he didn't care about me anymore.I need to go dark on him except for parenting our children. I stood until he belittled me to almost suicide. I'm moving forward with divorce. I need to protect myself from him mentally and emotionally.
Yes, go dark!
You need to protect yourself mentally and emotionally.
Let your lawyer protect and get security financially.
I know how it feels, how it looks, to be at the brink of suicide. (((lost)))
Believe me, the darkness and ceaseless pain does not last forever. Honest!!!
Go no contact and have boundaries against H’s belittling and emotional assault. You will get through this.
Ask anything you want. Tell me anything you want. I am a pretty open guy and have long ago shed the shame I felt from my suicidal thoughts. There is a needless and very incorrect stigma attached to mental anguish and thoughts of suicide. You need not bear that cross. And I know just how hard it is to put that cross down.
Seriously lost, it does get so much better.
Focus on you and the kids.
I, we, all care about you.
DnJ
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
You are making wise decisions You H is not well and will most likely get worse in time if he continues this course they will have relationships as part of the running from their pain
He is hurtful to you but remember it is him...he is not well maybe in crises, maybe narcisist or just an alcoholic
Try not to listen to other people as everyone has an opinion and they are just guessing No one can really know This is MOST LIKELY a person with unresolved childhood issues ...that was never your fault and there is no way around those issues....they will be with him in every relationship going forward
This is not your fault and you can move on and create a better life for you and your kids one day at a time One foot in front of the other keep going...you will get stronger daily
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
Lost - I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, your H is a Sex Addict. He gaslights you into thinking it’s your fault because he doesn’t want to face his addiction. He’s not (necessarily) a narcissist and not in midlife crisis (although he may also be running from the responsibility of raising an autistic child).
This is not. about. you. Seriously - I’ve been here many years and seen it all. Men who just aren’t in love anymore and want out if their marriages don’t attempt suicide when their Ashley Madison accounts are discovered. They also don’t usually meet strange women in parks for hookups. They just have garden variety affairs with coworkers or neighbors or old girlfriends most of the time. YOUR H has an addiction and his actions - and your reactions - will be different.
Also, as long as he’s not willing to seek treatment for his addiction and continues to gaslight you, there’s no recovery in sight. Given that, you need to put your efforts towards a future for you and your children. Like I said before, you can look up and give him the info on 12 step Sex Addiction meetings in your area but after that the ball is entirely in his court, and the odds of him seeking help and getting better are slim.
Let go or be dragged. I know you miss the guy you thought you were married to. My guess is that there was a lot more going on throughout your marriage that you didn’t know about.
My Stbxh and I just had our first court mediation this past Thursday. We sat waiting together for 7 hours...how fun. (insert sarcasm) He told me during this waiting time of how little he'd have to pay me for child support as it slows down in the winter time and how I'd have to get over that, blah, blah. I was going for full physical custody because well, he has no place to live of his own and there needed to be a physical guardian. He randomly says "It's not what I want, but if you went for legal custody too, I wouldn't fight you" He is thinking of taking off cross country because I am robbing him blind for child support. Are you kidding me?!?!?! It's like he no longer cares for any of us in any capacity. I told him no longer how we are doing, his kids need their father. He said I did all the raising, I can keep doing it. I got way more child support then he was counting on and I got full physical custody and we got joint legal custody. If all is agreed upon, we will be divorced by May 11th. I had tears in my eyes and my H says "Great lets fill the paperwork out this weekend." The mediator looked at him in disbelief and said "dude you have until May, give her a break" I just don't understand any of this. He's running away.
I would reconsider his offer for full legal custody before the write-up. If you have both, it doesn't mean he can't see the kids, it will just be at your discretion and you won't have to deal with ridiculous arguments with someone looking to hurt you and cause you problems. Also, you may not have the same limitations on moving, schools, having to consult with him, etc. Talk to your lawyer. It sounds like he doesn't care and it would save you stress in the future. Yours is so nasty (at least now) that the less you have to deal with him the better.
Since that he has slept with an innumerable amount of people and 