Ok, I've been thinking a lot about this today. I've seriously thought about taking my wife to the OM's house and having her tell him in person face to face with me there. Is this over the line or asking too much. Has anyone ever went this far.
It would allow me to be there present and I would know for sure she is serious about putting this to rest. I think this would be a strong stance for me. Any thoughts????
I think it's too far. Listen to how it sounds. You are, "TAKING" your WW,.that's doesn't sound voluntary too me. It sounds like.a forced action. Humiliating, not a great place too start recon. You can tell you wife you will like the no more contact statement too happen face to face, But I would rather over the phone it you want a more personal no contact notice.
A face to.face can be really dramatic, you are wanting to eliminate their interactions not give them another chance to see each other.
You should read up on no contact actions before you decide on which one you want. Read the pros and cons of each.
Joejoe
M:37 W:37 T:11 M:10 S17, S13, S10, S4 BD:06/28/17 OM confirmed 07/20/17 Recon the M 10/29/17 Working hard:2gether
Onward and forward
This process is not a sprint it's a marathon! Patience, Patience, Patience.
Thanks “JJ”, Another big win tonight!! Enjoying coaching and got a lot of good things going for myself. Got home at midnight and she was sleeping in the other room. At least she still respects my requests. She asked again today about seeing a counselor. I told her to be patient that in time I would sit down with her to discuss my terms and boundaries.
I still don’t think she is ready for those terms and boundaries just yet. Maybe after the 1st of the year.
Hey man, just chiming in. I'll keep it short cause you are getting good advice here.
1). Yes, take it SLOW. She is starting to show signs of remorse and of missing you and fear of losing her family, but the turn does not happen overnight. Her ACTIONS will be more important than her words. I hope sandi2 decides to chime in here at some point as this is a crucial time for both of you
2) Don't let up on your GALs and 180s
3) Good boundaries suggested by JoJo. I would add, additionally, that she should be undergoing individual counseling as well, as one of your preconditions.
4) Be prepared for false starts and backsliding, and know ahead of time how you'll react. My W and I had 2 false starts once she first started turning.
5) The cord-cutting from OM has GOT to be done in your presence and, yes, even if she says she's already done it. She has to prove it to you right now. (Though I am with the others here that dragging over to see him in person is a very bad idea.) Let her pick the medium... Phone, email, text, whatever... But you need to be present and the brush off has to be definitive: "what we did was wrong, I want my marriage with bb, don't ever try to contact either of us again...if you do we'll consider it harassment and call the police". If she can't be that definitive, that strident... If she is too worried about hurting OM...she isn't ready. If she calls, you can chime in at some point with a "stay away" or whatever. My W beat around the bush on this one and I was not insistent enough the first coupla false starts. It was only when she "hit bottom" feared losing me and kids, that she did such a good job of "get lost" message. Right after wards, we both changed our cell numbers.
6) The letter might be a good sign. Committing her sins to paper, where, presumably, you could show them to anyone, including a judge, is a big step for a ww... For my W it was a huge step and I never saw such a letter until she was fully remorseful and ready to commit to the MR, ...But it's just a step.
7) Don't take her back too quickly/easily, but don't miss an opportunity to get her on the right track, either...(really wish Sandi or artista would chime in here) Her words, here, and some of her actions are promising. No harm, I think, and even some virtue in acknowledging that to her and saying you appreciate it, even as you let her know she still has work to do to prove herself.
Last edited by hoosjim; 12/17/1907:53 AM.
H53/W51, R-ing 4/'18
"Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires"-Sg.of Sg 2:7
"So oftentimes it happens,that we live our lives in chains, & we never even know we have the key"-Eagles III 1:3
Got home very late. Left early this morning. She calls and then chimes in with R talk and really wanting to see a counselor.
Guys, I'm going to be honest. The letter I believe was just an admission of her wrongdoing. I went ahead and told her on the phone that she would have to send a letter or call with me present and then we can attend a pro-marriage counselor. She is hesitant and did not agree to doing it right now but did agree that it would need to be done. She basically said she understands my request.
As for the letter it was BS. How she was feeling at the time. She goes on to mention that her actions over the course of the past few months suggest she is wanting to live some kind of path. I truly believe we are many many months if not years away from getting this back together.
She is stubborn and disrespectful in everything she does. She only thinks of herself and is all about herself. I may get my brother to come over and we can make a closet in the spare bedroom for her clothes. She needs to be completely out of the MB and using the spare bathroom as well.
I'm thinking over the holidays I need to stay away from her family. I come from a broken home so her family is where we gather every weekend. I'll just have to tough it out and stay away from them. At this point I don't think I need to even speak to her anymore until she is truly remorseful.
