You are focused entirely too much on what you WAH is doing? If the D is finalized, do you anticipate focusing on his every move for the rest of your life?
I put my thoughts here for help and to get them out of my head. As I type I realize how ridiculous I'm being.
Bad thoughts: I feel like he won. He got to keep his money and he doesn't have to be alone. Buys the kids love and even has more food than me. Is systematically trying to take my kids away.
Reality: I filed for D which means I will get temporary support soon. I don't have to buy the kids love. He did buy D14 though. Yes he has OW which I think will be easier to stomach if I get a good settlement.
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Why duck down? Who cares? That I don't get. I don't get the dynamic where you go out for a ride with your son and you see your WAH? Did you tell him to go by his house? is it a smaller town? Did your son just drive where WAH might be?
Avoiding him like the plague is for me. He didn't see me he just knew S19 had shown me the car. WAH moved 2 minutes away and he drives by my house often (annoying). S19 thought he was at work but he wasn't.
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I feel like you are still riding the roller coaster. Roller coaster can be fun but to be on one all the time is a nightmare and exhausting. No wonder you are tired and worn down.
What can you do to get off it...for a day, an hour or a week?
I'm okay at home especially if I make a point to cook dinner. Dinner = time with my kids and less guilt.
Kas - that's OK. This is (well it was, I am not sure know after reading DV's thread) a safe place to vent. Try and focus on the things that did go right (you sent time with S19 in his car, you got to spend time with D14) or reframe the things that did not go so well so that a) they do not loom so large in your mind, or make them ridiculous, like your watching a sitcom in your head and it is happening to someone else. Change the narrative.
I do see the glimpses of the love your children have for you, particularly S19. Hold on to that.
DV's thread? Nevermind I may not want to know.
Both S19 and D17 love me a lot. I've just been talking about S19 more lately. D14 chased the money but I'm seeing glimpses that she misses me. It's only been 2 months though.
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Girls are a funny lot during their teenage years. Emotional sensitive and ready to turn on a dime. Everything is drama.
To be fair to D13, the pizza was horrible.
D17 wasn't like this before because she didn't feel safe enough to express her feelings to me. Honestly now all 3 feel safe enough to tell me anything. It's a double edged sword. On the one hand it shows growth on my end and on the other hand sometimes I feel ganged up on.
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Don't worry - we've all done this. We need to feel connected to people and sometimes we turn to the wrong people. It is not weakness, it is human. Forgive yourself, forgive her, but just don't do it again. If you need to vent, do it here, do it with your IC. We/they don't have an agenda.
I reached out to my mother after being estranged for 20 years. We chatted for 3 days via email before I realized she hadn't changed and that seeing her would only make me feel worse. Haven't spoken to my sister in 6-7 years and yeah....no. My ego took a hit because it showed WAH that I was weak.
kas99 do you have any set fun things you do with all 3 of your children that you look forward too? My daughter and I have movie night every other week on Friday at a friend's house. All of us look forward to it and I have even found that my mind takes a break from thinking about XW. You need to find something to do so your mind can rest and not think of WAH all the time. I know it isn't easy.
I look forward to D17 and I watching her favorite show every evening but that's it. I'm mostly still shell shocked from BD2 (it's been a month). Before when all 3 kids were living with me we had plenty of fun. I've tried to get that back but my support group leader says I can't. Just splitting our kids up has left this hole. Everything has changed and I'm struggling to adjust to my new reality.
I want to ask my question again. Do you anticipate have a focus on WAH after the divorce? Will you go to extraordinary lengths to avoid him? I get it's tough with living so close, but you can't avoid him forever.
About your kids. I will say this. My parents divorced and my dad left. My mother was probably like you. And my dad did some shady stuff with the support. She never remarried, she didn't even date (we encouraged her) but I don't know the real reason. However, to this day all of us kids see what she did for us after the divorce. We see my dad for who he was. He tried to buy us nice gifts and cars, etc. He lived in a much nicer and bigger house. We lived in a small apartment for 10 years. He went on trips and lived quite a life. But it never shifted our opinion. I think for a lot of years my mom thought that he got a better life after the divorce. But now I don't think she'd say that.We all basically have little to no contact with him. He's missed out on his grandkids and celebrating all our achievements and lives. His relationship with the OW (yeah he married her and had 2 more kids) isn't great. Full disclosure: his kids from that marriage are a mess - drugs, jail, etc.
Before when all 3 kids were living with me we had plenty of fun. I've tried to get that back but my support group leader says I can't.
Hey Kas, can you clarify the above? It sounds like your support leader is telling you that you can't have "plenty of fun" anymore but I'm sure I'm just misunderstanding. Can I ask what the fun activities were that you were engaging in with the kids before? And what is preventing you from doing them again?
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Just splitting our kids up has left this hole. Everything has changed and I'm struggling to adjust to my new reality.
It takes a while, you'll get there. It's been a while since you were BD'd, but the move kind of threw your life into turmoil all over again, and waiting for your H to be served is no doubt hanging over you like a dark cloud. It'll all settle down soon and you'll start getting used to your "new normal". I never thought I would adjust, for quite a while everything seemed so bleak. I resolved to live on for my kids, but didn't think I'd ever have much quality of life again. But with time everything got much better. My IC kept using that "new normal" phrase all the time and it really rubbed me the wrong way. But now I look back and see exactly what she meant. It's human nature to cling to status quo, most of us just don't like change. But once the changes become our new normal, then we learn to get comfortable with them.
Hey Kas, can you clarify the above? It sounds like your support leader is telling you that you can't have "plenty of fun" anymore but I'm sure I'm just misunderstanding. Can I ask what the fun activities were that you were engaging in with the kids before? And what is preventing you from doing them again?
We all lived in this bubble, this artificial unreality and none of it was real. It's not unlike the "fun" of an affair. We were in this nice house, all the kids there, the pets, we had money, nothing changed except WAH wasn't there. He worked all the time anyway so the kids adjusted quickly to his absence. My support leader said this doesn't exist anymore and now I must adjust to reality.
We played video games (D14 isn't there anymore). We watched stupid you tube videos and laughed (D14 isn't there anymore). S19 helped with homework (D14 isn't there anymore). I'd hang out upstairs while the girls played (D14 isn't there anymore).
WAH selfishly bribed D14 for her loyalty. I know it's hard for people to understand why and how he got away with this but he did. It's been 2 months and he's losing ground with her but for now she stands by him.
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It takes a while, you'll get there. It's been a while since you were BD'd, but the move kind of threw your life into turmoil all over again, and waiting for your H to be served is no doubt hanging over you like a dark cloud. It'll all settle down soon and you'll start getting used to your "new normal". I never thought I would adjust, for quite a while everything seemed so bleak. I resolved to live on for my kids, but didn't think I'd ever have much quality of life again. But with time everything got much better. My IC kept using that "new normal" phrase all the time and it really rubbed me the wrong way. But now I look back and see exactly what she meant. It's human nature to cling to status quo, most of us just don't like change. But once the changes become our new normal, then we learn to get comfortable with them.
Had to quote this whole thing because yes to all of it. Turmoil, bleak, new normal, quality of life gone, clinging to status quo, yes I'm there. I'm okay with him getting served what I'm dreading is having to go to court. If it were just a D we could communicate through our attorneys and never see each other. People here tell me a support hearing isn't bad that my attorney will do most of the talking while I stand there but still it's a dark cloud for sure. I will be asked if he's having an affair which means I threw down the gauntlet, challenging him to an ugly divorce which I didn't want but in my fault state he left me no other choice. I hate this.
I keep trying to predict how he will react to the adultery charge. I have the element of surprise since he has no idea I know and even if I didn't he thinks he's in full control of this situation. He's making good money with the 2nd job and the promotion but he's also got a lot of expenses from the move. His spending appears to have slowed down but it hasn't stopped and he's made a few snarky comments to S19 and D14 about money. He told the kids he'd have more money once he wasn't paying my bills so he's still optimistic about his future. Told S19 once he paid everything off he'd quit his 2nd job. Also told S19 that it could take a while.
So will he spend thousands of dollars to fight me? Or will the part where he's distracted with work, the OW, the drinking and the kids work to my benefit?
There is no way to predict what he's going to do at this point in time. Try not to borrow trouble before it happens. Prepare yourself for the worse and hope for the best. You are allowing this man entirely too much head space that he isn't even paying to rent. You are giving him too much power in your brain.
One other thing, that stuff he's telling the kids may be just something he wants to get back to you. He knows that the kids will tell you what he's said or done. I would take what he's told them w/a grain of salt at this time.
Keep the focus on you and your children.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
One other thing, that stuff he's telling the kids may be just something he wants to get back to you. He knows that the kids will tell you what he's said or done.
It was either AS or CW who told me to sit back and let my attorney handle it. I'm so scared though. I have no reason to because my attorney is good and having grounds benefits me where I live.
Yes I am leaning towards it's HIGHLY possible he is lying to the kids to get me to feel sorry for him since it's a tactic that has worked on me before. It would still be working had I not found out about the OW. Yes I was going to have to file but she just made me do it sooner and this killed any empathy I had for WAH. Now I see him as a lying cheater who has no qualms giving me just enough money to keep me off the streets. Jerk.
Posting here helps and I appreciate everyone here who is sticking with me while I continue to make myself crazy. I swear I am getting better I just can't yet make it stick and it's so slow.
Focus on the kids. They are who matter most. I must keep it together for them. Sigh. I will keep fighting.
Please don't give up on me. I'm scared, worried, feel powerless, hopeless, it's hard to believe that this will end. I'll feel good one minute then depressed another, then I'm crying, back to good, etc. I look at my kids and I'm grateful. My coworkers love me and I am grateful. Then I get swallowed again by negative thoughts. I have so many doubts. My paranoia gets me. I think people here are just writing positive things to convince themselves as well as people like me. And yet it's only been 8 months. I'm light years away from where I thought I'd be at 8 months out. Yes I think this despite how crappy I feel.
