Come on man she's playing you like a fiddle. She goes from seeing a lawyer to all of a sudden full remorse. She's feeling sorry for herself that's it. Tell her you need her phone and the password and see what she says.
Come on man she's playing you like a fiddle. She goes from seeing a lawyer to all of a sudden full remorse. She's feeling sorry for herself that's it. Tell her you need her phone and the password and see what she says.
I already have her phone and password, but I do need a plan for going forward. She will have to prove she is serious about working on the relationship. I think the first step is to get her to contact the OM and tell him it is over and to never contact her again. Once she does this then I can begin to trust somewhat and have faith in what she says. I think it is also very important for her to share her location with me so that I know where she is at all times.
If she turns off her location etc.. then I know that she is hiding something or being untrustworthy.
After meeting with the lawyer she claims she could never go through with it. The lawyer simply told her our kids are frown and the only asset we have is our home so there is nothing to contest in the divorce. Would be a waste of time to contest anything.
No do I believe her? I absolutely do not believe anything she says. I told her last night that the first thing she would have to do is send an email or call the OM with me present to verify contact is over. She claimed she already did that and has taken care of it. I again told her that she would have to do it in front of me with me present.
Here is the only problem with jumping into this too quickly. Once I state my boundaries and what I must have going forward. If she doesn't hold her end of the bargain then I have to file for divorce. I don't see it any other way. THis is why I am not in a hurry to begin with my boundaries.
I feel like I should continue on my present course atleast through the holidays and after the 1st of the year it will be time to set boundaries and terms for me staying in this marriage. Yes, the meeting with the lawyer probably put things into perspective to some degree. I remember meeting with the lawyer and I had a huge since of despair feeling after I walked out.
I noticed she had been drinking a little more just about every night. Tonight she was drinking as well. She cornered me to give me a letter she had written. She broke down crying and the letter basically admits that she feels sorry for all the lies, betrayal, and pain she has caused her entire family. She seems remorseful and she has been reading several self-help books this week. What surprised me the most is that she has been reading spiritual literature as well.
My response was, I’m not buying it right away. I told her it will take time for her to prove this to me and that she should continue to sleep in the other room. She claims she is done talking to the OM but I didn’t let her explain and I told her I wouldn’t be discussing OM at any point anytime soon.
Do you guys think I handled this well?
Yes, absolutely! Did she mean it? Yes, I'm sure she did. AT THAT MOMENT. Here's the problem, we're always talking about when they say something negative that it is just a reflection of how they feel at that moment in time and that it can and will change with time. However, the same can be said for expressions of remorse. She was drinking and crying and poured out her heart in a letter. Tomorrow she may be sneaking off to the bathroom to text OM, or sneak off to see him. You are right to be skeptical.
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I’m seriously not in any rush to jump back into her arms. She claims she wants to rebuild our marriage and that we have to build a new relationship. The letter seems heartfelt and almost desperate to an extent of making our marriage work. She claims we owe it to our history and our kids to make our relationship work.
Again, she felt that way at that moment. She's going to regress and contact OM again, I'd almost lay money on it. She's on her way down but hasn't hit bottom yet. Once she does hit bottom she may be all-in on the M.
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Is having her go back to the other room maybe to tough due to her crying.
NO!!!!! Definitely not. You do not want her to get the message that all she has to do is cry a little and you'll welcome her back with open arms. You've got to continue the tough love for a while. That doesn't mean by cold and mean to her, it just means you keep your walls up for a while.
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She will have to prove she is serious about working on the relationship. I think the first step is to get her to contact the OM and tell him it is over and to never contact her again. Once she does this then I can begin to trust somewhat and have faith in what she says. I think it is also very important for her to share her location with me so that I know where she is at all times.
Agreed. If she complains you're being "controlling" well that is the price she has to pay to regain your trust. DO NOT give your trust back to her freely, she needs to earn it through ACTIONS.
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I absolutely do not believe anything she says. I told her last night that the first thing she would have to do is send an email or call the OM with me present to verify contact is over. She claimed she already did that and has taken care of it. I again told her that she would have to do it in front of me with me present.
Exactly. Even then you can't completely trust her because she may pick up a burner phone or use an app like Snapchat to cover her tracks.
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Here is the only problem with jumping into this too quickly. Once I state my boundaries and what I must have going forward. If she doesn't hold her end of the bargain then I have to file for divorce. I don't see it any other way. THis is why I am not in a hurry to begin with my boundaries.
That would be true if she didn't want to recon. If you lay out those type of boundaries to a WAS that wants nothing to do with you, then about the only consequence you can pursue is S or D. However, in your case she wants to recon so your boundaries are conditions of recon. If she doesn't meet your conditions/ boundaries, then you do not participate in reconciliation. But that doesn't mean you have to pursue D.
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I feel like I should continue on my present course atleast through the holidays and after the 1st of the year it will be time to set boundaries and terms for me staying in this marriage.
I will say this about the letter and crying etc... She didn't have a glass of wine until afterwards. She wrote the letter during the day. When I arrived home she was reading a self-help book and listening to Oprah's self-reflection stuff. lol
I think I am at a better place for moving forward with confidence. The letter was heartfelt and I think she is only beginning to do some self reflection to realize what she has done. She even mentioned in the letter that she is going to call the OW to apologize and ask for forgiveness for what she has done. I thought this was a big indicator of her remorse because the OW has gone crazy and threatened and ruined her name around town.
She has to be feeling some true remorse if she is willing to call the OM's wife. I am still going to take it slow.
Any advice on boundaries and helping with a plan going forward would be much appreciated?
I think you are handling this well. Slow play everything. Believe nothing, verify everything.
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She claimed she already did that and has taken care of it.[quote] Don't believe this BS. I tried to believe it, it didn't work. Also, don't argue with her about it either. Just tell her "OK, that doesn't work for me".
[quote]Here is the only problem with jumping into this too quickly. Once I state my boundaries and what I must have going forward. If she doesn't hold her end of the bargain then I have to file for divorce. I don't see it any other way. This is why I am not in a hurry to begin with my boundaries.
I agree. Go slow.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
I agree with AS and LH. I don't think your wife is out of the ball park from being WW. But the signs are positive. Don't have your walls too high you miss the signs you need to make important decisions.
If she is taking the time to write you letters. Than she's prioritizing you. She's thinking about you. And what you are doing is working. The OM attraction is wearing off. Her tears aren't a sign of her making a drastic change, but it is a sign of a form of remorse.
Don't overlook these signs and take them lightly. We can only go off what you wrote, when giving you advice, and from my perspective, she's showing signs off realizing the damage she has done and what's she's on the verge of losing.
Something you wrote did concern me. When you told her that you needed to contact the OM in front of you and she became apprehensive, that's still a sign of protection. Either protection of the OM or their relationship. Do not relent on the last contact letter, email or phone call.
Yes, please don't push to make all these changes over the holidays. Waiting until after the holidays is good. Work your boundaries.
Onward and forward
M:37 W:37 T:11 M:10 S17, S13, S10, S4 BD:06/28/17 OM confirmed 07/20/17 Recon the M 10/29/17 Working hard:2gether
Onward and forward
This process is not a sprint it's a marathon! Patience, Patience, Patience.
I agree "JJ". She mentioned in the letter that she is tired of lying to stroke her on ego. She mentioned she is broken, afraid, and scared. She also mentioned she has lost control and living against everything she believes, her own principles and values. The biggest belief is her compassion and caring for others because she has hurt so many people.
