Living in Limbo

[phnix]

Well I got the ole you don't really love me or you would go to counseling speech yesterday. She has also moved back in the MB to sleep and refuses to leave the room. I can't persuade her to get out. Anything I say she spins or she mentions my affair from 17 years ago, me telling the OM wife, or me never being around as a husband. 1st night I just decided to go sleep in another bed. Last night I didn't budge and stayed in my own bed. I'm thinking it might be time to change the lock on the door and move her belongings to another room.

After no communication for 4 days she is feeling like I am giving up or letting her go. She has been drinking some, crying some, and texting or calling a little more than usual. I have not been answering her calls and rarely text her back. She gets really angry when I don't text her back.

She got some bad news regarding her job and that really hasn't helped my situation. If anything it throws her closer to her affair partner and now almost guarantees they may have to communicate.

She is going to see a lawyer this afternoon for legal advice. I told her she should go if that is what she wanted to do. She mentioned that she just needed to file and I told her that if she feels that way then I will be alright with it.

I have been very busy but have had no other choice. It has been good for me and has allowed me to not think about my situation as much as I have in the past. In the mean time I have really had doubts about my future with my wife. The more time I spend on myself, the more I realize that I deserve better for myself. It's almost like I have realized there is more to life than living like this because I know I don't have too. I really care about my son and need to do what is best for him and myself. I now realize that letting her go emotionally is very rewarding for me and my mental health. I feel so much better.

[phnix]

By the way all the above behaviors are just to keep me on the hook. In no way has she shown true remorse or affection toward me and the situation. So no I ain't buying what she is trying to sell.

She wants to go to counseling to say she tried.
She wants to control everything and she feels like she is losing control of me and this is only a natural reaction to try and continue to manipulate and control me.
Her job situation - she blames me for telling the OM wife. "No it is her mess and her fault".

[AnotherStander]

Well I got the ole you don't really love me or you would go to counseling speech yesterday. She has also moved back in the MB to sleep and refuses to leave the room. I can't persuade her to get out. Anything I say she spins or she mentions my affair from 17 years ago, me telling the OM wife, or me never being around as a husband. 1st night I just decided to go sleep in another bed. Last night I didn't budge and stayed in my own bed. I'm thinking it might be time to change the lock on the door and move her belongings to another room.

Not really surprising, remember what I posted to you about a week ago?

Ok guys, I sent her back out of the MB last night. I was calm and nice in asking her to move out. I told her I could not have a relationship with her until she was no longer involved with the OM and she was no longer communicating with him. I also stated I do not agree with living in an open relationship and that is what we have had for the past year.

Try not to turn everything into an R talk. You should have just said "get out" and when she said "why" say "you know why". Because she does.

Also get ready because she will turn defiant and move back into the bed before long. So be prepared to address that.

So this is her being defiant again. She's the classic GGW WW. Nothing is going to work with her except tough love. I agree that the best option would be putting a lock on the door and moving her stuff out of the MBR. She will blow her top but you simply cannot reward defiant behavior or it will spiral out of control.

After no communication for 4 days she is feeling like I am giving up or letting her go.

GOOD. She needs to think she might be losing you, and to start to feel what that is like.

She has been drinking some, crying some, and texting or calling a little more than usual. I have not been answering her calls and rarely text her back.

Good. Stick to it.

She got some bad news regarding her job and that really hasn't helped my situation. If anything it throws her closer to her affair partner and now almost guarantees they may have to communicate.

She will look for any excuse she can to run back into his arms and not yours. You can't control that.

She is going to see a lawyer this afternoon for legal advice. I told her she should go if that is what she wanted to do. She mentioned that she just needed to file and I told her that if she feels that way then I will be alright with it.

This is good as well. You're handling this all really well.

The more time I spend on myself, the more I realize that I deserve better for myself.

Well you do. And maybe that's still with her, many waywards do eventually hit bottom, repent of their actions and turn their life around. I think she has months or a year or more before that will happen though, she's just as defiant now as ever, if not more so.

[phnix]

I really can't see her repenting and changing for a while. She blames everyone. Heck she even blames her father for not being very affectionate when she was young. She is so defiant that she blames everyone for the fact of her getting caught and now having to deal with the consequences.

What's really crazy is she blames my family for sending the letter to the OM's wife that got all this going in the direction it has gone. I just don't ever see her taking responsibility for her actions until it is possibly too late. That's sad because I have been very committed in all of this.

[LH19]

B,

I’m going to give you a little tough love here. Your goal as you go down the D path is to learn to love and value yourself. Take care of your kids and read everything you can on attraction, alpha males and commanding respect. Sounds like you had a rough childhood so you have some soul searching, healing and learning to do. If you ignore the process you will most likely end back here again. You need to find your worth and realize your value as a person. You were too close to your situation to understand that how your w is treating you is unacceptable and demeaning. When you have time read through curtis7s thread and let me know what you think being an outsider.

You are going to be so much better and happier once you remove her from your life as much as possible.

Time to man up B.

[Jac12]

You can't see her taking responsibility based on her current actions and behaviour....this could change in time.

If you can afford to be patient and let her work through her own mess than I would advise that. At the same time, you stick to your boundaries.

[joejoe1]

BB,

Great job. Like AS said, she will grow more rebellious and seem to lose more control of herself the more she feels she's losing control of you.

A real dumping is really never physical it's emotional. When we break up with someone, it's the emotional part the finally shows the actions of the relationship being over, never the physical part. That's why cutting off all R and M talk is so important. Once a WS feels a LBS emotionally detaching they have to start to make hard decisions and that's what they never really wanted to do. They wanted to keep their cake and eat.

There are three phases of Love:

1) Eros love - known as "erotic love". It is based on strong feelings toward another. It usually occurs in the first stages of a man-woman "romantic" relationship.

2) Philos love - a love based on friendship between two people.

3) Agape - unconditional love

I posted these three because when a LBS starts to emotionally detach, they WS loses two level 2 & 3. The first level is not sustainable and relationship built on the first level has a very unstable base and falls a part with any pebble that hits the pond.

Level 2 & 3 are strong and solid and has proven itself.

So when you are detaching with love/emotionally detaching and doing 180s, you are taking levels 2 & 3 away while building on 1 (becoming more attractive).

Level 2 & 3 can't be built in a day or a month it take years and the ability for a relationship to live out in the open.

LBS are more valuable than any AP can ever be. Because the WS loses more than just lust when they lose the LBS, they lose their emotional foundation!!!!

Most recons start off diving back into Level 1 just for it to die off quickly because of the newest of the relationship. A recon is a new relationship with the same person. It's built off lust, so that's why recon is so hard, because the bottom to level is where the most damage has been caused and takes the most time to build or rebuild.

Joejoe

You are doing great BB.

[phnix]

"JJ", That is very interesting put that way. We allow fear to causes us to try and control 2/3 when that is already gone due to the betrayal and deception from the A. For you to have 1 in a relationship there has to be respect and some admiration toward an individual to feel attraction. I've realized it's not just physical appearance.

I am not overweight and I haven't let myself go from an appearance stand point. I will admit that my actions have shown weakness and not strength which is what I have to get back. Not for my relationship but for myself and my future relationships.

[phnix]

Weekend went well as I was busy with coaching and didn’t spend any time at home. Today my son and I attended church and he spent the day with me at the golf course.

I got home from the golf course and left right away without announcing where I was going. Once I got home later that night I could tell she had been crying. This week I have been doing 180’s, not much communication, ignoring most calls and text, and busy as crap with my job.

I noticed she had been drinking a little more just about every night. Tonight she was drinking as well. She cornered me to give me a letter she had written. She broke down crying and the letter basically admits that she feels sorry for all the lies, betrayal, and pain she has caused her entire family. She seems remorseful and she has been reading several self-help books this week. What surprised me the most is that she has been reading spiritual literature as well.

My response was, I’m not buying it right away. I told her it will take time for her to prove this to me and that she should continue to sleep in the other room. She claims she is done talking to the OM but I didn’t let her explain and I told her I wouldn’t be discussing OM at any point anytime soon.

Do you guys think I handled this well? I’m seriously not in any rush to jump back into her arms. She claims she wants to rebuild our marriage and that we have to build a new relationship. The letter seems heartfelt and almost desperate to an extent of making our marriage work. She claims we owe it to our history and our kids to make our relationship work.

Is having her go back to the other room maybe to tough due to her crying. She is not an emotional person and rarely cries. It seems to be sincere in what she states in the letter. On the other hand she is extremely intelligent and a very very good writer. Why wouldn’t she just sit down and tell me this instead of writing it in a letter?

[joejoe1]

BB,

It might be time to lay out your terms/boundaries. You need to sit down and write them down.

I will give you some examples.

First one. Attend counseling of a counselor that is pro-marriage. Have her pick the person out and then you screen. Having her pick the person, shows if she is serious.

No more contact with OM. Have her make a call, write an email or send a letter. My Wife wrote and email. I read it and corrected it before she sent it, I watched her press send and made sure it was in her sent box. You can also have her make the call in front of you.

My wife threw away all the gifts and clothes she wore with OM or around OM.

She gave me the code to her phone and I told her no more locks on phones. I can check her phone, pick up her phone anytime I want to.

And I laid out my boundaries, things I wasn't willing to live with in a marriage with.

Your W seems to be coming out of her waywardness. If she's reading self help books that's a good sign. And only you know if your W is being sincere. You will have to have some faith. It won't be a 100% answer if she's ready or not. But the signs does seem in your favor.

Keep posting!!!

Great job on using the advice!

Onward and upward