I was really hurt he wouldn’t eat what I made when this first happened. Now I make what I feel like eating, if it’s something I know he wouldn’t eat, it tastes even sweeter, because I am cooking for me.
For Thanksgiving, I was making mashed potatoes on Wednesday for a casserole. He walked into the kitchen and I asked if he wanted a bite, and surprisingly he said yes and that he thought they were good. Then he left and skipped the holiday to try and be with OW. Since he has returned his cloud is super dark. So this is going on two weeks and I know if I asked what he was doing for Christmas or if he planned on joining us he couldn’t answer. So I am planning and prepping and doing what I can. I am going out and enjoying the season. If he wants to tag along, he can. It I know he won’t ask and I certainly am not asking him if he wants to come.
My therapist totally has said I am living with an adolescent. His behavior total shows it. It remains to be seen how this will go, but I know after being with this man almost 30 years, more than half our lives, he deserves and I deserve to give it more than seven months before I throw in the towel. He may have but I haven’t. I am stronger than he realizes.
I was really hurt he wouldn’t eat what I made when this first happened. Now I make what I feel like eating, if it’s something I know he wouldn’t eat, it tastes even sweeter, because I am cooking for me.
I really relate to this, PLC. My H and I have loved cooking and eating together from the time we were dating. It was a huge part of our life. We shared meals for a couple weeks after BD, and then, after that stopped, he would still sometimes eat things I had made and would sometimes thank me for sharing with him or offer me a bite of something he made. Then he stopped cooking almost entirely and instead eats fast food and who knows what while he’s out. It’s been hard to see him mostly cut out cooking for himself, which he used to take such joy in, and to lose the time we used to spend together in the kitchen. But I do still take a lot of joy in cooking and baking for myself—it’s been good to find I don’t need him for that.
Originally Posted by PLC
He may have but I haven’t. I am stronger than he realizes.
Amen to that! I need to keep repeating this to myself too. Thank you for sharing this.
Today has been a little stressful. We usually visit his mom and her husband the weekend before Christmas -this weekend. I am going regardless if he goes or not, they have been in our lives our whole marriage.
The issue is he has not told her anything, and I would assume that his behavior will be different if he goes. He and I have not been in a car together since before the BD and we are talking about now this being a four hour drive. Our daughter will be along too, but this situation, although to me is obvious, she has not asked me anything about him and his detachment from us.
My stress, is wondering how this will play out. I have been very content to not share this situation with anyone except my therapist and work on myself.
I will not be surprised if he says he has “work” and has to stay home or if he needs “to go out of the country for work” where the OW is. As far as I can tell the OW is on the rocks, but I am not stupid in thinking if that is over he will return to me. I am aware, he is not happy and honestly a weekend with family if the shoe was on the other foot, would be not what I wanted to do.
Anyone have any advise? As mentioned previously, we have never had a R talk. He mentioned he didn’t want to be married and I shut down.
I've had similar experience with family gatherings, after BD we visited both my parents and in-laws a few times. esp with my parents since we usually stay over night there when visiting. I used to get nervous about not knowing whether he would still be staying with us...how things will play out...what do I say..etc.
In my opinion, if you're not ready to share the situation with others, it takes some practice and you will need standard answers to common Qs. With time you will get better at it. For example, my parents were asking me all these details about his work/job etc like they usually do and I couldn't answer most of them because H and I haven't been talking that much. I learn to give generic answers and change the subject. or I just say I honestly don't know. That's my answer to most Qs my kids ask me as well, "Why does daddy have another business dinner?" - "I don't know, you'll have to ask him." Basically I stopped answering for him or on his behalf.
For Example:
How is H?: "He's been really busy." or "He's been under a lot of stress." Anything related to H: "I don't know, why don't you ask him?", "I don't know, I'm not sure what he's thinking." Scheduling: "I don't know, I don't know his full schedule." or "I don't know, I will have to check our schedule."
You can say to him, "I'm going to visit your mom, if you are not coming along I will tell her that you are doing ______".
It works with me and my H when I know he's not gonna show up and I know he'll stick to a provided script.
My MIL did ask if we were coming up early Friday and I did tell her it depended on H’s schedule. So I guess we will wait. He will also go along with a script. At least I think so-he is so willing to avoid-I am sure he will appreciate not having to think.
So H has to work this weekend so D and I will visit MIL on our own. I have no idea if he really has to work, but that’s his issue, not mine.
I am a bit anxious for Christmas as my family will be with us. He was able to skip Thanksgiving to “work” where the OW is, and so far, I don’t think this is happening for Christmas, but we will see.
He has been avoiding me for a while now and I am just GAL out in the world. I’ll be happy when the holidays are over.
So this morning H left to go to work without saying a word. This is typical of late. But I don’t know why, but I am hurt that he couldn’t even tell us to drive safe or have a nice weekend with his Mom. Why am I upset? He’s been ignoring for months, but I somehow thought he would have manners.
So this morning H left to go to work without saying a word. This is typical of late. But I don’t know why, but I am hurt that he couldn’t even tell us to drive safe or have a nice weekend with his Mom. Why am I upset? He’s been ignoring for months, but I somehow thought he would have manners.
Hi PLC ~
I haven't read your entire thread yet, just reacting to this post. I'm sorry you are going through this.
Expectations cause us a lot of pain. Having expectations in these situations sets us up for repeated gut-punches. You are in control of how upset you are.
Well, if anyone is out there-I’m back from visiting the MIL for the weekend. A couple of times the family asked if he might be able to come visit from Saturday on and I just told him he was working. Plot twist, he did work. I checked in on the cameras and his truck (and only his) were at our home Friday and Saturday night. It was gone in the morning. Today when D24 and I got home, he wasn’t here and came home shortly after wearing his dirty work clothes. I yelled out hello and he responded then I went and gave him the gift from his mom and brother. I gave him normal little tidbits from the weekend. He was nice enough. I did not push it.
On social media, his OW26 has purged him from her social media and changed her status to single. She has also post how sad she is. (Eyeroll) I know that this does not mean he’s headed back to me, and actually, this gives me anxiety. I don’t want him with anyone, with her being in another country it was kind of like he wasn’t with her here. I think he isn’t going to hit the gym hard like he did before her. My Therapist says based on the type of person he is, she does not think he will jump to another person quickly-but she also added that this does not mean he is coming home to me. She was the person who suggested MLC. Her assessment as far as I can tell is spot on.
I did have a nice weekend, and I missed him. This was one of the first times, I actually missed him being there. I have missed the man that is hidden in the MLC creature, but I missed his corny jokes and the moments we would share at each other across the room.
I have anxiety about Christmas Eve and day. Therapy is helping get a grasp on what I am going to say (pretty much nothing)
My D24 has not mentioned this weird situation the whole time she’s been home and we had a four hour car ride each way. When he came home today, she did not greet him, nor him her. So idk the dynamic but, she and I are having fun and making memories. He is choosing to miss out. I am choosing to have fun.
If anyone has any words of encouragement, I’d appreciate. I know others here have more difficult situations and especially with younger kids. My H has continued to give me the paycheck, come home every night (I attribute this to OW being out of the country, so this can change) he sleeps in the other room and does not speak to me days on end. I am looking past that and GAL. Just want to give an update.
