First of all, his childhood..his mother passed away this year. She pretty much let him get away with a lot of things and did not make him to do a lot of chores. He is the youngest in his family (but so am I so no excuses there). His father was a poor role model - would come into the house while his mother worked her butt off with the 3 kids and would sit on the sofa watching tv and reading the paper. His father also has been divorced several times and is very moody; to this day, if he does not get his way, he will get in a rage, pack his things and leave the house without saying goodbye to anyone.
That explains a lot, IMHO. No, it's not an excuse, but aren't your lives copying what he had as a kid? He saw the role of the W & mother working her butt off, while the dad did nothing. Aren't you doing the very same thing his mother did, and isn't he playing the role he saw while growing up?
Maybe you were an exception, but I do believe that most mothers let the baby of three kids get away with more than the older kids......especially, if there is a significant gap in ages. Between his mom not teaching him to do chores, and holding him accountable, and his dad not stepping up.......it's not unreasonable to see how that shaped his mindset. However, I am a firm believer that people can change.
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Sex life...as I stated earlier, I was just so exhausted from working full time and operating like a single mom (and having no real family support in the area where we live) that we ended up having a lot of quickies. The sex quality was pretty bad a lot of times and was not as frequent as he would have liked. I realize that was a real problem and I wanted to work on it, but I was so depressed, resentful and EXHAUSTED!!!
Same here. I recommend that you have a body hormone specialist to run some blood test. It will make a big difference!
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I love the old him, not the new him. I am also a very spiritual person and believe that our marriage was a covenant between me, him and God - not just between me and him. I took our vows very seriously and do not want to take this whole concept of divorce lightly by any means. Also, I would like to keep our family in tact if possible.
Gottcha!
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I set good boundaries outside my marriage and do not tolerate toxic behavior well. I have completely cut off contact with friends and family who were acting toxic. As to the other questions, I need to think more about them (e.g., what is my plan after kids leave? what are boundaries in my marriage?)
Women need good women in their life, b/c of our emotional nature, and b/c we are easily influenced by other women. I'm glad to hear you were able to cut contact with toxic people. I read so much about lonely housewives getting new, wayward type friends. That's not good! We need support, encouragement, and positive guidance in how to live as strong women, wives, & mothers. I was so blessed to have older, godly women in my family/life. They were a priceless source of wisdom.
Hesable, I suggest you think about the boundaries that absolutely non-negotiable for you. For example, a non-negotiable boundary might be......you will not live in an open marriage. You will not have a threesome. You will not subject yourself and/or your children to people bringing drugs into your home; displaying inappropriate behavior; using foul language, etc. in your home. You will not live with anyone who is abusive to your children, or to yourself. These are just a few off the top of my head, as examples. Everyone needs to know what their non-negotiable boundaries are, and not wait until something happens.
((hugs))
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
[quote] Hesable, I suggest you think about the boundaries that absolutely non-negotiable for you. For example, a non-negotiable boundary might be......you will not live in an open marriage. You will not have a threesome. You will not subject yourself and/or your children to people bringing drugs into your home; displaying inappropriate behavior; using foul language, etc. in your home. You will not live with anyone who is abusive to your children, or to yourself. These are just a few off the top of my head, as examples. Everyone needs to know what their non-negotiable boundaries are, and not wait until something happens.
((hugs))
Sandi2, thanks. Now that you put it this way, I definitely do have boundaries. No domestic violence. No open marriage. No threesomes. No one hurting my children. No drugs.
I appreciate your post. Very thought-provoking. I have so much to think about.
H and Me - Both 45; S13 and D9 BD - 11/2019 Married 14 years; Together 20 years
Getting more and more anxious as Christmas draws near. I have not been in the mood to shop for gifts. Still have no idea what our plans are for spending time with the kids.
Started thinking about selling the house and alternate living options. All so overwhelming, particularly since a little over a month ago this was not on my mind at all.
Each day brings different emotions.
H and Me - Both 45; S13 and D9 BD - 11/2019 Married 14 years; Together 20 years
H has been acting like such a disrespectful jerk by going out and staying all night that I am starting to question whether I would want to be with him anyway at this point. Is this a common feeling? I love the old him, but this "new man" is a total jerk. I really do not like him at all. I have found myself even thinking, "I hate him!" He makes me angry coming in at 7 a.m. and such. It is like he is saying that he doesn't care how I feel or what I think now that he is done with me.
I pray this is a phase and that he will go back to the old person I knew or at least become a much better person as a result of all this.
H and Me - Both 45; S13 and D9 BD - 11/2019 Married 14 years; Together 20 years
And for those whose spouses have gone wayward and later expressed remorse...if you have children, did they express remorse for essentially neglecting their children?
H was always gone a lot but now he is gone even more AND, when he does come home, he sees the kids maybe 5 minutes and heads straight to the basement closing the door behind him. For example, the kids have not seen him at all today and they are now in bed. He has been "out" all day and who knows when he will return - possibly in the morning.
Last edited by HesAble; 12/16/1903:10 AM.
H and Me - Both 45; S13 and D9 BD - 11/2019 Married 14 years; Together 20 years
Breathe! First order of business is get your Christmas shopping done. Christmas is just a little bit over a week away and you need to put your kids first. As for what the plans are for Christmas...make plans and if he wants to join in, so be it. Don't wait on him.
Your expectation level of him is far, far too high. Lower the bar on this because he's acting out and like a teenager, he's only thinking of himself, i.e., selfish, feels entitled, etc. As for staying out all night and coming home in the morning...typical behavior of someone who is rebelling against "mom". Right now, he looks at you as an authority figure and he is doing everything in his power to run from his demons and yes, probably wanting you to react to his behavior and say something to him about it. Don't take his bait.
As for thinking about selling the home and alternate living options...one day at a time. I would first look around for alternate living options and then think about selling the home...but is there a rush to do this right now? If not, step back, focus on your children and you. Even though you don't feel like it, you've got this and your kids need to have a good holiday.
Again, do not wait for him to initiate a conversation about plans for the holidays. Take the lead, plan some fun things for you and the children and you can either invite him to participate and if he says no, that's on him. Or, you can make the plans, inform him and then go about your business.
Keep the focus on you and your children and don't forget to breathe!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Oh, and out of fairness..He does do one other thing around the house other than take out trash (sometimes) and wash the dishes he uses. He does his own laundry. Sorry...
So, essentially, he's living as a bachelor.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Breathe! First order of business is get your Christmas shopping done. Christmas is just a little bit over a week away and you need to put your kids first. As for what the plans are for Christmas...make plans and if he wants to join in, so be it. Don't wait on him.
Your expectation level of him is far, far too high. Lower the bar on this because he's acting out and like a teenager, he's only thinking of himself, i.e., selfish, feels entitled, etc. As for staying out all night and coming home in the morning...typical behavior of someone who is rebelling against "mom". Right now, he looks at you as an authority figure and he is doing everything in his power to run from his demons and yes, probably wanting you to react to his behavior and say something to him about it. Don't take his bait.
As for thinking about selling the home and alternate living options...one day at a time. I would first look around for alternate living options and then think about selling the home...but is there a rush to do this right now? If not, step back, focus on your children and you. Even though you don't feel like it, you've got this and your kids need to have a good holiday....
Job: thank you so much for this post. I really do need to BREATHE!!! I have been so stressed, frustrated and angry that my emotions are overwhelming me and stealing any hope for holiday spirit. I must focus on the kids and make sure their holiday is a nice one even if he does not give a crap.
I am going to follow your advice and inform him about our holiday plans. He can join us or not. I also am going to chill out with worrying about alternate living options at this moment. One day at a time is good advice. Also, thanks for the teenager-mom analogy. He is definitely treating me like an annoying "mom" and, I admit, the morning before the BD, I acted like a "mom", telling him he should not stay out drinking and driving then coming home at 3, 4 and 5 a.m., he needed to help more around the house, etc.
H and Me - Both 45; S13 and D9 BD - 11/2019 Married 14 years; Together 20 years
Oh, and out of fairness..He does do one other thing around the house other than take out trash (sometimes) and wash the dishes he uses. He does his own laundry. Sorry...
So, essentially, he's living as a bachelor.
Exactly! I read an article last night entitled "Married Bachelor" and it described him to a tee. He essentially is a bachelor living in his basement pad, doing his own thing and occasionally checking in on his kids when it is convenient.
H and Me - Both 45; S13 and D9 BD - 11/2019 Married 14 years; Together 20 years
