Then why have I been sending job a batch of peanut butter and cashew cookies whenever I start a new thread? Hmmmm???
Originally Posted by Dawn70
This is a rhetorical comment on what you said, so don't feel obligated to even say anything in response if you don't want to
Thanks Dawn. I appreciate you taking the time to stop by.
Just like any of us, S has a complex past. I personally believe that with multiple failed marriages and a couple of relationships in between there have been two things that she's taken a hit on. Self-confidence and trust in others. The fact that she's willing to take a chance with me is very flattering and I intend to not let her down.
We are both accustomed to being the person in a relationship that gets things done, takes responsibility etc. We are also both accustomed to having our own needs and wants minimized. Mix is that having been on our own, we are reluctant to give up the freedom and responsibility of doing things on our own. As contradictory as that may sound given my other comments.
The awkwardness comes in because we both don't want our own needs to be minimized at the expense of the other while at the same time we want to be supportive and accommodating to the other person. It sometimes ends up in a situation very reminiscent of the vultures in Disney's Jungle Book - "what do you want / no - what do you want ....".
We've openly acknowledged this multiple times.
It's also combined with the reality that before we met that we both had rather full schedules in very different ways. S fits in some part time work etc with a rather large set of medical and other appointments for her cadre along with trying to keep a household running on not quite a shoe string, but more than a shoe aglet. For my part, I have built a set of routines around 14 hour work days (including travel) plus busy weekends doing my best impression of Felix Unger (you're old if you get that reference ).
It will work out I'm sure. It will just take compromise, effort and patience. Especially right now when so much is going on on her side with Christmas etc. The fact that we acknowledge this as an issue and are discussing it even if awkwardly is in my books a positive thing.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
I need to send out the monthly "cheque" to my ex-wife on or before the 15th of the month which is this Sunday. I always send it early and since this weekend will be busy I decided to send it this morning while on break. No matter how early I send it, she only picks it up ON the 15th and on rare occasions the day or so after. "Never" early for reasons that I don't bother to try to understand.
While thinking about it last night and again, especially when sending it, I felt really really annoyed. I tried writing about it in my diary but decided that I wanted to vent even more and not just down a bucket where no-one hears.
It's just not "fair". Yes - that horrible 4 letter word that begins with F. She blew up our family, destroying me in the process and undoubtedly harming the children in ways that will scar them for life. I have no clue on what is going on with her life thanks to the fact that I no longer get fed things by my sister in law (long story) and am better for that I'm sure. I do hear the occasional thing but it's rare and by people who only know her peripherally.
Is she happy with the choices that she made? Is her life full of shiny puppy kisses with her guy? Does she ever look back in the rear-view and regret? At times, I even wonder if I'd sucked it up and hung on if she would have "come to her senses"?
I no longer feel the need to worry about her or even to contemplate a rescue and haven't for some time. If she were to knock on my door with a broken down car, I'd let her use the telephone, but if she were ill in the hospital I wouldn't visit nor send a card.
It's annoying though. I have to pay and pay and pay for something that I had no control over. I would presume that she has no actual need for the money that I send either. Her guy has lots and she has a decent income already. But it was the price that was agreed upon and I am a man of my word. I'm now over 1/3 of the way to the end of those payments at least.
As most of us over on this side of the wall will agree, my life is overall better without her than with her. Especially having avoided the stress and drama that would have been involved with a reconciliation attempt. I am at the point and have been for some time where I absolutely don't want her back. Last year at this time I believe I would have had a level of weakness on that matter. Perhaps it's because of the fact that I have had and do have some serious romance (and a surprising amount of booty) going on. Have to be honest after all. But even without that, I really can't see myself making room in my life for the person that she was when she left and who undoubtedly she still is to a large extent. I fully expect that she has a vague narrative that she believes in and tells people about how she was "unhappy". I can't see her ever facing the reality that I remember - and have evidence of somewhere - and really there is no reason for her to do so. It may bother her from time to time - who knows. It would certainly drive me mad but then again, I have too little imagination to lie to myself for a sustained period of time.
Whether she did suffer a "crisis" or not is certainly open for debate. I absolutely believed in that back in 2016. I certainly had my own dealing with the fall-out. I've healed - more or less - and I think it's reasonable to assume that she has as well. Those who were positive that she would have a change of heart and who encouraged me to be steadfast and true have either been proven wrong, or were working on a different time scale than myself.
It's I suppose unsurprising that the anger re-surfaces at this time of the year. A time when families get together to share their love with each other. This year, I expect that S25 and I will celebrate Christmas alone together. D27 still hasn't fully resumed communication with me. I asked her if she was up to a phone call last week and got no reply and she's partially blocked me on social media. The latter may be because as I heard through the grape-vine (I do still get some news) that her mother had flown down to San Diego to visit. Something I should have done myself but since she wasn't talking to me, I didn't want to intrude.
On the subject of me being destroyed ....
Originally Posted by Monty Python
V: What makes you think she is a witch? P2: Well, she turned me into a newt! V: A newt?! (P2 pause & look around) P2: I got better. (pause) P3: Burn her anyway! (burn her burn her burn!)
I have a busy weekend planned. Going to spend my first overnight with S at her apartment. Her 3 youngest are off with their dad on Saturday for Christmas with his family so we'll have the place to ourselves, along with 2 cats, 2 dogs (one belonging to D18), 3 rabbits and some fish. We're going to split the weekend between the two places so that we can each get stuff done and help each other with it. And spend time together just hanging out. There may be nookie.
S25 is out working at the pub on Sunday night. But with the critters, especially the dogs needing care, feeding and attention, I don't know how late S will stay and I'm not sure when her boys will be getting home. XH#2 is notoriously unreliable with schedules. And I don't want to subject "my girls" to the dogs just yet.
Oh - and S's dog does insist on kissing me when she sees me so I get shiny puppy kisses from her. We'll probably watch the classic Christmas Carol starring Alastair Sims. There are so many great performances by solid character actors such as Hermione Baddeley in it along with an exceptionally hammed up performance by Michael Hordern as the Ghost of Marley. I may also try to persuade her to watch the Black Adder Christmas Carol which has an appearance of Robbie Coltrain in what would be a very familiar costume to some.
Maybe I'll do up sugar cookies to pay for my next thread ...
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Now see, I bet this is the kind of stuff your band of fearless women are going to want to see you mulling. It was not fair. Not in any stretch of the imagination. If I had to pay OD on top of everything he has done, I don't think I could have handled it.
Set it up for an automatic transfer on the 15th and forget all about it. When or whether she picks it up or whatever. Don't let her have this last trigger of care for you.
Your D had that ticky tacky moment where she knows you spoke bibles full of truth and she couldn't handle it in the moment. In the future, I imagine she will express her gratitude to you for the warning and for undertaking a difficult conversation. I tend to speak to my kids about us making it safe to talk to each other about difficult things. Both sides need to be able to do that.
Thank you so much, I bought the Young Officer's book and the beautiful knot book arrived shortly after you mentioned it.
Mulling and reflecting. And the unfairness of it all.
Originally Posted by AndrewP
I need to send out the monthly "cheque" to my ex-wife on or before the 15th of the month which is this Sunday. I always send it early and since this weekend will be busy I decided to send it this morning while on break. No matter how early I send it, she only picks it up ON the 15th and on rare occasions the day or so after. "Never" early for reasons that I don't bother to try to understand.
While thinking about it last night and again, especially when sending it, I felt really really annoyed. I tried writing about it in my diary but decided that I wanted to vent even more and not just down a bucket where no-one hears.
It's just not "fair". Yes - that horrible 4 letter word that begins with F. She blew up our family, destroying me in the process and undoubtedly harming the children in ways that will scar them for life.
I can understand feeling annoyed. Writing and venting, it out here is going to garner feedback and ideas. Something I figure you are wanting, or you would just explore it in a diary.
I like Own’s suggestion of prescheduled payments. That certainly would remove the physical reinforcement of this monthly, and short term, ritual. However, I think you are like me in that you like to be involved, or control, your financial transactions. The downside is to have control or involvement mean you are involved. Of course you are involved so really it is about letting go of something else.
This is a finite short term arrangement or situation. I forget where you are - xx of yy - the on going transaction count down. There is an end to the financial outlay of upfront cash for future financial peace.
It is other peace you are seeking. Will it happen when xx = yy? The final memo reads - yy of yy. Pop goes the champagne. Etc... Feeling of fairness is still unlikely I am guessing. Feeling celebratory is likely. Lasting - I don’t know. At any rate, why wait for then?
Yes. It feels unfair. Undoubtedly. Your XW did destroy your life (and her’s), and probably harmed the kids. I do believe all of you (except XW) are on good paths and healing very well. You will have scars for life, which will fade in time. The growth and wisdom from those scar inducing events will remain and does alter you and your kids - for life, in such a positive way. I really believe that. People’s journey can head to places better and better, if they want too. My God, I had lost that for what seemed like such a long time.
Letting go. Forgiving. Living in peace with your situation. It hinges around ego. Our self that needs to be right. Is judgemental. Is a strong voice in the writing of one’s story. The voice of unfairness that speaks and seeks to make right.
Of course one’s ego is important. Self worth, self confidence, self-esteem... well one’s self, you get the idea. You don’t let go of you. It is more recognizing the affect one’s ego is having and letting go of the pressures being applied by one’s own self. Deep inner work going on there.
My own unfair settlement was a lump sum payment. Yes it was far less than half of our combined assets, however that would’ve required complete liquidation of said assets to fund. The settled upon lump sum completely drain all solvent accounts and then some, well actually a lot more than some. I’m still in debt, and we were above board, home-free, and on easy street.
Was it fair? Ah such a question. And the very thing you are grappling to find rational peace with. Fairness.
As I said before it feels unfair. And it is. Trying to make it feel fair won’t work, and fights your ego every failing step of the way.
It is unfair - in your favour.
I repeat - in your favour.
People see other’s situations usually more clearly than there own. So let’s use my obvious example. I have the house, the contents, the kids, the dogs, the cars, etc... (and the debt from payout) and she ran off with OM and a bag of money.
The one-sidedness of such a agreement is incredulous. Her own lawyer challenged her twice and made her sign waivers stating her ignoring of his and two financial experts’ advice.
My situation is completely unfair. And that is not measured in money. When tallying the balance sheet of fairness don’t use dollars and cents - use dollars and sense. You will find the dollars play a less significant role than first thought. Yes, we have to eat and such, so don’t give away the farm - for any of those who are knee deep their own situations and reading along or happen to stubble upon this. Financial security is important.
Your situation. You have your home, your children, the love of your children, your self-respect and their respect, a good job, a good future, an emotionally mature relationship, a new car, and much other materialistic stuff - you are happy. A very large list.
XW has an incontinent dog, a small apartment, and what appears to be a rather bleak future. Oh, she has some money, and you are sending her the agreed upon and court settled amount, every month. (More stuff for your list - responsible outlook and will keep his word).
Who is better off?
What is fair?
Feelings, thoughts, and beliefs.
It feels unfair. You bet. And you can’t directly change that.
It is unfair. Just look intellectually at the tally. Your life vs her life. If it was so far in unfairness in her favour, I suspect you would be happy to change positions with her. You and her swap. That really shines the true unfairness of this, and the standing of monetary possessions in the hierarchy. You would not for one second switch places with her.
Beliefs. It is unfair - for her. That helps in letting go. Helps in forgiving. Helps in finding peace.
Has very little to do with getting to the date of when xx equals yy. Believe that. Find your peace with it.
Let go the need to find fairness with this. See her true costs and your gains, accept the unfairness, and your lion’s share.
MLC or crisis or whatever - these situations are not fair, right from the start. It just takes some time to see the true unfairness of it all.
Peace my friend.
DnJ
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Is it unfair? Yes and no. Valuing the work that a wife and mother does and the hit to her career that she usually takes by having children - that’s fair. Spousal support formulas are generally fair in that regard.
The fact that two apart is a lot more expensive than two together and we are not enjoying the financial security we thought we’d have at this time in our lives is unfair. But I wouldn’t trade places with my ex.
My ex, who was the WAS is still bitter about having paid me alimony. Even though we were married 24 years, my career was mommy tracked to raise three kids and provide all the support so that he could excel at his career, and support was only 11% of his after-tax income. He never had to spend any time on his weekends doing laundry, cooking, paying bills, driving kids to lessons and doctors appointments etc etc etc. I even proof read his papers and helped him with exams. We were a team I thought. But he resents a lousy ten years of alimony. They want the zipless divorce with no consequences. I’ve spent by my estimate at least 70,000 more than him supporting our kids. But he wants to whine.
I bet you any dollar, S’s ex husbands are saying the same thing. “ it’s not fair! I wanted to make to make this marriage work! Why did she leave?!?” She doesn’t work and I pay alimony” Yet I’m sure S’s ex hubby sees it as she really did try. But it was his fault because he was too controlling. Or whatever.
Is it fair???? You are absolutely entitled to feeling it isn’t. I don’t think the person who pays it will ever think it’s “fair”, especially when it wasn’t “their choice” it I learned from these boards, our spouses felt as if they had no choice. We can argue that all day, but we all see what we want t see.
So I would make that money any other bill you pay on the exact day any month. I don’t think my mortgage is a fair amount either, but that’s my perception.
I also agree that it is not fair that I pay for my house on one income and he gets to pay on 2. Not fair. But my fault maybe because I never remarried. Not his problem in his eyes
True G - if I was remarried to a man with my ex’s earning capacity I would be back where I would have been. Unfortunately, in my age group, men with that kind of income feel entitled to date much younger women. None of the men I’ve dated, unfortunately, have their act together financially. But I think that’s also generally a boomer problem - too few planned for retirement.
Below is a wonderful little recipe that's perfect for the holidays.
Cooter Pie
Ingredients: 1 med.-sized cooter 1/2 c. stewed tomatoes 1 c. sweet milk 1 c. liquor from stew pot 1 tbsp. whiskey Celery salt Red pepper 2 hard-boiled eggs, cut up 2 slices toasted bread, crumbled Worcestershire sauce 2 tbsp. butter 1 tbsp. sherry Mace Black pepper to taste
Directions: Drop live cooter in a pot of boiling water. Cook 45 minutes. Open shell with a saw and take out meat, fat, liver, and eggs. Be careful not to break the gall. Remove meat from the feet and legs. Put all this in a pot with a little water and salt; then stew until tender, usually about 1 hour.
Next, cut up meat, liver, and eggs. Add stewed tomatoes, milk, liquor from stew pot, butter, whiskey, sherry, eggs (cut up), bread crumbs, and seasonings. Put in shell (which has been provided by the cooter and has been thoroughly cleaned). Cover with cracker crumbs, dot with butter, and bake in 375 degree oven about 45 minutes.
Note: Cooter pie can be served with a side of poutine to create a perfect fusion of cross cultural cuisines. Yum!
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