I also will look into the paints. As for a job, I have started fixing my resume during this time and then lockdown hit. I will finish getting it ready and start looking. Even if a divorce doesn’t happen, this would not hurt having more income.
He just came home, saw me and said hi. The one thing I see different from when he first came home after being in another country for work for over three months, is that he acknowledges the pets. He didn’t before. Maybe he has realized hat they are not the root of his happiness or unhappiness.
This is where I get sad, because maybe he truly is not mlc and just doesn’t want to be married to me anymore. I am sure others have felt his way. Is there any success stories with deep mlc? Or does the LBS just move on?
Good for you seeking legal counsel. It is wise to learn your rights. Learn the likely outcome and the best and worse case scenarios as well. None of this means you have to take action, all you are doing is gathering information. Oh, and do not tell H about this.
My advice regarding divorce - Let H do the heavy lifting. Unless you need financial protection or security, do not push for a D. Let H own that. You just need to be ready, for if he does go for D, or changes and your financial situation worsens.
Originally Posted by PLC
Does anyone have any help to get through the crippling fear?
Seek how to rationalize, to uncouple the irrational fear response from the possible future event. Fear is always about something that hasn’t yet, or may not ever, happen. Fear is about the future. One doesn’t fear the past or present. The first step is recognizing your fear, and that requires knowing where, and when, to look for it.
Stay strong
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
I need to reread and understand. Tonight , while texting my therapist, I asked if she thought would divorce and she said it is pretty evident that is what he wants since he has “reminded” me fifteen months later that he still does not want to be married, yet divorce was only mentioned on Monday. Her telling me that it seems evident about what he wants was crushing. She even said he seems hellbent on blowing up his life before he sees what he has, and she wanted me to “move on” I understand in DB terms, to be drop the rope. She knows I am standing for the marriage and she does not want me to file or help him along the way out of the marriage, she wants me to help me. This gives me fear-I made a list and surprisingly this helped. Here are my fears off the top of my head:
1 We will divorce
2 he will remarry
3 he will be happy and realize it WAS me that made him unhappy and it isnt MLC
4 we will not grow old together
5 we will have to move
6 I will be alone and die alone because he left me
7 I will not have someone love me like a husband should
8 people will pity me
9 he will have a great time without me
10 I will never drop the rope
11 he will eventually lie more and not let me keep all he said I could
I have plenty of other fears, but I will say living in CA earthquakes have always been a large fear and last year I was alone for two big ones. I lived. Do they still frighten me? Yes, will I live, more than likely.
Dnj, you seem to have a lot of wisdom for this board, thank you for sharing it.
I mentioned the UCSD mindfulness to my therapist and she said the UCLA has an app, “UCLA MINDFUL” That is free and offers meditation as well. Just thought I’d throw it out there.
PLC - 1) Your H is leaving because he has a hole inside that he is trying to fill. But wherever he goes, there he is. He can’t solve his problems by trying to outrun them. You are not the cause if his unhappiness - you were together for 30 years, clearly he wasn’t unhappy with you all that time.
My ex and I were together 26 years. He always had problems with dissatisfaction with life, always looking for the next adventure, the next high. Infatuation alleviates that pain - temporarily. I figure I got more good years out of my marriage than most people do, and he probably wouldn’t have made it 26 years with someone else.
He’s remarried now to a cute Asian American chick who is 19 years younger than him. He owns a duplex a block from his favorite surf break. Looks like he has everything. BUT - after 9 years together, I imagine her little girl act may be wearing thin when he was used to being married to a strong intellectual equal. And his dream life hasn’t gone as planned. After a couple years of hanging out with her 30-something friends, life went sideways. Her mom died triggering a depression. Her father they discovered had dementia and they moved him to their place, then he needed major surgery, then they moved him to her brothers because he was wandering the neighborhood. Meanwhile my ex’s father was diagnosed with lung cancer and he was flying back and forth across the country to attend to that, his mother’s husband died and his mom was diagnosed with Parkinson’s. Then this year ex was taking his early retirement - at his job, you take the early retirement then work per diem 2-3 days a week for the same total income as you made working full time. Except - he developed back pain requiring surgery, which resulted in terrible nerve pain unfixed by a second surgery, and he hasn’t been able to work at all (or surf, which was always his antidepressant). That perfect looking post divorce life hasn’t been all it seemed.
Meanwhile, in that same time, I learned to play the drums in a pop punk cover band for several years. I also began playing vibraphone and have toured several times with a professional singer songwriter who is my best friend. I’ve met many famous musicians and even played as part of a concert in Central Park in NYC.
My dating life has been - well - a bit of an adventure, but EVERY man I have dated since my divorce appreciated me better than my ex did. (The sex has also been quite fantastic I’m still friends with most of them.
I’ve traveled extensively since my divorce with my mom (now passed) and my sister. London, Paris, Rome, Ireland, Scotland, East Coast, Canada. (We save up and get great deals). I expect to travel again with my sister after the pandemic.
Life hasn’t been all rosy. My ex has left me to deal with our adult children, who all have issues and 2 of the 3 live with n me. But their relationships with me are close, while their fathers relationships with them are troubled due only to his actions since the divorce.
My income is much less than my ex’s but because I’m better at handling my money, I’m the one who can help our kids while he always cries poor. (His income before retirement, between him and his wife, was probably close to 400k a year after he paid me alimony. Don’t ask me what he spent it all on!)
I live within my means, have close relationships with friends and family, have had fantastic adventures, have a steady boyfriend who thinks I am the bees knees.
What I’m saying is - there IS life after divorce if you go after it. Divorce made me kind of fearless - I mean, after losing that person you thought you were going to be with forever, nothing else seemed that bad. Boyfriend breakup? Hey, it was only a year, not 26 years, and fun while it lasted. Get on stage and risk making a fool of myself on the drums? Who cares! I’m a middle aged woman, Gutsy enough to play the drums, I’ve already won!
My divorce wasn’t about me - I was a kind, loving, accommodating, funny, sexy spouse. It was about his depression and fear of missing out and fear of aging, and his inability to be satisfied even with a great life. All he could see was my imperfections and the fact that somebody else had even MORE than what we had. (And we had a lot!)
You are not inferior - if you were, he wouldn’t have stayed with you for 30 years. Use this opportunity to grow and become your best self, free if any judgment from him.
(Also, for a laugh, watch She-Devil with Roseanne Barr.)
kml is spot on. The MLCer’s journey is about them, not you.
Originally Posted by PLC
Tonight , while texting my therapist, I asked if she thought would divorce and she said it is pretty evident that is what he wants since he has “reminded” me fifteen months later that he still does not want to be married, yet divorce was only mentioned on Monday. Her telling me that it seems evident about what he wants was crushing. She even said he seems hellbent on blowing up his life before he sees what he has, and she wanted me to “move on” I understand in DB terms, to be drop the rope.
Yes, your H is h@llbent in blowing up his life. He is emotionally driven by unrealized past trauma(s) from when he was young; long before he met you. He doesn’t know or understand these trauma. He has buried them long ago, and denied them. Emotions buried will come back to haunt.
His emotions are cranked to 11. Basically everything he does is emotionally based. There is a profound sadness and depression within him, which he cannot explain, nor accept. So he lashes out. Projects upon you, his spouse, the closest person to him. Blames you.
He cannot blame himself. He is completely driven to this behaviour. He is in crisis; pushed over the edge. So you, and his life, must be the cause he will incorrectly concluded. When you are driven or allow your emotions to rule - irrational behaviours and decision will result. He will display confusion, poor judgement, bad behaviour, and will revert, time travel back to the emotional time of the trauma. He needs to emotionally grow from that hurt little boy.
Destruction seems like the only way out for him. He is desperate and desperate people do desperate things.
You cannot stop this runaway train - it is going to wreck. The choice you have is to remain and crash with it or wisely step aside and live your life.
H reminding you, 15 months later, that he wants a divorce, is not to be taken at face value. IMHO, your IC is misreading that one. A MLCer is a different type of irrational and crisis. Time looses meaning for them it seems. H’s reminder is actually a reminder for him, not you. Don’t believe anything they say, and only half of what they do.
H is driven by emotions. On Monday, H felt like divorce was the answer. The next day that could/would change. The next day it will change again. Probably changes far quicker than daily if you could see his mind.
He will bait you, try to goad you into doing or saying something. Anything he can use as justification to further his false narrative and blame of you. Don’t take the bait. Let him be.
Drop the rope and get a life. H is blaming you. Step back and let him be. In time, he hopefully will realize that “PLC hasn’t done anything to me for a while and yet I am still unhappy”. Then he might look inward. Until then, it’s all running behaviour; blame everything and everyone, and divert his attention elsewhere so he doesn’t peer inside himself. He is just not ready for that, yet.
Your IC’s urging you to “move on” comes from a caring position. “Move forward” better captures the path you wish to travel.
Originally Posted by PLC
3 he will be happy and realize it WAS me that made him unhappy and it isnt MLC
Fear is irrational. It is hard to see the tangled feedback to our emotional responses.
Rationalizing uncouples your responses from the possible future event.
H is in MLC. His path is not about you.
H will never be happy until he quells the demons inside him.
I like seeing your list. I will speak more to it. For now, I need to get to work.
D
Last edited by job; 07/30/2012:48 PM. Reason: edited a word
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
I just popped in for a quick look before I need to leave for work.
Last evening I couldn’t bear to be at home, so he happened to be in the shower and I just left and was gone two hours taking a drive. No destination, just a drive. When I returned he was closed up in the bedroom. This morning, he left for work, and just came home and actually said hi to me. That was unusual as I usually have to see him for him to say anything. Maybe he wondered.
Anyway, I just wanted to say, the difference from first BD to this one on Monday, is that the first time, he really did not speak to me or acknowledge the pets. This time, he has returned to his recent behavior, being cordial no anger. It is a confidence. Or at least, that is what I see. That is what scares me. He thinks he is getting a divorce. I feel that once we address the tax debts and paying bills, he will file,
Tomorrow I will have a phone consult with the attorney I provided numbers to.
At lunch, I came home and H was closed up in the room, for some reason, I like that better, to me if means he’s in his fantasy. When he is active and around, I feel his confidence and that scares me. So anyway, I came in, made lunch and sat down. I did not call out to him. About halfway through, he opened the bedroom door and was going to leave, and said “ I’ll be back” and left. I didn’t respond.
It’s interesting how this goes. He may be nice, because he feels guilty about what he is doing to me. He did say he didn’t want to be “enemies”.
During he second BD (Monday) I asked if he was “traveling for work” soon and he said Friday and would be back Weds, then leave for ten days or so for his vacation,
Friends, I know he is taking a trip to see OW or if there isn’t OW, he’s looking for her.
Anyway, we share a bathroom off my bedroom and this morning he came in to take a shower. It was early. I woke up about an hour ago, and he took the suitcase and carryon bag. It’s fine, he told me he was leaving on Monday, but he always tells me when he will be gone as he leaves. This time he didn’t. I don’t know if I should text and ask him if he is out until Weds like he told me, or if I should just let it go.
Can someone let me know what they think? Part of me feels like I say nothing, but another part wants him to acknowledge he’s gone. I would always be upbeat and tell him to be safe or have fun, but I wouldn’t do that, I would just say ok.
The last time he took off without saying anything was two weeks ago, I noticed the carry on was gone. And later in the day he texted and told me he was looking at a job and would be home Weds. that week. I discovered he took sick time during that jaunt. Then this last weekend he admitted during BD he went to Mexico for a “little getaway”. So this seems like a new romance as he was definitely more “around” before this happened.
I did not speak with him except hi when ne said it yesterday morning.
I’m all over the place, I’m sorry. I know there really is not ANYTHING I can do, but I do not want to do anything wrong. Do I text him and ask? Do I wait and see?
I believe so.