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Core #2875518 12/10/19 05:49 PM
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Mind blown Steve. I just finished that book and still didn't recognize that was NGS.

Venting session again - statistically I shouldn't be divorcing. Our ages, kids ages, religion, racial make up, years living together before marriage, years waiting to have kids. All these things combined give us a very low D rate but here we are. I know the stats mean nothing but I won the opposite of a lottery here.

Advice - What do I do with my wedding ring? If I take it off, others would notice and ask, yet if I were it, does it show pursuing? How long do most of you stay in limbo? I have a feeling we will agree on something such as waiting until D4 starts preschool or until W gets a job and kids are in daycare.


H37, W37
D4, S2
ILYBNILWY 9/19
BD 9/19
EA discovered 10/19
Currently in limbo, no D or S process initiated
Core #2875527 12/10/19 07:13 PM
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Originally Posted by Core
Mind blown Steve. I just finished that book and still didn't recognize that was NGS.

Venting session again - statistically I shouldn't be divorcing. Our ages, kids ages, religion, racial make up, years living together before marriage, years waiting to have kids. All these things combined give us a very low D rate but here we are. I know the stats mean nothing but I won the opposite of a lottery here.

Advice - What do I do with my wedding ring? If I take it off, others would notice and ask, yet if I were it, does it show pursuing? How long do most of you stay in limbo? I have a feeling we will agree on something such as waiting until D4 starts preschool or until W gets a job and kids are in daycare.

Core ~

I get a vibe from your posts that your brain is ping-ponging around at warp speed. Maybe it's because I identify with the combo of anxiety and NGS. I tried really hard early in my sitch to find solutions, to solve all my problems all at once, etc. Try to slow things down. In these early stages when things can feel completely overwhelming, often the best thing is to DO NOTHING. I've heard of the technique of picturing a big red STOP sign in your head when you feel like doing something. It can be really hard to fight that tendency to act. The more you do it, the easier it gets.

Several folks have already pointed out to you the illusion of action. Slow it down.

Do you need to decide today what to do with the ring? Do you need to decide today how long to stay in limbo? Or should you instead focus on GAL, PMA, 180s, learning how to validate, detachment, and working on NGS. It's entirely up to you.

Core #2875530 12/10/19 07:36 PM
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I'm 8 months ahead of you with a cheating husband so here is my advice in no particular order. This isn't about DB'ing it's about protecting yourself. I'll leave DB'ing to the veterans.

1) The advantage to filing first is that it puts the other person on defense, you get to go first in court and you control the process. If you want to postpone you can. You have time to plan, to shop around for an attorney, to pay the retainer, and fill out the paperwork. Go to court if you can and watch litigators in action. Find an attorney you like and schedule a free consult. The attorney works for you so if they push you to file, settle for some every other weekend custody walk away. I did all of these things but file 3 weeks after WAH left. When I was ready to file all I had to do was text her. She emailed me the complaint the next day to sign/date and it was done.

2) That said you are not ready to do anything until you have a plan. You can count on that she is already planning and that she is 10 steps ahead of you. You need to catch up. Cut back all spending, cut, cut, cut take back control of the finances (if you can). Live as if you are divorced NOW. Hope for the best prepare for the worst.

3) Your number one goal is custody. Focus on that first. Keep a journal and document all the time you take care of the kids vs when she's gone. Be super dad and while you probably won't need this it is better to be safe than sorry. Do not let her see you doing this.

4) Your kids are little and while it will still be hard they will adjust quicker than older kids. I've got teenagers and I'm about to have to put my 17 year old on anti depressants. I know now that WAS's don't care about anyone but themselves. You can't nice them back, guilt them back and they don't really care who they hurt as long as THEY are happy. They will (sometimes) use the part where you want to "nice" them back to their advantage. Don't fall for this. No one ever came back because they got a great divorce settlement. They come back when they are broke and their new life stinks.

5) Do NOT move out of the house. Ever. If she wants out she can leave.

6) Gather all financial documents and put them in a safe place. Might be harder to get them later. I did this in week 2. He has yet to ask for them so I have successfully caught him by surprise. I have everything. Birth certificates, car titles, tax returns, credit card statements, everything. If there is anything you want out of the house take care of that now. My own ex best friend moved out while her husband was at work.

Look you sound like a great guy and I pray you won't need any of this advice but do it anyway. You'll regret doing too little but you won't regret doing too much. I stayed in limbo for 5 months because that was when the lease was up and he forced me to move. At that point I knew I'd probably have to file soon. I filed in month 7.


Last edited by kas99; 12/10/19 07:38 PM.
Core #2875589 12/11/19 01:12 AM
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U, you're right. At first I used every minute I possibility could but now I see its unrealistic l, exhausting and took mental energy from the kids. One day at a time. S is teething so I suppose the best thing I can do is sleep!

Kas, this is really good information, thank you. I'm in charge of most finances which is helpful. I've got a budget for now, three years back and the future assuming I get the house. Alimony and child support calculated and factored in. Im so sorry to hear you've a teen going on anti depressants. All ages seem to get hit hard. Youre right in that my S1 will probably not be as affected. D4 I feel so badly for. Whenever we draw, she always wants a whole family. Love Finger Family and similar songs, always wants the whole family in a toy set. We raised her on family being first.

Limbo aka purgatory is something else. Especially knowing OM is still in contact. It would be a little more bearable for me to live in this limbo for the kids if there was no OM.


H37, W37
D4, S2
ILYBNILWY 9/19
BD 9/19
EA discovered 10/19
Currently in limbo, no D or S process initiated
Core #2875646 12/11/19 02:53 PM
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D4 told me a family member stopped by to get a paper from W today. She's so sweet and innocent. I've no idea what the paper was but my gut tells me we are proceeding forward. Here's D4 excitedly telling me she saw family and held the paper, with no clue the family is on the path to dissolve. Last night we colored and she made sure to ask me to draw all the family members. The bulk of my sadness in this has moved to the kids. S1 didnt even get one xmas with his family unit intact. We will be in presence only. I feel like the family is getting the death sentence for jaywalking.


H37, W37
D4, S2
ILYBNILWY 9/19
BD 9/19
EA discovered 10/19
Currently in limbo, no D or S process initiated
Core #2875651 12/11/19 03:26 PM
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Originally Posted by Core

Advice - What do I do with my wedding ring? If I take it off, others would notice and ask, yet if I were it, does it show pursuing? How long do most of you stay in limbo? I have a feeling we will agree on something such as waiting until D4 starts preschool or until W gets a job and kids are in daycare.


And you would remove your ring now why? I think you're reading what we're saying, you're acknowledging it, but you're not understanding it. Removing your ring to "wake her up" falls under that "illusion of action" that Steve mentioned. If you are completely honest with yourself the only reason you would remove it right now is you want to get some kind of reaction out of her, you're hoping it'll snap her out of it but it won't. You're also worried it will trigger a negative reaction from her which is why you came here to ask about it. Leave it on. You've got to focus your attention elsewhere, all this attention on W is just driving her farther away.


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
Core #2875655 12/11/19 03:49 PM
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Core - FWIW, I agree with AS above.


H 37
W 31
S 2

T: 7
M: 4

BD 12/18
Separated 2/19
Living back together 04/06/2019
W Moved out again 07/15/2019
Core #2875659 12/11/19 04:18 PM
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In regards to the ring,

I decided to take mine off because it was a source of sadness, a reminder that it was over. I pursued a lot initially and I think wearing the ring was almost pursuit for me. I took mine off, put it away, and did my to forget about that aspect.

Did Mrs. Core take hers off?


H 34
W 29
BD 3/12/18
Divorce Busted Spring 19

It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Core #2875667 12/11/19 04:43 PM
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You are married. You should wear your ring until the time you are no longer married.

Most LBSs ask this hoping either removing it will get the notice of their WAS. Or to covertly start playing the field. Both are terrible reasons. Do not do anything to manipulate your WAS. And the last thing you need to do is complicate your sitch with another person.

Last edited by Steve85; 12/11/19 04:44 PM.

M(52), W(53),D(17)
M-20, T-23 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Core #2875668 12/11/19 04:51 PM
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By the way, having principles and adhering to them through this time in your life is of the utmost importance. Never give in on principles. No matter the reason. To make a statement. To get her attention. To make yourself "feel" better. Etc.

If your principle was to wear your wedding ring before BD, it should remain your principle after BD. Once you start giving up your principles based on another person's behavior, you begin to lose yourself. Be true to you.


M(52), W(53),D(17)
M-20, T-23 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
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