MLC or Exit Afffair?

[HesAble]

One more question: has anyone had the BD drop right before the holiday season? This seems like the absolute worst time. My H's came in November. We all ate as a family for Thanksgiving at our home so that worked out (although he sat as far away from me as possible). Now that I have detached, I am not sure how to deal with asking about Christmas plans. We both have in-laws out of town who like to see the kids. I am not sure if H has told his family.

[AnotherStander]

Yes I believe Steve said BD was two days before Christmas for him!

[Ready2Change]

I was told by another poster not to sugar coat my advise. So I will give my 2 cents as unfiltered as I can.


Your husband sent you a text message that he didn't want to work on the marriage. So, I suggest that you have all communications via email, and keep it about "business". Parenting is part of business. Paying bills etc. Do not engage in relationship talk.

I am not sure how to deal with asking about Christmas plans. We both have in-laws out of town who like to see the kids. I am not sure if H has told his family.

Test the waters with a text like this:
W:"H, I plan on inviting my parents here for XMAS."
or
W:"H, I plan on taking the kids to my parents house for XMAS. We will be leaving this date and back on this date"

See how he responds.

1) OK.
2) What about me?
3) I want the kids to see my parents.

With #1 follow through with the plan. With #2 or #3, continue dialog.

#2) You can join us if you want. It is your choice.
#3) if you are staying home :"You can invite them to join us if you would like"
If you are visiting your parents "You can take the kids to visit your family next year"

[kas99]

If I could go back I would have eliminated texting. Email only. I picked an email account I rarely use so I could control when I was emotionally ready to deal with him.

[Ready2Change]

All my text message get forwarded to my gmail account. I don't remember how I set this up, but I have a good "record" of texting as well.

If texting looks like it is going south, direct the conversation to email with this text "I sent you an email"

[ScottB]

If I could go back I would have eliminated texting. Email only. I picked an email account I rarely use so I could control when I was emotionally ready to deal with him.

That seems smart but I would think it would be tough to do. There is nothing worse than when you are at work and you see a text that is just calling to you, then you read it and its devastating.

[HesAble]

Yeah, I personally would not have sent a text message concerning a big, serious life-altering BD like I can't work on this marriage anymore. But H decided to do this. Communication in our marriage has been extremely poor and it has not been all his fault. I have contributed to this too. Probably explains how we got to this point without much warning.

[HesAble]

So H stayed out all night and came home just now at 7. I am livid. How
did you all deal with feelings of extreme anger? I want to reach out and touch him. This is killing me! I am trying to act detached, etc.

I cannot afford to kick him out and I think it would be illegal anyway since our home is marital property. He lives in the basement although we still share a bathroom and closet. I think he wants me to ask him to leave because that will make him feel less guilty about leaving.

[Core]

Hi H!
What's helped me living with a S whom is most likely in an affair or a serious MLC whom I can't kick out is to call a trusted contact to vent, have family over, see a counselor, come here to post or exercise. Standard cardio exercising or something peaceful like yoga may not take away the anger...what I like is boxing (the air, have no bag), something intense pushing your limits like high numbers or burpees, or high jumps, or something like Tae Bo. I know its hard to see your H just about everyday. Makes it harder to detach and GAL. He seems to be cake eating as the vets call it. How to end the cake eating I'll leave to the vets. You're not alone in such a difficult circumstance!

[HesAble]

The cake eating that H is doing is what is driving me completely insane. He is having the time of his life and, meanwhile, I am falling apart all while trying to pretend all is well (180ing, detaching, GAL) and take care of 2 children while working full-time.

I spoke with one therapist who told me I need to let him know I am angry. She says I am making it easy for him to do what he is doing and he needs to feel some pressure. That he will just continue if I allow it. This of course is contrary to DB advice. I am so conflicted!!!