Scout's QLC journey #2

[scout12]

H's mother sent me a message after their family Christmas weekend. She wanted to let me know that they had a wonderful time with S1 and the family. She said how cute the kids were and hoped I enjoyed the photos. She also thanked me for sending gifts for the family (just some nice boxes of chocolate). She wants to catch up next weekend.

I replied that I was glad they had a good time and I was hoping to hear that. I said the photos were lovely and thanked her for them. And I said I would love to see her next weekend.

I'm wondering what to say if she asks how things are between me and H. The reality is that I don't speak to him unless required, he isn't allowed in my house, and I'm no longer hoping to reconcile. The last time we spoke, I told her I was standing for my marriage. How I can explain these new decisions? I know I don't have to discuss it at all. I don't want to hurt her. But if she asks, I feel that I shouldn't obfuscate the truth. The verbal abuse, the false accusations, the parenting disrespect, and the biggest elephant in the room, the affair.

I'm sure the advice will be to keep H's dirty laundry private, especially to his family. But that feels disingenuous to my own integrity. I feel I have the right to own and share my story as I see fit. Not to punish or condemn, but to stay true to myself.

[DS9]

Hey Scout,

Blood's thicker than water - always remember that when dealing with his family. I think from memory you may have mentioned H's family demonstrating that as well, so I'm not sure how well you get on with them in the broader scheme.

I'd just say "I'm solely focusing on S and myself right now, and havent had much to do with H. Please know that H's decision doesn't mean S and I wont be part of your life still'. Modify to suit of course, based on how well you get on.

Your own integrity is just that - your own. You don't need outside validation, least of all from H's family, to cement your integrity. His lies, deceit and sliminess will make itself apparent without you needing to tell anyone. Your quiet dignity will speak in greater volume than any retelling of what he's done or airing his dirty laundry.

Cheers, DS

[DnJ]

Hello scout

I’m still following along and saw your anger has risen quite a bit. Did the physical activity help with it? Sweating it out?

I'm wondering what to say if she asks how things are between me and H. The reality is that I don't speak to him unless required, he isn't allowed in my house, and I'm no longer hoping to reconcile. The last time we spoke, I told her I was standing for my marriage. How I can explain these new decisions?

These new decisions - I want you to think about them. “Think” about them, not feel about them.

Bond drop was June. Separation in July. OW confirmed in October. Months.

You have the gift of time. No need to rush decisions.

Do not make big decisions based mostly on feelings. You are justifiably angry and that influences your thoughts as well. Find indifference and things will look clearer. Then find your beliefs, your values, and alter those which you wish too. Base decisions upon beliefs.

The decision to stand down or not. Base it on beliefs, anything else will cause you grief.

To tell or discuss further details of the situation with spouse’s family is one we all struggle with. And you have plenty of poor behaviour from him you could share.

I feel that I shouldn't obfuscate the truth.

That is the point.

You feel you shouldn’t.

With your intellect, logic, and reason (keeping emotions out of it): Do you think you should tell? What do you think it will accomplish? Or hope to accomplish?

The bigger view point: Do you believe in telling?

But that feels disingenuous to my own integrity.

Feels.

Can you say - That is disingenuous to my own integrity.

I understand where and when you are. 6 month in, things are still stirred up a bit - even for someone so far along and doing so well as you.

Your integrity. That means something. Keeping your side of the street clean.

I believe integrity includes some compassionate confidence and some compassionate disclosure.

I feel I have the right to own and share my story as I see fit. Not to punish or condemn, but to stay true to myself.

You absolutely have the right to share or say what you will. You also have the right to choose not to. It is up to you to decide which right you will exercise. It’s impossible to un-share later if you realize it was an error.

I do realize you are not full of vengeance, and not trying to punish or condemn.

Staying true to yourself is a worthy goal. I just want you to ensure you know and believe in what you are doing. Things change a lot during this journey. Look at far you’ve come in six months. Imagine where you’ll be in six months from now.

Have faith. Keep moving forward. There is a time when feelings are not so involved. It’s rather peaceful.

DnJ

[scout12]

My anger was short-lived. It subsided within a matter of days and I'm chugging along quite cheerfully again.

Sometimes we think we are bad people when we feel angry. Anger is a fair and correct response to being mistreated. It is what we do with the anger that matters. I try my best to not REACT inappropriately while angry. I do ACT though. I reach out to friends, post here or elsewhere online, or channel the emotion into positive activity.

As you said, DnJ, I need to think it over and approach it without emotion. Typing it all out here and receiving your thoughtful input is part of that process. I have been thinking about this in various states of being for a little while now. I'm not too sure that my logical intention is different from my emotional intention. But I will think on it some more

In times of emotional overwhelm, sometimes all you can do is just sit with your feelings, examine them, even console them like a friend in need. No need to reject any feeling, even anger. Or be afraid of those feelings and emotions.

Something my H always struggled with was the inability to entertain negative emotions. It was a point of pride with him that he just wouldn't allow it. There was always the implication (and sometimes the outright statement) that he was 'stronger' or 'better' than me in this regard.

I'm at peace with my decision to stand down. If H was to try and come back now, my answer would be "no". In practical terms, this doesn't mean anything changes for me. I'm still on the same path as I was during my decision to stand. Maybe that is your point, DnJ?

[scout12]

I'd just say "I'm solely focusing on S and myself right now, and havent had much to do with H. Please know that H's decision doesn't mean S and I wont be part of your life still'. Modify to suit of course, based on how well you get on.

I like your script, DS.

His lies, deceit and sliminess will make itself apparent without you needing to tell anyone.

I do believe this.

[DnJ]

Love your post scout.

Maybe that is your point, DnJ?

You are very insightful.

So, if the path is the same, regardless of decision to stand or stand down, you see it’s your path. The path to your healed self.

A concept I really like is - instead of standing down, stand for you.

We start standing for our marriage, our spouse, our relationship. And one by one, indifference mutes those reasons which were based on such strong emotion.

We continue our path, look to our beliefs, and discover. One learns their core, their center, their convictions.

Stand for you.

I like to be accurate in both thought and heart. And remember one’s mind and heart are listening. Standing down has to have something to stand down from. It removes possibilities, it removes hope.

Standing for you, is forward, it’s creation of possibilities and hope.

Hope and possibilities make good healing.

All this may have no affect on the outcome of your situation. It will have an affect on the outcome of you.

The path of the LBS is not primarily about reconciliation, that is the bonus part; the path is about you.

I am so glad you got my point.

DnJ

[scout12]

DnJ, you are Yoda and I am Luke Skywalker. Lol. Thank you.

As part of the healing process, I am transferring memories from my head onto this thread. The theory is that ceremonially downloading these thoughts will free up disk space in my mind and improve my processing speed. So to speak.

The added benefit is the reaction from you all to help me keep things in perspective.

Here are the most 'memorable' things H said to me in the four days between BD and moving out. I'm sure all LBS have heard a variation of the below in their own situations. These words make a lot more sense when seen through the lens of the OW's presence, but without that knowledge at the time, I understood very little of it. Hearing this from the person who vowed to love, cherish, and protect me sent me into a catatonic state of shock, as I'm sure you all have felt before too.

“I don’t love you”
“I don’t like being around you”
“I don’t feel any connection to you”
“We don’t have anything in common”
“I see no future with you”
“I settled for you”
“You are the safe option”
“You’re holding me back”
“I don’t respect you”
“I have too much disdain for you”
“You disgust me”
“You are lazy and boring”
“You are bad company”
“You make no effort to better yourself”
“I need to see what else is out there”
“I want the chance to sleep with other people”
“I give everything and never get anything back”
“I feel trapped with this life”
“I want my freedom”
“I won’t do something because society expects it”
“I haven’t been happy for years”
“The only thing I care about is my own happiness”
“It’s not about what you want, it’s about what I want”
“You never tried to be good enough for me”
“You weren’t the wife that I deserved”

[DnJ]

That is quite a list. And quite a good memory.

After my BD, and meetings, I wrote down what happened and what was said. I just couldn’t believe it; it was just so out there. I thought there is no way I’ll ever remember this. ha ha. Yeah, remembering isn’t a problem.

I’m sure that list looks much different to you now. But man oh man, at BD these kind of things cut to the core. Getting them out of your disk space and onto here is a good idea.

My XW said similar. During her tirade she also blamed me for the furnace vent blowing on her and making her feel cold. Did H make any wildly off the wall blaming of you for stuff? It seems we all have one or two really weird “things” that are actually a bit humorous - once you heal enough and find your humour again. Which I’m pretty sure you have done.

Green and wrinkled you say I am.

DnJ

[scout12]

I made note of everything that happened as well during the first six or so weeks. More to protect myself should things go south than out of disbelief. I don’t blame you for recording your situation. It is really one that beggars belief.

Did H make any wildly off the wall blaming of you for stuff?

Yes, my emails were too business-like! The furnace vent making your XW feel cold is pretty funny. Couldn’t you have tried a little bit harder to meet her needs, DnJ?!

[DnJ]

Couldn’t you have tried a little bit harder to meet her needs, DnJ?!

HAHAHA!!!!!