Do you communicate that you're not giving up on the relationship or that you believe things can be worked through, or does this consolidate a perception of weakness or plan b status?
You communicate that you want to be with her, but do not need to be with her. Does that make senses?
Woman ask questions by making statements. They make statements by asking questions.
Always try to validate her feelings rather than answering the questions.
She sees your changes. She is going to test you. Pass the tests.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
So I guess " curveball " is the Americanism W came down to the kitchen this morning while I was making breakfast tea.
Stated she had been thinking again about a living option that she had suggested very early on after bd about buying a house together and seperating it into 2 living areas as we were seperated but to benefit the kids.
Said she knew of people who had done this,
I just listened
She then reiterated that she did not want me to think she was leading me on. That she knew I wasn't there yet but we would have to have private lives and that there would be the possibility of other partners.
I replied , I'm taking one day at a time, let's leave it on the table as an option and see how things go. Let's concentrate on Christmas first.
She agreed , but was looking at properties on her phone, 10 mins later she raised it again, talking as she was thinking through things.
She raised again if we did it we would need to accept each other's privacy as adults. That she didn't want to be celibate for the rest of her life.
I said "me neither, I have to put one foot in front of the other and focus on working on myself for whatever the future holds, that includes whether I'm in a new relationship or not. That I didn't know what the future held. Again I reiterated let's not make any decisions now, let's concentrate on Christmas first and maybe discuss this stuff in the new year.
Not sure how well I handled this, but I'm not going to leap and bite her hand off. It seems like a massive softening on one hand, although I know she is primarily thinking of the kids Have to be careful of her cake eating. And at same time, last time she proposed this she backtracked very quickly the next day saying it was a crazy idea.
So fully expect walls to come straight back up soon
As the day has progressed , working alongside her, hearing her sing ,sharing a few jokes been really having to hold it all in, feel like I'm completely smitten with her again.
Very challenging not to pursue a relationship talk, express my love for her etc.
Sure she knows, sure it would be disastrous to do any of the above. D6 had her phone on my lap to watch cartoons.
Oversaw a message to a friend saying that I was attending counselling, we were doing better, talking etc but that she would never get back together, ever!
Bit of a gut punch I'm at the house still, she has gone out to her best friends birthday. Looked amazing walking out the door.
This week has really turned me upside down from where I was last week. She mentioned earlier how confusing this week had been for everybody and wants things to return to "normal" next week
"Normal" is living apart and being seperated to her.
As the day has progressed , working alongside her, hearing her sing ,sharing a few jokes been really having to hold it all in, feel like I'm completely smitten with her again.
Very challenging not to pursue a relationship talk, express my love for her etc.
Challenging, but the right thing to do. Restrain those urges.
Originally Posted by Jdevast
Oversaw a message to a friend saying that I was attending counselling, we were doing better, talking etc but that she would never get back together, ever!
This is a huge positive! I hope you can see that.
Also, are you snooping on her phone or was this accidental? I think it's best if you can try to be completely disinterested. I am less concerned about the ethics of snooping than the fact it shows you are tethered emotionally. Work on that detachment. Let her be.
Originally Posted by Jdevast
Bit of a gut punch I'm at the house still, she has gone out to her best friends birthday. Looked amazing walking out the door.
Sounds like a great opportunity for some GAL for you!
Oversaw a message to a friend saying that I was attending counselling, we were doing better, talking etc but that she would never get back together, ever!
She is happy you are attending counseling.
She is happy you guys are doing better.
Those are 2 positive things she said.
Don't over-focus on the last negative comment... That is how she feels today. Feelings change. Let her have her feelings.
Hi Jdevast, My take - her text can mean any number of things and only one person truly knows what it meant. Is she letting others know that she is truly done or (don't want to give you false hope) is she reminding herself of such. What I think is good, is either her friends are asking about your R or she is talking about your R in at least a non hateful light. If she knew you might see the message it may be manipulation or control. With my sitch, my counselor told me to stop trying to read in to these things if it just causes pain. Same may work for you but easier said then done. Sorry you had to read and feel that text. Stay strong, sounds like you are a solid pillar for your D.
H37, W37 D4, S2 ILYBNILWY 9/19 BD 9/19 EA discovered 10/19 Currently in limbo, no D or S process initiated
Thanks guys. This week, today's living suggestions etc have me spiralling in the other direction with rays of potentially false hope. I need to listen to myself and focus on at least there is less hostility and some trust to build on. So impatient, just want to scoop her up in my arms and make this all go away.
Have to accept this is my life right now, love her to bits but she wants no relationship with me.
Good work on picking out those positives U. Stretching a little lol. Difficulty is more people she voices this to, the harder it is to turn around.
Not sure it's possible anyway but will stay the course, my belief doesn't change, but I feel pretty sappy and needy right now.
