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Originally Posted by AnotherStander


Instead of turning into an apology machine you should have just listened and validated. "Reading your comments, it sounds like you felt isolated and alone, is that the way I made you feel?" "Yes, blah blah blah" "I am sorry you feel that way, it must be very frustrating." Notice you are not apologizing for anything YOU did, and you are not even agreeing with her. You are listening to her feelings, and validating them. Period. Then you go about your day like nothing happened. Why? BECAUSE NOTHING HAPPENED. All that spew, it is a reflection of how she feels at this moment in time. Her feelings will change in a year, or a month, or a week, or 5 minutes. She loved you, and she changed to not loving you. Guess what, she can change right back again and probably will.



"What is best for my kids is best for me"
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Originally Posted by LovingIt


Took a lot of reading, researching, cross referencing different videos, books, websites... and what I finally gathered is that attraction works at a subconscious level. Over the span of the marriage, your wife gradually lost respect / attraction for you. She may not have lost it intentionally or maliciously, but this is what happens to most marriages here, and this is how she feels now.

At this point, you need to consider her an ex, and figure out how to make yourself more confident / mysterious / attractive. Imagine yourself single and just starting to date this person again.


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Originally Posted by unchien
In your W's eyes, you can do nothing right. She doesn't know what she wants, but she definitely doesn't want you right now. She's going to find things you are doing wrong and saying wrong on a regular basis. They may seem completely irrational. Ignore the reasoning, pay attention to the feelings. Validate. Understand what is going on, accept it, then decide how you want to conduct yourself according to your values. If you think you need to be more gracious and humble, do it. If that is NGS speaking, then you may have some deeper work to do about how you want to live your life. Confidence, assertiveness, self-respect... these all come from a place within. Work on finding yourself. I guarantee you'll be happier, and you will also increase the odds of saving your MR.



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Originally Posted by LovingIt
What do you mean by concrete? Like specifics of what I will be doing for GAL, 180, tough love, detach?
Originally Posted by Ready2Change
Yes. The details matter. So many people stay in the abstract concepts. Posters need to be in the details.
Originally Posted by LovingIt
Okay... let's give concrete a shot...

GAL
- Mondays - gym after work
- Tuesday / Thursday - basketball
- Wednesdays - still figuring it out - maybe indoor bike trainer or chores at home. also looking into some volunteer such as tutoring, local food bank, or find classes to learn how to cook
- Friday / Saturday - same as before, hangout with friends, go out dancing if there's a good show in town... until there's snow on the hills, then I'll be snowboarding smile
- Sunday - football / golf / biking / snowboard (depending on season), house chores

I found that partying with friends doesn't actually make me feel any better after though - it's a good distraction but I don't grow from it. Would like to meet some new friends, so hoping volunteering or cooking classes could help with that.

Reading and researching some the recommended books and learning actually makes me feel better. I'm a very logical person, so I find that the research helps me make sense of the sitch and why / how we are here, and the data and pattern makes it less personal, so I don't feel like WW is the single worst person in the world doing this to me specifically.

180
- No more angry outbursts
- No more childish possessive behavior
- Keep the home tidy
- Stop hoarding, donate unused stuff
- Put a little more effort into my appearance, I'm in good physical shape but I get away with dressing too casual working in tech
- Read more books - prior to this, I never really read that much
- Cut back on drinking and smoking (next year, after my trip)

Tough love
- No contacting WW
- Be neutral when interacting with WW (earlier, I mistakenly took "tough love" as being cold)
- Be independent and confident

Detach
- Be okay with any outcome
- Stop trying to "win"


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Originally Posted by Twofeet

Hey all, it has been a while. I still lurk these forums from time to time, but I rarely post. People come and go, new faces, new stories, but in the end its all still a similar problem with no easy answers. We talk about how the walkaway/wayward spouse has blinders on. How could they do this, why would they do this, why didn't I do things differently, etc.

However, us LBS definitely have our own blinders on as well. I knew I had those blinders on during the process, but it took some time for them to really come off. It took some time for me to realize who she became and was different than who I thought she was. I thought she was the person I was married to in the first 2 to 3 years of our marriage. Despite that especially in the last 3 years of our marriage she had changed and I couldn't see it. Now that we have been D those attitudes and behaviors she has have only been exacerbated, and have become even more unattractive. I still think about things and surprise myself from time to time, and wonder why I accepted and tolerated certain actions and behaviors. It is not who I am or whom I ever was. I think from my perspective it was to carry that cross and just to make it work without really tackling the real problems head on. Towards the end years of the marriage as much as I do not like who she became, I do not like part of who I was in response to her. Do I wish I still had my M? Yes of course, but only in the fantasy of what I thought it was, not the reality. I look back at what we had and I look now, and it saddens me, especially for my children. I shake my head and think what a d@mn shame. However, these are the scars I carry and who I am is much better than a fantasy.


The co-parenting with the exW has been an interesting ride....Anyone who is co-parenting just put your kids first and don't back down to the exS demands at the determent of your children.



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Originally Posted by PigPen
My path continues... I've still got growing to do, strengths to gain, experiences to have, and lessons to learn. If they have to be learned through the pain of losing the woman I love, I'm just going to have to learn them that way. On some level I know it's better than not learning them at all.

May all of your weekends be filled with peace and strength.


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Originally Posted by BluWave


Iím sorry you are here. I know how much it truly svcks. Your sitch is a real bummer, but not a unique one. The longer we read the forums, the easier it becomes to spot patterns and repeating themes. Itís just different people involved. I live in a very diverse area and have several LGBTQ friends, and I think the dynamics of infidelity are quite similar in all types of relationships. I say that because I don't like to gender stereotype, but there are some differences. I do notice that two women in a romantic R tend to develop intense emotional connections faster than other types of Rs. Also I think that those same Rs can be more of a challenge to end or walk away from. Iím not sure how much that matters, but it sounds like your WW is deeply connected to her OW, and that most likely is separate from her feelings for you. Her feelings for you both are not inversely proportional.

I am sorry to write this next part but I want you to really take this in: there is nothing you can do to change her feelings, break them apart or steal/win her back. I got caught up in those games myself and it simply won't work. I also tried to convince myself that I wasn't doing that and that I was letting go, detaching, etc, but I wasn't. I don't think you are either.

I have read most of this thread, but not your first thread. Iím reading that you and your posters focusing a lot on the intentions of the WS (ie they are simply confused vs being manipulative, they are cake eating vs can't make up their mind, they are a psychotic sociopath vs a lost and loving soul, etc, etc). I would like to challenge all of you on your thinking and say that none of it matters. You are all doing this because the more you can come to understand your WS/WAS, the more sympathy you have for them and therefore the more you can allow their mistreatment of you in the guise that they are somehow still connected. to you. I am sorry but this doesn't work.

You can never know with 100% certainty what they are thinking, wanting, what their "true" intentions are, and ultimately what will happen in the future. It is impossible. Why? 1. Because mind reading never works and 2. They don't actually know themselves. Just like you, theyre constantly in a whirlwind of emotions, confused, and changing. So trying to figure this out only hurts you and it also holds you back from putting your energy into what you can control. You can control how you live your own life without them moving forward. A lot of people try and convince us they are doing that, only to post the next week they are just waiting in the wings for any table scraps. Then they read into said table scraps and attribute meaning to suit their own narrative. Stop doing that.

I am going to be hard on you, and I am sorry for that but I want to help you. You sound a little pathetic. Do you feel that way? Is this the woman your W was initially attracted to? She is actively engaged in an ongoing A and breaking your heart and you are just waiting around for any little bit of attention or interest from her. That cannot feel very good. Does it? You see a big part, the only part, of dropping the rope, going dark and letting them be, is NOT TO PLAY GAMES AND WIN THEM BACK, but it is for you. For your own SELF PRESERVATION. Because you value yourself and only give your heart to people that know how to treat you. If you cannot do that, then you only attract people that walk all over you and don't respect you. She will continue to treat you this way until you start treating yourself better and find your own worth. How do you deserve to be treated?

My strong advise is to do a 180 on her. Drop the rope. Go dark. If she wants to text, call, beg, kick scream cry, promise to end it with OW, then fine. She can do whatever she wants, that is her problem. But take a good 3-6 months and take care of yourself, GAL like crazy, and find your own value again. You can simply tell her that you have decided you need time to think and to please give you space. Then you stick to your words. It won't be easy, but your only other alternative is to accept that your W is a cheater, loves OW and will come and go as she pleases. Right now you are teaching her that that is okay with you. If it's not, then you need to make big changes. You can do this.



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Originally Posted by unchien
The script is simple:

Her: I want a D.

You: I understand you want a D. I want to work on the MR. But it takes two to stay married, and only one to D. I will not stand in your way.

Her: Blah blah blah.

If you have a boundary to assert, state it. Read up on boundaries if you intend to do this.

Otherwise you validate the h3ll out of her and clam up your feelings. If you can't handle things, you politely leave. I strongly advise you try to hang in there and stay as neutral as you can, within your limits.

She does not want to hear your feelings. She will recoil. Any feeling you share will be invalidated, unless it is a feeling that furthers her goal. (For instance, if you say, "I'm committed to being positive whatever happens" she will think "Great! Now I feel less guilty!") So you share nothing, until she commits to working on the MR. Leave her to deal with her own feelings.


If it helps, think of validation and active listening at this time like holding up a mirror to deflect all the cosmic death rays pointed at you.


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Originally Posted by kas99
I'm 8 months ahead of you with a cheating husband so here is my advice in no particular order. This isn't about DB'ing it's about protecting yourself. I'll leave DB'ing to the veterans.

1) The advantage to filing first is that it puts the other person on defense, you get to go first in court and you control the process. If you want to postpone you can. You have time to plan, to shop around for an attorney, to pay the retainer, and fill out the paperwork. Go to court if you can and watch litigators in action. Find an attorney you like and schedule a free consult. The attorney works for you so if they push you to file, settle for some every other weekend custody walk away. I did all of these things but file 3 weeks after WAH left. When I was ready to file all I had to do was text her. She emailed me the complaint the next day to sign/date and it was done.

2) That said you are not ready to do anything until you have a plan. You can count on that she is already planning and that she is 10 steps ahead of you. You need to catch up. Cut back all spending, cut, cut, cut take back control of the finances (if you can). Live as if you are divorced NOW. Hope for the best prepare for the worst.

3) Your number one goal is custody. Focus on that first. Keep a journal and document all the time you take care of the kids vs when she's gone. Be super dad and while you probably won't need this it is better to be safe than sorry. Do not let her see you doing this.

4) Your kids are little and while it will still be hard they will adjust quicker than older kids. I've got teenagers and I'm about to have to put my 17 year old on anti depressants. I know now that WAS's don't care about anyone but themselves. You can't nice them back, guilt them back and they don't really care who they hurt as long as THEY are happy. They will (sometimes) use the part where you want to "nice" them back to their advantage. Don't fall for this. No one ever came back because they got a great divorce settlement. They come back when they are broke and their new life stinks.

5) Do NOT move out of the house. Ever. If she wants out she can leave.

6) Gather all financial documents and put them in a safe place. Might be harder to get them later. I did this in week 2. He has yet to ask for them so I have successfully caught him by surprise. I have everything. Birth certificates, car titles, tax returns, credit card statements, everything. If there is anything you want out of the house take care of that now. My own ex best friend moved out while her husband was at work.

Look you sound like a great guy and I pray you won't need any of this advice but do it anyway. You'll regret doing too little but you won't regret doing too much. I stayed in limbo for 5 months because that was when the lease was up and he forced me to move. At that point I knew I'd probably have to file soon. I filed in month 7.



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Originally Posted by Gekko
I think if you focus on leading a full and fun-filled life, the women will just show up. Building a career, taking care of my financial, emotional, mental, spiritual and physical health has always paid enormous dividends, along with developing and maintaining close friendships, family connections, hobbies and interests. Some people don't want to put in the work, and what they get out of life will reflect what they put into it. Everyone on this forum is capable of being better, of putting in more effort and of building an incredible life, regardless of what happens with their M. Do the work and great things will come your way, you'll see.


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