I need to do this more often. Today I fell off the wagon. Got off the rocky start by getting online (should have worked first). Then I went home for lunch and S19 was there.
S19 wants to buy a beater car to learn how to work on them. WAH took this up a notch to flipping cars. I don't agree with this (the flipping part) but it's not up to me so I'm trying to stay out of it. They've found this car that needs major repairs so this went from learning basic skills to an overhaul. S19 is expressing the same concerns I have that WAH won't have time. This another one of those things if WAH isn't reigned in on he takes on way more than he should. He over promises and under delivers. I kept him grounded and now he's on his own.
I'm validating S19's feelings while doing my best to stay out of this. He says he will ask WAH how much time he has and inside I'm cringing.
kas, did you file for D because you want to be D'd? Or did you do it to try to wake him up?
It's financial and he will go through with it. He wants a D he just doesn't want to pay for it.
I don't want to D but I live in a true fault state. Without grounds (adultery) he doesn't have to give me a divorce until he wants to and doesn't have to pay me without one. I have to go through with it now.
Not sure you answered my question. We typically tell LBSs not to file for divorce until they are ready to be D'd. Any other reason will usually backfire. Obviously there are legal considerations but I highly suggest not taking action based on legal considerations unless you are engaging with a lawyer.
Lots of LBSs use filing as a way to wake up a WAS. Or they do it out of anger or hurt. The first is manipulation. The second is the illusion of action. Both will end up with you being D'd, many times before the LBS was really ready.
The illusion of action is the belief that action, any action, will make the anger or hurt go away. It rarely does. Filing out of anger or hurt results in being D'd and still angry and hurt.
Did you consult a lawyer first?
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Not sure you answered my question. We typically tell LBSs not to file for divorce until they are ready to be D'd. Any other reason will usually backfire. Obviously there are legal considerations but I highly suggest not taking action based on legal considerations unless you are engaging with a lawyer.
Lots of LBSs use filing as a way to wake up a WAS. Or they do it out of anger or hurt. The first is manipulation. The second is the illusion of action. Both will end up with you being D'd, many times before the LBS was really ready.
The illusion of action is the belief that action, any action, will make the anger or hurt go away. It rarely does. Filing out of anger or hurt results in being D'd and still angry and hurt.
Did you consult a lawyer first?
At 53 years old I'd just gotten a job after being a homemaker for 15 years. 6 months later he said "I think we can financially swing a D now". The next day he sees an attorney and I know what they tell men in my state (make a low offer-see if she will take it). He texts me on his way home from there and asks if I will help him fill out the paperwork. I ignore. The day after that he tries to do handshake deals "I'll pay your rent and buy you furniture". Tells me his idiot friend told him there was no alimony in my state (wrong). He laid out this whole plan as if the D was a mutual decision. I'd fill out the forms, pay $200 and voila we'd be divorced in 60 days. I said whoa wait that's not how this works. I said we need an attorney and he says sure we can share one. No I want my own attorney. I'm not sure what planet he was living on but when he realized this wasn't going to go his way he moved out.
After the initial shock my self preservation set in. Within 2 weeks I had hired an attorney and removed all the financial records from the house. He spent the next 30 days rushing around tying up loose ends while I sat back and waited to get served. That day came and went. 4 months later I find out I'm moving when he cc'd me on the email he sent to the rental company. I still had hope. We could live apart, heal and maybe reconcile a year or two down the road. Only problem is I can't afford it.
I thought for sure he'd do the right thing. I gave him the benefit of the doubt and even felt sorry for him. He had all these moving expenses, was working 80 hours a week but I had faith that he'd come through. He didn't increase the support but he did give me the rental deposit back. I began to get nervous because now I'm responsible for my own bills, we aren't communicating, and there is no court order. I'm at the mercy of whatever he chooses to pay me. The only way to get more support was to file. Before I could decide when I found out about the OW and the promotion.
I don't know if you believe in God or not but I do. I contacted my attorney and just told her to file. It was a calm decision but it wasn't until after I filled out the paperwork that I realized I'd been given a gift. Had I waited for him to file it could take years. If I filed without grounds he could just say no until he was ready. Meanwhile I'd struggle in limbo to buy groceries. Filing with grounds means I get more support whether he likes it or not. Its no longer up to him.
I don't want a divorce but I don't see any other solutions.
You know what I am angry. He gets promoted, pays me peanuts while he's out having fun with OW. This isn't okay with me. Now maybe I'd made a difference decision if I could support myself but I can't so here I am.....
Kas thank you for those details. Very proud of you for getting an attorney and protecting yourself legally!
As the truth comes out this is starting to look more and more like a MLC and these things can last 5-7 years.
Financially I can't wait that long and 24 hours after I found out about the OW I was done. I won't stay married to him while he sleeps with other women.
Kas thank you for those details. Very proud of you for getting an attorney and protecting yourself legally!
As the truth comes out this is starting to look more and more like a MLC and these things can last 5-7 years.
Financially I can't wait that long and 24 hours after I found out about the OW I was done. I won't stay married to him while he sleeps with other women.
I like this version of kas way better than the one from a few days ago! This is what DBing is about....saving yourself first.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
S19 wants to buy a beater car to learn how to work on them. WAH took this up a notch to flipping cars. I don't agree with this (the flipping part) but it's not up to me so I'm trying to stay out of it. They've found this car that needs major repairs so this went from learning basic skills to an overhaul. S19 is expressing the same concerns I have that WAH won't have time. This another one of those things if WAH isn't reigned in on he takes on way more than he should. He over promises and under delivers. I kept him grounded and now he's on his own.
I'm validating S19's feelings while doing my best to stay out of this. He says he will ask WAH how much time he has and inside I'm cringing.
Kas you are spinning worst possible outcomes to situations again. How about this possibility- H and S buy a beater car. H finds a newfound focus helping S with the car, the more he helps the happier it makes him and the more he wants to help. They spend months fixing it up and forge a stronger relationship in the process. At the end of it they create something really cool together and sell it for a tidy profit and decide to do it again.
You simply don't know how it's going to turn out, so why assume the worst? Why don't you try assuming the BEST in all of these situations? See if that doesn't help give you a PMA, which you sorely need! H wants to work on a beater with S? FANTASTIC!!! That is GREAT news! Encourage your S do do this, don't throw your typical wet blanket on it.
Worst case scenario, H can't find the time and S builds the car himself. This is EXACTLY what happened to me. I bought an old car, my dad made a lot of bold promises to help me with it, in the end he didn't give me two seconds. I did it all myself, and I did it when there was no Internet to look everything up. I made new friends, I had a car I was d@mned proud of for many years, and it became a lifelong hobby and passion.
Last edited by job; 12/06/1910:33 PM. Reason: edited language
Encourage your S do do this, don't throw your typical wet blanket on it.
I have encouraged it because I know it will blow up in my face if I don't. I've mentioned a few dozen times here that my kids are (nicely) calling me out on my negativity. I hate being wrong, crow doesn't taste very good and I'm tired of burning my hand on a hot stove. Part of my evolution is being aware of peoples reactions and facial expressions. When I'm negative people go quiet, frown, and quickly try to escape. I may not be positive (yet) but I have gotten good about keeping my mouth shut.
Encourage your S do do this, don't throw your typical wet blanket on it.
I have encouraged it because I know it will blow up in my face if I don't. I've mentioned a few dozen times here that my kids are (nicely) calling me out on my negativity.
Maybe. You could be right. It might blow up in your face if you don't.
Encourage your S do do this, don't throw your typical wet blanket on it.
I have encouraged it because I know it will blow up in my face if I don't. I've mentioned a few dozen times here that my kids are (nicely) calling me out on my negativity.
Maybe. You could be right. It might blow up in your face if you don't.
I used an absolute which of course isn’t true. I will say more often than not my negativity (at home) bounces right back to me. That feels bad so it is acting as a huge deterrent to stop. Just being silent is a protective measure now.
