Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thanksgiving Day has come to a close. Kids are home. Sis and BIL here for a week. A friend and her 2 kids, another friend and her cousin joined us around the table. Another friend popped in to say hello. It was a wonderful day.
Lots of e-mail exchanges with H this week. A (sort of) apology shared by H. Reasons (excuses) about why he did what he did (purchase a place with OW). Way too much to write here. I just said I appreciated his words, and understand that they were not easy to share.
Today I was surrounded by friends and family. In my own home. I felt loved, and H was on my mind today. I decided to send him a message "In spite of it all, I am thinking about you today. Happy Thanksgiving".
H: "Yes me to. Difficult day. Miss all of you. Including you".
I sent my note with no expectations. And his words didn't affect me like one might think they would. They make me sad for H. Although he lives with someone, I think he feels very, very much alone.
Much like I felt in the weeks and months before I asked H to move out.
The opposite of what I feel now.
I have a lot to be thankful for.
I am thankful for my friends here and the wise advice.
A great Thanksgiving week has come to a close. Advent has come. A time of Hope, Peace , Love and Joy.
The house is decorated. H was always big on decorating the outside. He always did such a wonderful job. I did it this year. Not as elaborate, but it looks great. Kids decorated the tree before they went back to school. It was nice having them home to do it, and to carry on that tradition.
It was a bit sad, but in a fleeting way. I think I was more sad for H, because I know he will not have that special time, either with the kids or maybe not even with OW. I wonder if they will even decorate.
Looking at ornaments in commemoration of our wedding and places we have visited. Carefully packing away H’s Christmas stocking. H’s stocking missing from the family group. I wonder if he will ask for it?
Nostalgia. A bit of missing sharing all of this with H.
S22 met with H for lunch on Saturday. He said his dad apologized for how it all went down, and he could tell he was sincere from his eyes. Maybe. I have mixed feelings about it all. I think he’s let H off the hook way too easy. But, I guess that’s up to S22 if it’s enough to continue on. Not me. I asked him how his dad looked. He said “his hair was messy”. (My Aspie kid is not exactly astute). I clarified what I meant, and he said “disheveled”. He told me H told him he wasn’t happy. Why would he say that? Looking for sympathy, maybe? Oh well. It’s useless for me to spend any time pondering their interaction.
H asked him to provide a Christmas list. Wanted one from D20 too. S22 readily complied. D20 said she wasn’t sure she wanted any gifts from him as she would feel she was being “bought off”. She is going to discuss with her therapist this week. Lots of feelings starting to surface.
She had a big meltdown this weekend, and we had a long talk. She shared some pretty profound things – about feeling abandoned by her dad, not just now but growing up. Said she felt all he wanted to do was bring home the money, and he never “parented” her. In essence, she felt abandoned emotionally.
I can definitely relate to that………
She also shared some things about me (in reference to when she was growing up). I told her that as her mom, I parented the best way I knew how, but I am also human and made mistakes, looking back. I apologized for them, and suggested that we could have some counseling sessions with her therapist to address it and help us both heal. She thought that was a good idea.
She expressed fear about “turning out like her dad” – unhappy, unemotional, unable to have connections. I told her that’s why I was so proud of her addressing it now, so that she can have a full, joyful life. I told her I understood that this was one of the most difficult things she might ever do – go to therapy and address her demons. But, that she should be so proud of herself, and added that she is doing something that her dad has yet been unable to do, and she is amazing.
It was all pretty heavy. She will move home at least for a semester. Maybe take on-line classes. She needs to regroup. Try various activities that can provide joy, and a sense of accomplishment.
I have lots of things planned for the month, and am glad my life is busy and full. It will change a bit when D20 moves back home. I will have to figure out how to carefully balance being present for her, without giving up my hard-earned life.
I continue to pray for guidance, wisdom, and H.
Grace
Last edited by job; 12/03/1902:18 PM. Reason: added space between paragraphs
Grace, I totally feel you on the heartache of being a mom and of looking back and looking forward. I am glad you are decorating, making beauty there outside and in.
Last edited by job; 12/05/1907:31 PM. Reason: edited post to remove location per Gerda and Grace
I believe I will see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord with courage. Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.
I am having such a hard day/week with divorce stuff, just the thought of seeing you is such a lift!
I am not sure still about plans for the 27th so iet's do the 26th to be safe, and we can always shift it if I find out I can meet another of your days. But I am a night owl and don't mind meeting you late (I mean 10 or 11, etc) if you prefer.
You can bring your kids to say hi -- I am sure they will want to wander off for an hour and not listen to a couple of middle aged ladies yapping. I can give them some ideas of where to wander.
I copied your flight info. Updates we can put here and the color of our hats. : ) And then that day we could leave messages for each other at the place we are meeting if anything goes wrong.
XOXO and WOW this is pretty amazing
Last edited by Gerda; 12/05/1909:39 PM.
I believe I will see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord with courage. Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.
H messaged me last week that he would like to meet. That he did not have an agenda, but would like to meet anyway.
Today was the day. We met at a restaurant.
I was determined to let him drive the conversation. We were silent for a few moments when I sat down, so I decided to share with him a bit about D20 sitch. I had previously told him I would if we ever met, as it was too complicated and important to discuss in an e-mail.
I am not sure how much he was able to comprehend how serious her sitch is right now. But, how he handles it, and what he chooses to believe is on him. I have no control over that. I did share a bit about how she and I were working out our own relationship, and that I was going to go to a counseling session with her.
There was some chit chat, a few tears (him), a lot of avoidance of the eyes (him), and some sharing of a few profound things.
He asked how I was doing. I said very well, that I have a full, joyful life. The truth.
He shared he was depressed. More justifications for why he did what he did. He told me that this was all his fault, and not mine at all. I said nothing about that.
He said he was going to find a counselor.
Wow. First time he said that. I shared with him a bit that I truly wanted him to be healthy and happy. That if he was in the same place he was for the last past year and more (his words), wasn’t it time he considered making a decision to change that if he didn’t like it? He nodded his head yes.
I asked him a bit about life with OW – was he satisfied with his life. (can’t remember the exact words). He said he didn’t want to talk bad about her, but that as long as he did what she said and wanted, she was fine. That he has made no commitments to her (I politely disagreed because a property is a commitment), and I said I didn’t think that was a good way to live. He didn’t verbally say it, but a slight nod of the head said he thought so too.
He said he didn’t want me to think that he was trying to draw me in. I told him that I am strong, and in a good place, and that my decisions will be what is best for me.
I did tell him that I suport whatever he chooses to do to help heal and get in a better place, that counseling was a good idea, and I reiterated that I just want him to be happy. He mentioned the continuing strong urge to flee, but I just said that he can’t flee from himself. He agreed.
At the end, I asked him a blunt question.
Me: Do you want a divorce?
H: Long pause. No, not really.
Me: Why?
H: I don’t think our story is over yet.
M: I don’t think our story is over yet either, but I have no idea what that means. You have never once, in over a year, said those words or shown any action to support it.
H mentioned several times that he didn't want me to think he was trying to draw me in. I find that a bit interesting. That is probably exactly what he is trying to do, even subconsciously, to keep me on the hook.
It won't work.
As we left, H asked for permission to hug me. He said that he wanted to continue the dialogue (not his words exactly, but you get the gist).
I said that was totally up to him, that he will have to initiate it if and when he wants. He said he understood.
I hadn’t seen H in about 4 months.
I wasn’t even nervous going to the meeting.
I’m in a good place.
I will continue with the marriage settlement agreement and D.
But right now it’s time to prepare for a Christmas cookie exchange party.
Well done! You handled that conversation like a pro! Hopefully, he will get the help he needs to heal himself.
A cookie exchange party? That sounds like a lot of fun and some delicious food swapping going on.
Enjoy yourself!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
