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Core #2874671 12/05/19 01:41 AM
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@R2C

I'm in WV which I believe gives 50/50 but varies depending on childs best interests. To your point, I may not want to think that far and have it manifest.

@Hoosjim

It sounds like you had a really good counselor and you did many things right in your situation. I understand the take on confronting, it probably won't solve anything and may drive them closer together. He's in another state but I do have his phone number. I was planning on talking to him about honor and respect but I have a feeling the guy has none based on his actions. My thought is confronting would ultimately make me feel better. I can see myself being on the fence with this one for awhile. Yours is an engaging story and I'm glad you shared it and happy to see how you and the R improved.

All,
This has been some solid advice. I've saved memos, put in calendar updates/reminders and am dedicating as much time as I can to improving. In Hoosjim's sitchs and others, kicking the WW/WAS out of the house seems to do wonders. I'd like to try it myself but I feel my hands are tied. 1 - she wants a D. This will give her what she wants. 2 - and the more important factor. I'd be kicking D4 and S1's mom and full time stay at home mom/baby sitter out of the house. If I kick her out, I'd either be kicking the kids out as well, or I'd damage the kids and I'd quickly be in for hurt and hard pressed to find a baby sitter. In my part of town, the waiting listing for daycare's are 5 months or longer. 3- the last possible option is kicking myself out and losing all I cherish, and potentially showing abandonment in the court of law. Thoughts on this? Again I appreciate the help. As much as I thought I detached and as I believe R2C mentioned, I went right back to attached and ruminated about this all day at work until you all showed up with support. I had a gift already to give W which I'm flipping over to D4 instead. Alpha. Focus. Self Improve. Thing the best. Detach. Put the kids first. Hold off on gifts. Read the links. Exercise. Eat well.



Last edited by Cadet; 01/13/20 06:12 PM. Reason: changed as per poster

H37, W37
D4, S2
ILYBNILWY 9/19
BD 9/19
EA discovered 10/19
Currently in limbo, no D or S process initiated
Core #2874677 12/05/19 01:50 AM
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You do not want to be controlling. Kicking her out is controlling. Telling her "You are free to leave" is not controlling.

Hold off on taking immediate action. Come up with a plan. Run it past us for input. Revise. Run it past us. Repeat until you have a great plan. Execute the plan.



"What is best for my kids is best for me"
Amor Fati
Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Core #2874682 12/05/19 01:58 AM
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Originally Posted by Core
I took advise and moved W out of bedroom. She said nothing.
This is interesting. No reaction from her at all?


"What is best for my kids is best for me"
Amor Fati
Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
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Originally Posted by Ready2Change
You do not want to be controlling. Kicking her out is controlling. Telling her "You are free to leave" is not controlling.

Hold off on taking immediate action. Come up with a plan. Run it past us for input. Revise. Run it past us. Repeat until you have a great plan. Execute the plan.



That's perfect! I said just that 1-2 days after BD and forgot all about it.

Can't believe I'm at this point here with two youngins. So many women tough it out even if they are unhappy when the kids are so young. She was also always so against her family member whom had an affair. Maybe projecting.

As far as a plan, man is it tough. On one end, I've no new solid evidence that the OM is back in the picture though the heart and soul say its still happening. On the other end, even if he is out of the picture, there has been no commitment or chat to work on R. I've been told a "we should do this with the kids stuff after Christmas" which means she plans us both to stay here past xmas? Dont trust anything they say comes to mind.

My semblance of a plan thus far is weak. I can kick her out yet would have to ask her to come over every morning at 6am to watch the kids. Then what do I do...pay her because if she gets a job, she can no longer watch the kids. Not doing that. Neither family will watch the kids part or full time. Back to the drawing board.


H37, W37
D4, S2
ILYBNILWY 9/19
BD 9/19
EA discovered 10/19
Currently in limbo, no D or S process initiated
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Originally Posted by Ready2Change
This is interesting. No reaction from her at all?


None at all! Because our place is so small, we are shuffling D4 between rooms so the MBR has D4 and one spouse, and the other room has the other spouse. She was probably happy to be able to stay up and contact OM without keeping kids awake or feeling guilty.


H37, W37
D4, S2
ILYBNILWY 9/19
BD 9/19
EA discovered 10/19
Currently in limbo, no D or S process initiated
Core #2874710 12/05/19 04:30 AM
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Originally Posted by Core
None at all! Because our place is so small, we are shuffling D4 between rooms so the MBR has D4 and one spouse, and the other room has the other spouse. She was probably happy to be able to stay up and contact OM without keeping kids awake or feeling guilty.
Perfect. Start making it yours. Get a manly photo, like a motorcycle, hung up at the headboard. New manly comforter, and sheets. I like black and grey. Pick out something you like. Move the bed to a new location that you like. Vacuum and dust room. Make D4 area "girly".


"What is best for my kids is best for me"
Amor Fati
Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Core #2874720 12/05/19 10:47 AM
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Just unbelievable...yesterday W asked me if she could take the kids to a friends house for dinner which is not odd in anyway. Well I found this morning a few things, OM definitely emailed her something over our phone plan which had actually ceased a few days back (which isnt to say they were out of contact somehow). The sketchy part, there is text history of W messaging the friend she went to eat dinner with several times during the time frame in which she was supposedly at her place. Either she didn't go there and met someone else or OM is spoofing a text number if thats possible. OM lives many states away and I would hope W would not be already introducing the kids to him if he was somehow here. D4 is so young, I'm not sure if she could tell me what actually happened and I dont want to pry my kid for info.

This dude ripping in to a marriage is just vile. If W somehow ends up with him, how could I ever feel safe for my kids being around someone with no moral compass?


H37, W37
D4, S2
ILYBNILWY 9/19
BD 9/19
EA discovered 10/19
Currently in limbo, no D or S process initiated
Core #2874729 12/05/19 01:12 PM
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At this point, I've probably told 11 people part of whats going on. Didn't even realize how many I've supported on. That's not including whoever my W has told. I hope if there is any reconciliation, that doesn't kill the chance. As per the advice in one of the previous posts, I'm turning just to this forum and 1 or 2 close contacts going forward.

I still have no plan on how to confront the W and remind her she can leave. If the kids were older or she had a job it would be so much easier. I don't even know I truly want her to leave. She is still buying my family xmas gifts, cooking for me, doing laundry, etc. So confusing.

In my last post, I should correct that I don't know for sure OM contacted wife but she did receive am email to text very late at night.


H37, W37
D4, S2
ILYBNILWY 9/19
BD 9/19
EA discovered 10/19
Currently in limbo, no D or S process initiated
Core #2874733 12/05/19 01:26 PM
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Well Core, something is up. Not sure if she was with OM but it sounds pretty clear she was lying about where she was going. I think the bottom line here is that like many WAS's, she already considers you divorced except for some pesky legal document filed somewhere. So she's doing what she wants to do, and doesn't feel obliged to tell you what it is. This is very typical behavior with waywards. You don't really have enough evidence to confront her. If you do confront her she's going to gaslight you until you're questioning your own sanity. So I wouldn't confront. If you really need to know then hire a PI and get it over with. The "not knowing" was driving me crazy in my sitch until I finally said to myself that I would just assume the worst and proceed accordingly. So I just assumed she was having an A, and the interesting thing was that after that, I no longer cared about the texting in the bathroom and the falling asleep with her phone in her hand and the mysterious times she went missing with no explanation. That for me was the beginning of detachment.


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
Core #2874735 12/05/19 01:44 PM
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Core, just catching up on your sitch. I tell the story of something in my sitch, and without getting too deep into it I will try to give cliff-notes.

I initiated BD on 12/23/17 by finding out (snooped on her computer) she was in an EA with a younger guy, 1200 miles away in another state. I confronted (this was her second EA, first one being in 2005). She immediately said she wanted to get a job, get an apartment and get a D. A couple days of moping and feeling sorry for myself (through Christmas) I finally remembered DBing and started DBing.

A couple of weeks later, we were watching TV on a Friday night. She went into the guest bathroom for 2 hours. My instinct was that she was texting with OM, and sending him nude photos. It took all of my willpower not sneak down the hall and look under the door (just typing that is humiliating).

A few weeks later, I found in the trash her online photo cloud, the pictures. Yep, nudes. Clearly taken for OM, sent and then deleted.

I tell that story to make two key points: 1) your instincts are usually right 2) the truth always seems to have a way of coming out. Confronting, not confronting, whatever, will not make this come about or prevent it from coming about. What I can warn you about is this: if you confront, she will do a lot more to cover her tracks. After I initiated BD, my W changed all of her passwords, PINs, and started signing out of apps (I found out the messages for her EA in Facebook messenger app on her PC, even though she was messaging with him on her phone.) Take AS's advice, do not confront until you have the evidence you need. Otherwise she will start jumping through hoops to hide things.


M(52), W(53),D(17)
M-20, T-23 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
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