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#2874382 12/03/19 04:57 PM
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Hi All,

I'm hoping for any and all advice. Where to start. I have D4, S1. Married 5 years, together 7. I suffer from anxiety and had my eyes opened recently, by learning my "Nice Guy syndrome" has returned for the past couple of years.

My anxiety seemed ok to me but flares over safety issues or during heated spousal arguments. Definitely something I needed to manage earlier in hindsight. The more I reflect, the more I see how bad I was. Up until September we seemed normal minus being a little more argumentative which I attributed to sleep loss and a number of unexpected house issues and family health concerns. In Sept, my W and I decided to put in an offered on a new house which was accepted. I ended up having a concern with mold on the property and pulled the offer. My wife said this would hurt her but I sadly did it anyway.  She said to "do what I want". I regret this day.

We had a number of serious fights after, including me saying I wont change, (in that I wont stop having health concerns for the kids but I would manage my anxiety). I got in to counseling, started meds and felt great. W noticed I was improving. We had normal texts expressing love toward each other. Well, by late Sept i got the ILYBINILWY and I love you like a brother. One week later the bomb was dropped. Two days later she got cold, mean and said she never loved me, were not right for each other, ill never change, were not fixable etc. I broke just about every DB rule the first few days, expressing my love, how I'll change, how others have survived and recovered. She took a preplanned business trip to europe. During her trip, she didnt contact me or the kids once. Upon return we started splitting who gets the bedroom every other day.

About 14 days in to this, I learned by looking at texts that she contacted an ex two states over the day before she asked for D. I learned that she looked him up the day after we pulled the offer on the house. Two days in to their text history, I saw her give the date they first chatted on the phone (D Day). Three days in to chatting it looks like he dropped an ILY on her and she felt the same. She mentioned moving and taking the kids about 4 hours away. For my dignity and sake of the kids, I immediately confronted and advised I will get a lawyer. Over the next day it seemed like we had really productive chats. She said she messaged the other guy and broke it off but wouldnt show me the message due to trust violations. We agreed to counseling. All was awkward but ok up to counseling. Counseling was not good however as she said she was not willing to work on us or continue on after that session. She agreed to a one on one therapy.

Within a week I was shown an edited version of what the OM was sent as a goodbye and I received an email stating that she is sorry and wants to work on herself. I was hopeful. She showed remorse, sorrow and a willingness to improve herself as I was already. I thought my 180s may have had an effect.

She later cancelled the 1-1 and I panicked, telling her something quite hurtful. I was advised it was the worst thing anyone has ever said to her. She advised she wants to continue on the path to divorce via mediation and she was giving me time which I requested early on.  I told her that her current mediation plan wont work as she knows the mediators (as suggested by my counselor). She asked me what I wanted to do as an alternative and I said IDK.

We've been in limbo since. We had a great Thanksgiving, are talking about xmas, she called me for the first time to talk about my opinion on gifts, has made some of my favorite dinners and we've smiled and laughed together.

I dont know if she is WAS or WW at this point. Do I get her xmas gifts? Should I be distancing or making her laugh and having her see my changes in person. She asks where I'm going when I leave, and tells me where she is going. As we've the two kids, I'm not sure if we are keeping the peace or on a slow recovery. What are your thoughts? I'm in so much pain over how I've made her feel, where I am now and for the kids.


H37, W37
D4, S2
ILYBNILWY 9/19
BD 9/19
EA discovered 10/19
Currently in limbo, no D or S process initiated
Core #2874386 12/03/19 05:02 PM
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Welcome to the board

Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.

Yes first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/
http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm

and Michele's articles
http://www.divorcebusting.com/articles.htm

You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!

Get out and Get a Life (GAL).

DETACH.

Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.

Have NO EXPECTATIONS.

Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.

Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:

I would start with Sandi's Rules
A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553072#Post2553072

Going Dark
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095

Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414

Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457566#Post2457566

Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096

Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153

For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife by sandi2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554

Resource thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forum...ain=57819&Number=2578224#Post2578224

Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1

Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764

Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574

The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619

Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon


Me-68, D36,S35
Core #2874394 12/03/19 05:28 PM
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I'm sorry you're going through this. How old is your wife? I see your kids are pretty young. Does she usually contact them when away for business trips? I kind of feel like your wife might be about to have a midlife crisis, just because of her attitude towards the kids while away from home, but I don't have enough info about how she normally is.

I would really work hard on yourself. Get your anxiety under control, and validate your wife's feelings. That should help lots. Don't let your guard down just because she seems remorseful. She's likely still looking to make an exit.


BD: 9/8/19
Seperated: 9/13/19
Core #2874403 12/03/19 06:11 PM
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Thank you LostRose.

We are 37W and 36H. I agree, after reading about MLC, this seems like I drove her to an early MLC.

On the other end, it seems like an EA still. She is up late with lights on, "sleeps in" late and restroom trips take awhile, which are attributed to "stomache issues". I've no evidence that is it continuing however and for all I know, she is staying up reading or working on herself. With technology these days, I feel like its near impossible to root out at this point. Also, her phone password has changed. I think I'm just avoiding the truth. Either way, I dont know if treating as a WAS or a WW is best as Ive no evidence.

Either way, she was WW before turning WAS quickly. If i treat as a WAS, am I missing the root WW needs?


H37, W37
D4, S2
ILYBNILWY 9/19
BD 9/19
EA discovered 10/19
Currently in limbo, no D or S process initiated
Core #2874404 12/03/19 06:12 PM
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Originally Posted by Core
What are your thoughts?
You are being too nice.You can't nice her back. You are in "Friend zone" and you do not want to be there.

I lump all the changes you need to make into "Alpha male" behavior. Rewiring your thought processes, behaviors and actions are critically important right now.

Read this post:
https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2846984


Research as much as you can about attraction and seduction and understand the difference.


Understand this: The rules have changed. Learn the new rules quickly and play by the new rules.


I wish you well.


"What is best for my kids is best for me"
Amor Fati
Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Core #2874406 12/03/19 06:15 PM
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Oh my, I meant to add that I changed minor details for confidentiality but I need to be clear and direct if I'm asking you all for help. She didn't take a business trip, but a preplanned vacation. She is a stay at home mom. She would normally contact us daily to talk to me and the kids while away.


H37, W37
D4, S2
ILYBNILWY 9/19
BD 9/19
EA discovered 10/19
Currently in limbo, no D or S process initiated
Core #2874416 12/03/19 07:06 PM
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@Ready2Change

I appreciate the feedback and info. Ready to do anything to restore the family. Going through the link now. I also downloaded and am mostly through No More Mr Nice Guy. I used to read The Game and the like. Man, did I ever get soft after being married and having a daughter.

Im several weeks in to this stitch so hopefully no too little too late, which she has actually stated.


H37, W37
D4, S2
ILYBNILWY 9/19
BD 9/19
EA discovered 10/19
Currently in limbo, no D or S process initiated
Core #2874417 12/03/19 07:16 PM
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Originally Posted by Core
Up until September we seemed normal minus being a little more argumentative which I attributed to sleep loss and a number of unexpected house issues and family health concerns. In Sept, my W and I decided to put in an offered on a new house which was accepted. I ended up having a concern with mold on the property and pulled the offer. My wife said this would hurt her but I sadly did it anyway.  She said to "do what I want". I regret this day.


This is not the problem. You said later that she contacted OM the day after you pulled the offer. That CLEARLY says that she was already thinking about an affair. The house thing was just "the final straw" for her to pull the trigger on making contact. Be glad that you didn't go through with the deal, because my brother did. Little did he know his W had been planning her escape for quite some time, but wanted to buy a bigger house because she thought "maybe it will change things", which of course it did not. So on top of an affair, separation and divorce, my brother found himself in desperate financial condition because of the new house, and he still hasn't recovered from it (it's been around 8 years).

Quote
She took a preplanned business trip to europe. During her trip, she didnt contact me or the kids once.


You can bet she was burning up OM's phone though.

Quote
She said she messaged the other guy and broke it off but wouldnt show me the message due to trust violations.


Classic gaslighting. Are you familiar with the term? Google it if not. Know what it means and understand it so you can recognize when she does it again (which she will). The affair more than likely continues. She's just gone deeper undercover after getting busted.

Quote
We've been in limbo since. We had a great Thanksgiving, are talking about xmas, she called me for the first time to talk about my opinion on gifts, has made some of my favorite dinners and we've smiled and laughed together.


Don't read anything into it, it's really just an indication that she's not feeling pressured. She's still quietly planning her escape though.

Quote
I dont know if she is WAS or WW at this point.


Sounds like a WW.

Quote
Do I get her xmas gifts?


If you do then put the kids' names on them. Don't get her anything personal like a sexy nightie or anything like that.

Quote
Should I be distancing or making her laugh and having her see my changes in person. She asks where I'm going when I leave, and tells me where she is going. As we've the two kids, I'm not sure if we are keeping the peace or on a slow recovery. What are your thoughts?


My thoughts are she's biding her time, this probably isn't a recovery. Recoveries while living under the same roof are very unusual. I'm not trying to kill your hopes, but rather give you some realistic expectations. These situations take a long time to resolve.

Regarding her long bathroom breaks and such, it is exactly what you think it is.


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
Core #2874437 12/03/19 08:40 PM
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"Don't believe anything she says and only half of what she does". Learn it and live it.

Have no expectations from her (like her being around for Xmas for example).

Detach from her. It means don't get angry with her. Don't let her have an effect on your mood.

Think and act, don't feel and react. The "Feel & React" approach is how most drive the nails into the coffin after BD in my opinion. Nothing requires an immediate response so remember that and learn how to validate and respond without injecting your views too much.


H 34
W 29
BD 3/12/18
Divorce Busted Spring 19

It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Core #2874440 12/03/19 08:47 PM
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@AnotherStrander
That is horrible to hear what happened to your brother. I just cannot imagine doing to someone what happened to him, I and others on this board.

All,
I've browsed the forums for a few weeks and havent seen anything quite like my situation. What have others done in a similar scenario? On one end Im 99% sure I'm a sucker and am supporting W while she has an affair, on the other end, I have my house, home cooked food, saving financial hardship and the best possible baby sitter for my kids. My D resolves her playstyle and actions around family. Just about every game she plays involves there being a mom, dad and kids. Just heartbreaking. I went down the rabbit hole of effects of affairs and divorce on kids, wish i didn't do that.


H37, W37
D4, S2
ILYBNILWY 9/19
BD 9/19
EA discovered 10/19
Currently in limbo, no D or S process initiated
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