Sorry to hear you are struggling. Anxiety has been a major part of my life since I was young, I understand your desperation to get away from it.
Don’t be afraid to explore taking meds for your anxiety/depression. I had to do that during one of my BD’s and it helped me in the short term. I still take a low dose SSRI and I feel it helps keep me a little more balanced and not as susceptible to getting crippled by my anxiety.
The other thing that has really helped with anxiety is the gym. And I don’t mean 30 minutes of lightly walking on a treadmill. You have to crush it in the gym. Put on some angry music in your headphones and go lift until you are exhausted.
Hang in there man. I think it’s safe to assume you were a little traumatized by your graphic dream. Hang in there!
W came to pick up the dogs and gave me the guilt trip speech that she really thought I might have gotten all their stuff ready for her but she guesses she was wrong. Really?!
Spent a great Friendsgiving with a newish friend...but unfortunately there was an incident with our dogs, and my dog was bit on the eye. This morning, it was clear he needs to go to a vet. I debated about informing W, due to the cost and knowing her freak out when she returns on Sunday to find one of his eyes looks missing. First I decided not to tell her. But someone told me I should, so I just sent her a brief text that I would need to take him in today, I was sorry, and would let her know the outcome and cost. Of course she follows up with who what how when where?! (Literally). Then calls me immediately demanding to know all the details, where I was and who it was with.
Incredible, isn't it? There have been many stories of WW's in affairs and divorcing their H, and still "demands" to know all the details. She doesn't seem to miss an opportunity to throw guilt trips your way, and talk down to you as if you were six years old. It hasn't hit her that she no longer gets to be "in the know" about your personal life, b/c she forfeited that right when she decided to end her reign as Mrs. 44.
Guilt trips only succeed if you feel guilty. The best revenge (not that you are looking for revenge) is to be completely nonchalant, and let her see how ineffective her guilt trips work.
Quote
Somehow my emotional state has taken a drastic turn for the worse. The last four days I have had anxiety so bad I can hardly function. I wake up every morning feeling absolutely sick with worry and it doesn’t go away unless I GAL with others and distract myself. But as soon as I’m alone again, it’s back. I’m worried something is happening that I don’t know about. Like somehow my gut feeling knows. I am going to talk to IC on Tuesday at my appointment but I think I need medication, which also terrifies me. I don’t like the idea of taking drugs for mental health stuff but if this doesn’t stop, I can’t live like this. I can’t eat and feel desperate to make this awful feeling go away.
I don’t understand why this is suddenly happening now, after it’s been well over 2 months since BD and I have been largely “fine” as far as not being crippled by this kind of thing. The only thing I can think of that coincides with this starting is an extremely graphic, disturbing dream I had about W and OM. What I saw in this dream I can’t get out of my head. Is it possible for my own dreams to have traumatized me?! It feels insane.
((((44tries)))) I think I'm the world's worst, when it comes to comforting someone. Just isn't my "hidden talent".......but that's not to say I don't care if someone is suffering. I usually wait for other LBS's to respond to the posts like you've written regarding your emotions, b/c they can relate, better than anyone, to the pain you are experiencing. One time I tried to express empathy with a particular LBH, and I told him the worse pain I had experienced was when my mother and my daughter died within months of each other...... and I tried to express some of my emotional struggles and talk about grief. Well......he told me that losing his WW in divorce was worse than if he lost her in death. He said something like, "At least your loss was due to death.....instead of divorce". You get closure with death, but my WW is still alive and I will never have closure as long as she lives". (For the record, some people don't find closure when they lose a loved in death, but that was his opinion. I was not talking about closure. I was talking about emotional pain & loss).
I wanted to help him so badly, and nobody had responded to his emotional outpouring. Since I was a former WW, I couldn't tell him I knew just how he felt. However, I had experienced pain from loss. So, I tried to reach out and connect with him by sharing my most painful experience in my life. I can't remember his name, but I've often thought about his response. Perhaps he felt as if I was comparing my pain to his, or suggesting that my loss was greater than his. Rather than him seeing that I could relate to pain that resulted from a great loss, maybe he felt that I was trying to invalidate his pain.
Pain if very personal. Even if a group of people share similar experiences, does is lessen your own suffering? IDK, but we human beings find some measure of comfort with those who have same experiences. I don't know that people can compare pain......however, it seems to help if they hear from someone who has traveled the same road. Everyone's pain is unique, especially if you are the one who is suffering. Sorry, I am rambling.
I'll try to close this out by urging you to do everything possible to tackle your fear and depression. I had asked you about finding a church since moving back to the states, but I don't remember you answering. I encourage you to find one that gives you the spiritual uplifting and assurance for facing the future. As for taking anti-depressants, I'll tell you what my doctor said........"Even Christians need help with depression sometimes". We aren't talking about feeling the blues here. You are describing serious depression that may require medical assistance. Doesn't mean you'll be on AD's for the rest of your life. If you had a physical condition, would you have a problem taking medication to treat it? Please discuss your concerns about AD meds with your doctor.
I remember reading a list of things in life that caused the greatest stress. Moving to a foreign country, buying a house, getting a divorce, (not to mention some other things you've gone through the past couple of years).......rank closely with the loss of loved ones. I'm talking about the things that bring the greatest stress. Is there any wonder you are depressed. The good news is that you have all these guys on the board to keep you company and they know what works and what doesn't.
Please don't stop posting. Even if you have no updates, let us hear from you.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
44 - those are just things that worked for me. When my anxiety is really running, meditation flips from “helpful” to “torturous.”
Anxiety is a beast. I also go to IC, listen to podcasts, and in general try to make sure I am taking better care of myself. I haven’t tried medication but sometimes wonder if I should.
