I am reading, listening and I'm aware I'm whining. Let me explain how my brain works. I have to solve the problem in my head today. I don't have hope, or faith, nothing other than logic.
go to the gym. go for a run. GAL. pick a small goal and channel all the negativity into it. burn that negativity out. it doesn't matter how easy or how it is for him to find another woman. you shouldn't live your life comparing it to anybody's, much less his. it's all in your head. the circumstances might still be the same but once you flip the switch and change your perspective of it, your world will be different. you don't need to have hope, or faith, use logic right now. you're doing x and it's not making you feel better. don't do x, do something else.
Originally Posted by kas99
I'm fretting over not having a good man in my life to grow old with. I can't imagine any scenario that is different from the one in my head.
I've thought about that too. The thought of not being able to grow old together with my H, becoming loving grandparents together to our future grandchildren...etc was painful. But hey, who knows what's gonna happen 5, 10, 15 years down the road?? Focus on the present and let go of the fear of any uncertainty the future may bring. Focus on what you have control over at this moment. once you have small successes with that, it will slowly build you up. you will come out stronger.
You completely focused on none of the reality of what I said, but instead your mind is thinking about how your H will never have to online date? How in god’s name can this make your life any better?! You are wasting your mental energy that needs to be focused on you.
This honestly makes me want to cry. Not in a bad way just pain. These problems have plagued me my whole life. Always comparing myself to others. Always focusing on what other people have that I don't. I do this with lots of people not just my WAH. None of this makes my life better of course. Again I want to cry. I don't know (yet) how to think differently. How to see my life differently. I'm unhappy and I've got it in my head that the solution is out there. Logically I know it isn't but emotionally I still think it is.
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Please read what I wrote you multiple times. Really take it in. Because you are spinning in circles, hearing nothing of what we are saying and are so focused on made up scenarios of your H. Ask yourself how this is helping you at all.
Cr@p....crying. I know I'm spinning. None of this helps. Unless I'm distracted (tv, cooking, whatever) these thoughts, mind movies, haunt me, then I start spiraling thinking of all I have lost. I even think people here are going to get sick of my incessant whining. D17 gets sick of it (I have gotten better), tells me to stop it and then there is all this pain and I don't know what to do with it.
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I understand you are hurting. But if you don’t want to hurt anymore, you have got to take steps towards that. You have to do the work. It’s some of the hardest work you’ll ever do, but you have to do it
I don't even know what I'm supposed to be doing exactly. Today I did actual work instead of spending all day online. I cooked dinner for my kids, had a nice long chat with S19 about how we are going to detail our cars come spring, started some laundry and did the dishes. I'm about to order some khaki's for my 6'0'' bean pole of a son. Now D17 is here wanting to watch Vampire Diaries with me. So now I have to go. I'm not crying anymore so that's a good thing right??
Last edited by job; 12/06/1910:19 PM. Reason: edited language
These problems have plagued me my whole life. Always comparing myself to others.
That is alright. We all have been there at one point in our lives. You now have choice to keep doing this, or change. Sometimes change is hard. Sometimes it is easy. You just have to decide if you want to change.
HUGS
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
I'm not crying anymore so that's a good thing right?
Crying is critically important. It is healthy to let the emotions out. Do it in private when it is safe. Feel it. I always feel better after a good cry.
HUGS
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Here is where I’m stuck. I read everything, lots of stories and it seems like the only people happy post divorce are those who partnered back up. I’ve got kids who need me and I just can’t date.
Your kids are teens, not helpless toddlers. Many of us jumped back into dating with teens (or younger) still in the house. If you choose not to date then that's fine, but that is exactly what it is- your CHOICE, not something being forced on you because you're caring for babies.
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I know people do it but I won’t.
If you choose not to then that is your prerogative. But don't choose not to and then complain about your own choice. It's like driving your car to the grocery store and then complaining that it took you there! You are the driver of your life.
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So on a good day this means I’ll be tied up for at least 10 more years. I want them to be fully functional, on their own adults before I even attempt another relationship.
They're teens, if they are not already "fully functional" and able to take care of themselves a few hours then you should get to work on that!
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Will I be unhappy until I’m in another relationship?
You will be unhappy until you can get this depression wrestled to the ground. You weren't happy when you were still with your H, you were in a deep state of depression that drove him away. And you certainly haven't been happy since he left. I hope you can come to realize that your current state of unhappiness has nothing to do with being married or being separated or dating or getting your husband back. I'm not sure what your counselor says but it sure sounds like you are still stuck deep in depression. That should be your focus- what can you and your counselor and your doctor do to get that under control.
Here is where I’m stuck. I read everything, lots of stories and it seems like the only people happy post divorce are those who partnered back up. I’ve got kids who need me and I just can’t date.
Your kids are teens, not helpless toddlers. Many of us jumped back into dating with teens (or younger) still in the house. If you choose not to date then that's fine, but that is exactly what it is- your CHOICE, not something being forced on you because you're caring for babies.
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I know people do it but I won’t.
If you choose not to then that is your prerogative. But don't choose not to and then complain about your own choice. It's like driving your car to the grocery store and then complaining that it took you there! You are the driver of your life.
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So on a good day this means I’ll be tied up for at least 10 more years. I want them to be fully functional, on their own adults before I even attempt another relationship.
They're teens, if they are not already "fully functional" and able to take care of themselves a few hours then you should get to work on that!
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Will I be unhappy until I’m in another relationship?
You will be unhappy until you can get this depression wrestled to the ground. You weren't happy when you were still with your H, you were in a deep state of depression that drove him away. And you certainly haven't been happy since he left. I hope you can come to realize that your current state of unhappiness has nothing to do with being married or being separated or dating or getting your husband back. I'm not sure what your counselor says but it sure sounds like you are still stuck deep in depression. That should be your focus- what can you and your counselor and your doctor do to get that under control.
Pure gold from AS, as usual.
kas, happiness comes from within. So many people are unhappy these days because they try to find happiness externally. Money, career, people, power, sex, stuff, religion. None of that can make you happy. I am a devout Christian, but my faith isn't what makes me happy. I have to find joy, peace, contentment internally first. People that chase the external to make them happy are never happy. I see people that do that all the time.
My W watches the show hoarders. As a neat freak germaphobe, that show is too much for me. But what I find is that the people that are hoarding all of this stuff think that the stuff will make them happy. Yet they are miserable, living in miserable conditions, and having a house full of stuff, or even if they had multiple houses full of stuff, that isn't going to fill the unhappy emptiness inside of them.
Find your inner-peace. Your inner-happiness. Be content with who you are. In fact, one of the red flags I see here is you are trying to make your kids happy. That isn't in your power. And it certainly isn't even something you can influence if you aren't happy yourself.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Crying is good. You are recognizing something needs to change. And what AS said to you is so so important z
You weren’t happy in your M. You aren’t happy out of it. What makes you think that you’ll be happy in another R without working on yourself? You can not rely on someone else for your happiness. No one else is responsible for that other than you. You spend most of your time focused on others. What others have and how they live. You do that with your ex. Your kids see it.
Focus on YOU !
I’m going to tell you a very important and personal story. It’s about my mom. And the similarity of your situation to my mothers. I mean, very similar. I want you to read it and take it in and it’s not meant to make you feel bad. It’s meant to show you how you can change the ending. It’s a long story, so bare with me.
My mother was a severe bipolar depressive. Under medicated because she wouldn’t stick with a psychiatrist. She quit therapy. She went to rehab twice , first when I was 4 for her abuse of benzos. She also went to a mental health recovery facility with that. My mother then became a cocaine addict. Went to rehab and mental health facility when I was 8. She was clean of drugs for 12 years. She traded that addiction for gambling.
My dad was by her side. My dad essentially raised me. My mom most days could barely get herself out of bed unless she knew she was going to bingo or Atlantic City. She had no interest in me. My schoolwork, activities, doing anything as a family. She was there, but she wasn’t. She took no interest in my dad either. They did nothing together. We had two family vacations where we had to make sure there was a casino ( one was Las Vegas) and when it was time to come together and do something as a family, she was miserable.
Fast forward to when I was 17. My dad told my mom he was leaving. My mom suspected an affair. My dad was staying out with his coworkers. She knew who it was too. And she was right. My dad was having an affair. He would not bash my mom but as I got older he told me more. And I saw it more as I was neglected as much as he was. He was waiting for me to go to college. He waited all those years until he knew I would be out of the house. My mother spun out of control when my dad moved out. She cried all the time. I had no time to mourn my dad not being there because I had to keep my mom together. My mom made some bad friends, began using drugs again, actually got arrested for possession. My mom really resented me for still loving my dad. She threatened suicide on me a bunch of times while I was at college. I couldn’t take it anymore. I dropped out of college, got my own apartment, and went to work ( this is the time I met my ex). My mom eventually eventually went through with the suicide in a rehab facility where she ended up when she attempted suicide. She failed that one, but managed to do it in the facility. I was 21 years old. And my was gone.
Now, I don’t think you are like mom in the sense you seem like a loving involved mom. You don’t have any addictions . Which is why you have such a chance to help yourself!! My mom took the self medicating route instead of professional help. Deep inside my mother was a really loving woman. She cares about others and could make anyone laugh. But it was all a cover for the pain she was dealing with deep deep down inside. And I wanted nothing more than to make that pain better for my mom. But she had to want to do it the healthy way. But depression affected their marriage horribly. I remember my dad trying to get her to engage in anything as a family. For her to be loving towards him. He needed her to be happy with herself to be happy in that relationship. He was at wits end because nothing he did was ever enough. I don’t agree with the affair. There is no excuse for that. But I remeber how much I wanted her to be a mom and how much it must he hurt him to not have a wife.
You are never going to find what you seek if you keep looking for it outside of yourself . You need help. You need psychiatric treatment. And I could imagine you would lead the most beautiful enjoyable life without your ex or without anyone else. And it would allow the door to be open for someone to want to engage in that with you!
Had to interview people at the main office and the pain awful. Struggled to form words, hands shaking, I struggled. As I drove back to my office I started to spiral and I clung to the words and the kindness of people here. I started down the path of thinking my life is over and I'm trying to fight those thoughts.
I'm behind at work again so I can only read and yes I cling to every word. I want to respond to everyone I just don't have time so here are the high notes.
Dating:
Ginger (your story saddens me) you say you were mostly single for 12 years what was that like? Did you have faith in your future? I had a problem with men which I fixed. I've already tried self medicating with 2 different men (online only) since WAH left. Almost did something I'd regret before stopping. I want my WAH back (later) but everyone is right I wasn't happy with him either. If he came back he'd just leave again. He told S19 I hadn't changed and he's right I haven't. Not yet anyway.
I'm making the conscious decision to not even think about dating until 2 years after my D is final and after I've learned to be happy on my own. If I can't be happy alone then I sure won't be happy with anyone else. I want a man to save me and make this all better. To make this pain go away. To take care of me. These aren't good reasons to date.
Kids
S19 is special needs. He's brilliant but can't make scrambled eggs, will spend 15 minutes discussing the best route to go somewhere new 15 minutes away, gets highly upset when I leave hair on the bathroom floor and when his anxiety hits he does things like has a near meltdown over a missing cord. He's high maintenance and not a typical teen. WAH leaving has made all his symptoms worse.
D17 is now suffering from depression and anxiety (new since WAH left). I've got her in counseling and she wants meds. She has stopped spending time with her friends, the light is out, sticks closely to my side and worries when I come home late from work.
D14 lives with yes my train wreck WAH. I'm trying to reach her but it's slow going.
My kids (right now) need my full attention. WAH isn't there and even when he wants to be the kids aren't interested. For now it's all me.
Depression:
Tried upping my meds and they made me feel worse. I feel better when I get off the couch its just the inertia and the feeling that my life is over that keeps me stuck hence why I post here. I feel like giving up because I believe I'm never going to feel better. Ever. 30 years. How do I recover from being dumped after 30 years?
It's been 3 weeks since I found out about the OW, 2 weeks since I filed for D. I am so grateful that the people here are sticking around to give me comfort and strength to pull it together. I had a decent night last night thanks to everyone here. Felt like I was in a fog and kinda forced but I was ok.
Today not so much....I'm always worse at work which is why my posts here are largely depressing with a suicidal idealization.
Have you ever sat down, and literally took a pen and paper and started listing out your blessings? Human-beings often focus on what we don't have. When we have so much to be grateful for no matter what we may be lacking.
Helen Keller — 'I cried because I had no shoes until I met a man who had no feet'
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Have you ever sat down, and literally took a pen and paper and started listing out your blessings? Human-beings often focus on what we don't have. When we have so much to be grateful for no matter what we may be lacking.
Want to cry. This doesn't help me because I think everything is going to be taken away from me. It's a self fulfilling prophecy because I lost my WAH. I pushed him away until he got sick of it and left.
