Married 28 years, 3 teens WAH moved out 8 months ago
Found out a few weeks ago that there is OW. WAH does not know that I know.
So he makes 4x as much as me, pays me as little as possible, and has OW. Isn't his life just wonderful? She has everything that once was mine. I am jealous of her. I am alone and he has someone.
I filed for divorce last week on the grounds of adultery. I need grounds to get support (true fault state). Not interested in revenge (I still stupidly want to reconcile) I just need more support.
I've been dark for 4 months and I don't think he's been served yet.
So he makes 4x as much as me, pays me as little as possible, and has OW. Isn't his life just wonderful?
Is it? Didn't you post this a few days ago:
Quote
The word is schadenfreude where it makes us smile when we find out he bought the princess's decorations from Dollar General. We're practically giddy about the part where he's drinking heavily, his bed still smells like smoke, they have to cover their toothbrushes because of cockroaches, he doesn't cook so they live on fast food, I took all the kitchen stuff anyway, and he watches nothing but soft, somewhat sick soft porn (it's in his netflix history).
You keep flipping back and forth between saying he has this amazing, perfect life, and saying he's living in a roach-infested hovel on a smoke-saturated mattress. Here's the thing- neither of those scenarios is completely true, and neither of them matter to who YOU are and what YOU do with your life. LET HIM GO. You've got to quit OBSESSING about him, it is extremely unhealthy. You've convinced yourself it's some kind of coping mechanism, but it's not helping you cope at all, it's just making things worse. It's sending you deeper and deeper into depression. You've got to break free, get off the couch, and GAL. I can assure you of two things:
1. If you start to get out and GAL you WILL get better.
2. If you continue to lay around on the couch and wallow in despair you will NOT get better.
I hope the increased meds start to kick in soon. When they do, make it a point to GAL your heart out.
^^^^ who’s giddy about that? You said “we’re giddy” Are you including the kids in this giddiness? Because it’s kind of awful for your kids to see and that’s sad.
And which is it? The perfect magical life, or this? You are just making up so many different narratives .
And how is it your son hates your daughter and you understand why?! What’s going on there?
Try very hard to step back from his life and get much more involved in yours. What do you want for you as an individual? What can YOU do to make that happen? Not what has your H taken away from you that won’t allow it, but what is in your control to give you the life you want?
I don’t see obsessing over him as helping you cope.
I’m so behind at work. I feel somewhat ok at home (I have my kids) it’s at work where I struggle. I can’t respond to everyone at the moment but will.
I feel sick, nauseous and yes it’s because I’m making up stories in my head that aren’t true. I know they aren’t true because my kids tell me so. I’m not asking them they just tell me. Why is it so hard to keep the truth in my head???
kas, I see so much focus on him. Even your new thread title!!
How is your GAL coming? Are you sitting around stewing? Imagining his life is unicorns and rainbows (it is not). What self-improvement activities are engaging in? Use this time to improve yourself. Doing GAL and 180s will help you detach.
Do me a favor. Every day I want you to sit down and write out a list of positive things that happened that day. Remain focused on you and your kids. I don't want you to mention him at all on the list. You need to change your perspective and start being positive. Life is 10% what happens to you, 90% your attitude towards things. Make your 90% all positive and drop the doom-and-gloom.
You can do this!
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Here is where I’m stuck. I read everything, lots of stories and it seems like the only people happy post divorce are those who partnered back up. I’ve got kids who need me and I just can’t date. I know people do it but I won’t. So on a good day this means I’ll be tied up for at least 10 more years. I want them to be fully functional, on their own adults before I even attempt another relationship.
Please tell me this is my codependency talking. Will I be unhappy until I’m in another relationship?
You can't always put your kids first. Not over your MR, definitely (when you are in an ongoing one), and, in many respects, not first over you personally. You can't raise fully healthy, stable children if you yourself are a wreck.
And this is not just me talking... I talked to three different professionals, all highly respected, over the course of my own journey, and also have two friends/acquaintances who are counselors, and they all tell me the same thing: You put your marital relationship and then your own health first. This doesn't mean you "abandon" your children, but you can't be a helicopter parent and swoop in to cover every little thing at the cost of your own health and well being. They need to see Mom and Dad (if you are together) or Mom, individually, and Dad, individually, being happy, healthy people. In your case, if your H is as much of a trainwreck as you say, it is doubly important for you to "Be the Lighthouse" and carry the torch for them. I have had both counselors and clergy put it to me in these terms: "Think about the safety briefing you get whenever you fly... Does the flight crew tell you to put the oxygen mask on your child first and THEN on yourself? No, of course not. They tell you to put the mask on YOURSELF first because ONLY THEN are you best equipped (i.e. not lightheaded or giddy or oxygen-starved or otherwise impaired) to help your children and others around you.
So, it's not about abandoning or not abandoning your kids, it is about making sure you are the best "you" you can be so you can be the best Mom you can be. And believe it or not being there to swoop in for every little skinned knee or every little disruption in their little snowflake lives is not the way to do it. You need to take some time for yourself... that is IF you really want to be the best Mom you can be.
And dont try to pick away at what i typed above or play semantics with me or rationalize because i know from your posting history that that is what you are going to try to do. You are an amazing person BUT YOU NEED TO GET UP OFF THE SOFA AND OUT OF YOUR PIT OF DESPAIR AND TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF. ... and, no, NOT just for you, but for your kids... So don't even think of telling me that "you cant" or that "you don't have the time" or that "it would be selfish of me"... because it wouldn't. Your kids need a happy, healthy Mom... they need the best YOU.
Last edited by hoosjim; 12/02/1909:36 PM.
H53/W51, R-ing 4/'18
"Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires"-Sg.of Sg 2:7
"So oftentimes it happens,that we live our lives in chains, & we never even know we have the key"-Eagles III 1:3
Here is where I’m stuck. it seems like the only people happy post divorce are those who partnered back up.
Hi Kas, I'm happy and I'm not partnered up. My last words to my ex were, "I'm thankful I met you to discover what love is and have our amazing adventures, even if I wish we could continue them." I post during the hard moments--the sour hour when I awake, when I get a text from my ex. In-between I'm calm and happy. If Facebook and photo albums show mostly our happy moments, I propose that support forums show mostly our sad moments. I judge my days more happy than sad between my kids and career.
PS - Some comments I've received have been tremendously helpful when my calm breaks down--your support, May's pointing out I don't need external validation for work I know I did well, and AnotherStander prompting me to re-write why my ex and I (as-is) are never, ever, ever getting back together.
Originally Posted by kas99
Work is killing me today.
My work is a source of joy and fulfillment. Is there another career you'd enjoy more? I do set boundaries. Last Wednesday I worked hard down to the wire--5:59pm. Then I stopped completely until today.
Originally Posted by kas99
I’ve got kids who need me and I just can’t date. I know people do it but I won’t.
Dating can be achieved without impacting the kids on lunch breaks, when going out to get exercise, and after the kids go to bed. I know plenty of full-time moms who date. Of course, you should only date if and when you feel like it! Nothing wrong with choosing to stay single. I know single moms in that camp, too.
::Hugs:: and wishing you well. I hope your day brightens!
