22 Years Gone Part 2

[job]

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[DS9]

I can't afford both IC for D13 and myself.

Mate, if IC is something you feel will help you, then I'm offering to pay for a few sessions for you. Just choose which IC you want then work out how I can get some funds across to the IC from here in Oz because I have no idea about this kind of stuff. You can pay me back if and when you're able to, ok.

Happy thanksgiving to you and your daughter mate. You bloody Yanks have too many cool holidays!

Cheers, DS

[rooskers]

D13 and I went to thanksgiving at one of my friends house. D13's mom did not email, text or call D13 to wish her a happy thanksgiving. My parents also did not email, text, or call me or D13 to wish her a happy thanksgiving.

DS I appreciate the gesture and as fate would have it a friend today offered the same thing. I will have one session next week and will see if that will be of any help.

[DS9]

My parents also did not email, text, or call me or D13 to wish her a happy thanksgiving.

Do you think a call or email to them just laying it out about how you feel with their total lack of support or interest would wake them up? Do they geuinely not care, or have they no idea about how all this has effected you and D?

DS I appreciate the gesture and as fate would have it a friend today offered the same thing. I will have one session next week and will see if that will be of any help.

No worries Roo. Glad to hear you're getitng into IC and hope it helps you work things out!

Here in Oz you can get heavily subsidised counselling if you get referred from a Dr. I imagine that's not on offer in the USA?

Cheers, DS

[rooskers]

Do you think a call or email to them just laying it out about how you feel with their total lack of support or interest would wake them up?

I tried that and she blamed me for everything. I told her it hurt that she hasn't come to my house to see D13 or myself and she said "that is a lie, you told me not to come over." There is no way I would have said that. I confronted her about the nasty texts and she denied those as well until I said I had them right in front of me on my phone. She either denied everything or turned it around and said it was my fault. I asked her why I had to always call her and she never called me and she said that was not true even though I also have phone records proving that. My mom is exactly like my XW.

On a positive note I took D13 today into the mountains and we cut down a beautiful Christmas tree. When we got home we decided it would be a great idea to make our own ornaments. We have been having so much fun decorating and listening to music. This is a good thing because she has been having a really hard time lately. She keeps asking "why did mom leave, we were such a happy family." It plays in her mind over and over when her mom told her "I want your dad to raise you and I will see you sometimes." I have no answers for her

[DS9]

Gee Roo I'm so sorry about your mum. That's got to be really tough having her fling all that stuff at you.

With your comment about XW being just like mum, do you think this was a subsonscious motivation or spark of chemistry that attracted you to your XW? I'm not asking to be weird or anything, just some of the stuff I've read says sometimes the spark of attraction is made subconsciously and we essentially "marry our mum (or dad)" to heal unresolved issues of put us back into the environment we had when growing up.

Great to hear about the xmas tree and all the fun you had with D!

Cheers, DS

[rooskers]

With your comment about XW being just like mum, do you think this was a subsonscious motivation or spark of chemistry that attracted you to your XW?

They don't look like each other but they do act very similar. Reflecting back I think it was a lot like putting myself in an environment I had growing up. My XW like my mom love me as long as I am meeting their needs and they are the center of my attention. As soon as I stop meeting their needs and work on myself they want nothing more to do with me, become very passive aggressive, and sometimes down right mean. They both have inner demons that they need to work through and I wanted to be their saviors. Instead I have been swallowed by their pain, suffering, anger, and self loathing. The only way out I can see right now is to remove myself completely and let them have the space to work on themselves or continue in their misery.

So I was talking with a friend this weekend and found out my XW is completely trashing me at her workplace. The only problem is talk like this eventually gets back to D13 because a lot of the people she works with send their children to our school. D13 has a hard time when she hears all this nasty stuff about me and knows it isn't true. She continues the theme many of us are going through: I was always abusive, controlling, angry, manipulative, not masculine enough, lazy, etc...

Still trying to keep my chin up but my car broke down this weekend. I am really hoping 2020 goes better.

[DS9]

Hey Roo,

Sorry to hear about your car mate. What's wrong with it? Fixable?

Thanks for your thoughts on the link between XW and your mum(mom). It was an eye opener for me when my sister (who doesnt know my XW that well) told me one of her first impressions of my XW was that she was so much like my mum in not having empathy, and seeing things very black and white. In contrast, my mum was a self absorbed slothful woman, whereas XW was strong and independant, which was one of the main attractions for me. We shared mothers who emotionally abandoned us. Abandonment was the distilled energy we shared. That energy played out in my sitch.

Since BD, I've gone on a deep dive with childhood issues and how they subconsciously play out in the M and destroy things eventually.

Cheers, DS

[rooskers]

More adventures in D13 and her visitations with her mother. D13 got back from her visitation with her mom and was extremely frustrated. She has asked her mom to stop giving her presents and her mom has agreed but as soon as she gets to her mom's house there are presents waiting for her on the bed. She has told her mom Christmas is really difficult and that she was hoping to keep it very low key. When she got to her mom's house there was a big Christmas tree with all the decorations waiting to be put on, house decorations waiting to be hung, Christmas music playing, and cookies ready to be made. Normally I would be all for this but D13 had asked her specifically not to do this because of the hurt it was causing her. Her mom would have none of it, even though D13 was crying, continued on with what she was doing like nothing was wrong and hounded D13 until she helped. She also asked D13 if she could ask me to switch days so I could have D13 Christmas Eve and Christmas Day and she would take a different day earlier in the week. Her mom said this was because she wanted to make sure we have plenty of time to drive to Disneyland. We aren't leaving on Christmas Eve and D13 told her that but her mom said well you can get plenty of rest and I wanted to help you out. D13 found out the real reason is because her mom has a party to go to Christmas Eve and doesn't want to miss it. At the end her mom asked or told her "I did much better this visitation respecting your boundaries didn't I." D13 just shrugged her shoulders at her and when she got home cried for a good hour telling me all these details.

On a positive note after much consideration for the past three months, my friends convincing arguments, and D13's pleading looks, we have decided to get a dog. D13 said the dog should be more loyal and trustworthy than the one who walked out on us. I tried my best not to laugh. My car is also fixed and am crossing my fingers there are no more problems in that realm.

I am still working on myself and trying to detach from a fictional person I was together with for 22 years. Reflecting back I am starting to feel that my XW had multiple affairs on me for many years. I will never know the truth but the signs are all the same each time. We are divorced now but I guess it helps with the letting go part to accept she wasn't the person I put on a pedestal.

[rooskers]

XW sent me an email that she would like me to have D13 Christmas Eve. Why would a mom give up her visitation with her daughter on Christmas eve? She only has her 52 days of the year and she wants me to have her on Christmas Eve. Oh well, I told her I would love to have D13. Since I have the extra time I am going to take her to an NBA game and then after we will go to Disneyland. I can't wait I am so excited.