Hi, Goonies. I am fairly new here myself and don’t have anything to add, other than to offer my support at this difficult time. I used to wake up every day feeling like I was having a nightmare, but it has gotten a bit easier with time. I try to wake up and focus on what I can do in my own life each day. Not to say that some days I don’t wake up and think, How are we here?
Before I address the phase "stirring the pot", I want to point out that the stages for MLC are just a guide. The stages are not linear, nor are the timelines that have been described by others set in stone. Each person is unique, their personalities and childhoods are unique and their coping skills are unique, therefore each person may have some similar traits/behaviors, but each will go through the crisis at their own speed, which is slow, and their behaviors can be totally different. There is no magical potion that will make their crisis go any faster and there is no "one size fits all". The best thing you can do is educate yourself on depression, as this is the main ingredient of MLC, educate yourself as much as possible on MLC by reading the postings here and on our other forums and keeping the focus on yourself by digging deeper for patience, compassion and understanding. This is not a sprint, but a marathon.
I had to go back through the postings to see what you were talking about with regards to stirring the post. "Stirring the post means to get a reaction from someone or something." This particular phrase was used by a former poster when she described the last three stages of a crisis, i.e., depression, withdrawal and acceptance that she used when dealing w/her own spouse's crisis. However, this is only her opinion and may or may not work in every situation. She also stated that "if the LBS allows the MLC'er to run roughshod over them, in this latter half of the crisis, it will turn into a cycle that loops around and around until broken..and each time it loops, it's harder to break...and it takes MORE time and MORE strength to try and break the cycle each time it's allowed to come about." In my opinion, that the "cycle" can happen any time throughout the crisis and that's why we encourage people to focus on themselves, their families and above all else, learn to detach from their behaviors and not over analyze what they say or do. We can break the cycle if we get off the merry-go-round of crazymaking behavior and detach. An example of "stirring the pot" could be that the MLCer is doing something totally unacceptable like lying, taking things from the home or emptying out the bank account, you call them on their behaviors, i.e., just as you would another person doing such things. The reaction could be positive or negative and it all depends on how you address the issues, i.e., in a calm manner versus pointing fingers and using an argumentative tone.
In my opinion by the time the MLCer has begun the final deep, dark depression, withdrawal and hopefully acceptance stages, the LBS has grown by leaps and bounds and has learned to detach and become more self confident and has the final say in whether they will reconcile or move on. When the MLCer gets to the final stage of waking up and beginning to reconnect w/others, they will have a lot of catching up to do because the LBS has already done the heavy lifting of learning how to live and accept themselves and their lives, i.e., they didn't go down into the rabbit hole like the MLCer did many years ago.
Your spouse has many months to go and you should not try to "stir the pot" to get reactions out of her at this time.
BTW, I removed the reference to the former poster's name as she no longer posts here and has her own business/ forum dealing with MLC and marital issues.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
This is more of a rant, but please add any comments for my sanity....please.
First thing is, my D15 has turned so cold and distant towards me during all of this MLC BS. she has latched onto W because they are both the same level age wise right now. I know that I have done really good in controlling emotions. I know that she will come to see the whole picture one day. but it makes me so mad that W seems to have no feelings on the issue.
Also, she did not call S21 on Christmas. I can see he is not sealing well with her cold heartless attitude. her and him always had a good relationship, before all of this.
Lastly, she has been posting those lame meme's on facebook about how 2020 is going to be the best year, how she shedded dead weight...blah blah blah. is all of this to dig at me, see if I will respond?
I feel like I want to let her know that I still want her back and how much I still love her, and will wait. but I know that is the wrong thing to do. I know I need to wait for her to reach out to me during NC.
I have become more aware the past couple weeks during this NC, that has nothing to do with her and everything to do with my personal growth as a LBS. but I hate it, I cant wait to be happy and confident that what the Lord wants to happen, will happen.
I honestly believe that I have reached a point where I have found my emotional center. I am not racked with depression/anxiety , but I don't feel like I see hope. I hope that I start to lean that way real soon.
Breathe buddy. Just breathe. You will get through this.
I’ve got a couple of questions, if you don’t mind.
W moved out three weeks ago, right?
So you live in the house? Where do D23, S21, D15, D4, and S3 all live? I am guessing the three youngest still live with you in the house. Maybe even all the kids do.
MLCers do turn distance and cold. They have to, it allows them to run. Your W is looking for any reasons to further her justifications for leaving and jumping to this new life. Her memes on FB, and her shedding some dead weight could be a shot at you. Most likely it is her talking herself into what she is doing.
She is irrational right now, and will be for some time. She is on full emotional overload. She feels her life is a mess, she doesn’t know why, and she blames you, the kids, the colour of the sky, whatever it takes, so she can run to her new life. My XW blamed me for the furnace blowing air on her. MLCers are irrational, don’t expect her to make rational decisions.
Do as you have been and do not respond to her taunts on FB.
Most MLCers become terrible parents. They also choose a favourite child and it follows they choose a least favourite. The hierarchy of favourite kids does change especially when the child does not do what the MLCer wants or expects.
D15 it would seem is Mom’s favourite at the moment. Both are acting like 15 year old girls. And 15 year old girls will and do fight. Mom and daughter will have fireworks, stay out of it. Both will blame you. One is an actual teenager who is growing up and needs to push against her authority figure, that’s you by the way. The other is your W, who also needs to grow up. Neither is ready to accept their role in any conflicts. You daughter however is behaving just like a teen should and will learn and grow. Your W is unknown.
All the kids will feel responsible for what is going on between you and W, and their Mom’s abandonment. Their level of self blame will be dependent upon them, their emotional understanding, and their ability to cope. D23 and S21 are both old enough to understand what Mom is doing and can express their anger and displeasure of her behaviour. D4 and S3 are young and are more resilient than you probably figure. It’s D15 who is at an age that will be the big challenge.
Provide love and guidance to you children. Be their rock, their stability, what they can rely upon. Discuss the situation with them, age appropriately of course. Don’t worry, they will ask questions if you open the door.
My daughter was 15 when XW left, much like your daughter. My boys were 17, 19, and 21. We are currently two years passed bomb drop and abandonment.
A few things to consider, for all the kids, but right now it seems D15 is your greatest concern. This does apply to the others, with some modifications depending on events.
D15 is going to blame you. It’s irrational. Do not argue the point with her. She needs to blame someone. And she cannot risk loosing her Mom, and since you are the sane and stable parent you are going to get it.
Don’t worry it isn’t forever. D15 has a lot of anger towards her Mom, which she can’t express to her, you know yell at her. So she has to project it onto you. Listen, be kind and calm, and stay rational. D15 will take her cues from you. Your demonstrated behaviour is the light your kids will follow. D15 will open up to you, ensure you are strong and ready.
In my situation S17 was very angry and I got it. I received rebellious attitude that would be for Dad and the attitude that should have been for Mom. Double doses of anger and grief as well. I did get in the middle of S19 and Mom, oh boy, did that go sideways fast. Both blasted me.
Advice - protect your kids, but stay out of their relationship with their Mom. Your job is not to facilitate their relationship. Your job is to not destroy it. Mom and child have to figure out their relationship. You just keep the young ones safe.
My D15 become colder and distance. She at first hung out with Mom. So wanting her Mom in her life. She had no illusions of wanting to actually live with Mom and OM, just wanted a taste of what was ripped away from her. Eventually she saw through Mom, and how she was just a pawn in her Mom’s game. I’ve watch them ignore and fight each other just like teenage girls do. Mom is much worse than daughter. Two years later, D17 has grown much and understands her Mom. XW not so much growth, of course she doesn’t have a role model, nor the desire to grow up. Children are very perceptive and will see through their Mom’s facade in time.
A word on no contact. I am glad to see you realize that NC is for you to heal. NC allows you the space from W to work towards detachment.
Originally Posted by GOONIES
... has nothing to do with her and everything to do with my personal growth as a LBS. but I hate it, I cant wait to be happy and confident that what the Lord wants to happen, will happen.
Breathe.
Dig for patience.
Remember, you have the gift of time, use it well.
I do empathize and remember just how much I hated what I was going through. I also felt that “I can’t wait”. A suggestion/advice for you.
Your mind is always listening. The little things you say accumulate and will make progress or impede progress. For example using the word can’t. Very few things are truly “can’t”. I can’t get pregnant is a valid one. “I can’t wait to be happy” is actually I don’t want to wait...
Your mind makes your reality. When you say you can’t do something, your mind will make that so.
I don’t want to wait - is accurate and shows that waiting is possible although unwanted. The next and better version is “I can wait to be happy and confident again. I know it is coming and I will make it.” Please try that on. Say it out loud right now. Re-read that sentence out loud.
How does that make you feel? How does that make you think?
Words are powerful. Can, can’t, will, won’t, try, do - choose and use well. Try is an interesting word. It allows for, and I would even go so far to say to predisposes, one to fail. Do, is a better choice, a better mindset. Failure can still happen when using the mindset of doing, and that’s ok, we learn from failure. It’s just “try” has to easy a way out, and some of the stuff you need to “do” is difficult and “trying” is not the same as “doing”.
Your mind is listening, all the time. It will make your reality. Be accurate and true in thought and heart.
Do focus on you and your kids.
Be strong G. You can do this.
DnJ
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
I'm a believe in the power of positive. It's truly amazing how your entire outlook on a situation can change with the use of empowering words.
Writing down encouraging thoughts really helps me. Thinking the words, writing the words, seeing the words, reading the words out loud, hearing the words and feeling the words.
You got this. Find one word that empowers you to be strong. Repeat it whenever a negative though entires.
Breathe
~Never Give Up ~ 2019 Mar BD June BD Dec Aow/xgf 2020 Jan he wants D Feb he flys2 ow Mar returns stuck here C19 Lckdwn Apr he leaves for work until Nov Oct D FINAL 2020 Living MY Happiest Life Ever
hello, she moved out 2 days before Thanksgiving, D4 and S3 'live' with her, she wants shared custody. D15 lives with SIL 2 hours away. that's a whole other story. that was against my better judgement, and I really didn't seem to have any choice at the time. W goes and picks her up almost every weekend. she does not seem to want to talk to me. I just reaffirm that I love her.
I do believe in positive self talk. my problem is I let myself sink into a pit and not give it any thought. I need more practice.
You should stay the course and leave her be. Well, your description of what happened to her as a small child explains a lot of what she's going through right now. She was stunted emotionally as a child and there was no one there to hear her, to actually listen and validate her feelings of loss, unhappiness, etc. Poor child.
What can you do? You allow her the time and space she needs to find herself. You stay the course and continue giving her that much needed space she requires. She needs to go back in time and face her demons and come to realize that as a child, there was nothing she could do about what happened. From there she will begin to grow up and hopefully be a happier and more individual.
I know you want to hold her and reassure her, but you can't. This is her journey to travel back down memory lane. You were not invited on her journey....but you can be there when she reaches out to you and just listen. Do not offer up advice unless she asks for it. Being a good listener will be what she needs and being a good friend to start out would be best. Keep your expectations at zero at all time.
Her crisis didn't just happen, it has taken years and years for this to begin the bubbling up to the surface. Now, she needs to find her way and the best way to do that is space and time. I know, I am repeating myself over and over about space and time...but those two things are very important. This is not a sprint...but a marathon and it will take as long as it takes for her to get through it. You cannot rush the process.
Keep the focus on you and dig deeper for patience. You cannot rush the process for either of you. One minute at a time, one hour at a time, one day at a time. If you attempt to rush the process, she may pull even further away. It is important that you find things to do and make those changes that you think you need to make and make they a permanent part of your life.
There is a resources thread at the top of the forum that has some valuable info in it as well as the Welcome Posting link. I created a thread many years ago on my thoughts as to why they run away and it might be helpful to you as well. Here is the link to the thread
Last edited by job; 01/04/2003:48 PM. Reason: added a link to another thread
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
