I still feel emotionally attached to W in that I think about her still, and miss interacting with her. I am sad she felt the only way out of this was D. I do try to remind myself that she is missing out on me - to have improved myself this much in 6 months is surprising for me, so I just carry on in the knowledge that she's missing out on experiencing this new me.
I understand this. I'm 3 months post BD and just over 2 months since she moved out of the house. 12 years of history went *POOF* in about a month span especially now that we no longer even communicate with one another except business-related items about our S4.
Someone on these forums has this Will Smith quote in their signature and I try to remind myself of it each and every day: "“Don't chase people. Be yourself, do your own thing and work hard. The right people – the ones who really belong in your life – will come to you. And stay.”
If our WWs truly wanted to be in our lives.. They would be in our lives. As much as it hurts me to think about someone that I was so close to for 12 years suddenly disappearing from my life, that was 100% her decision. Yes I wish I could call her and talk about her day or tell her about mine or text her cat pictures and videos all day like we used to up until 3 months ago -- but the fact of the matter is she walked out of my life and has so far not looked back.
My life's mantra has literally become "Oh well." -- I never thought my marriage could be blown up so quickly completely out of the blue, but the fact of the matter is it was not me that did it. It was her choice to get into an EA/PA with another man and rush this divorce like she has.
So like I said.. If they want to be in our lives again they will say the words "I want to make this marriage work" .. Until then, we just have to consider them gone and move on with our lives to the best of our ability. One day we will both find someone that wants to be in our lives again, and we will look back on these days and appreciate them for how much they made us grow in such a short amount of time.
I have seen that Will Smith quote before. It is an important one to remember.
Yes it is all so sudden. She literally decided within 24 hours to D. Impulsive to the end - it was her decision (along with her enablers) to rush the D and not bother trying to discuss things.
All this time on my own has allowed me to really address things that I had left stagnant for years. This can only be a good thing. I'm appreciative of having this time to myself in my mid 30s to deal with all these issues. It has been fantastic to grow as a person, but also horrible in that she is no longer there with me. I know it is her loss; another quote I recall is, "She only has to turn back once to see a strong man to plant a seed of doubt in her mind" or something to that effect.
Me - 36, W - 32 No kids T - 8 yr, M - 3 yr Discovery - 14 May 2019 S - 25 May 2019 & D bomb - 29 July 2019 D & House sale final - Feb 2020
IC wrapped up yesterday. Had a great final session where we just summarised everything.
My IC said I've come a very long way, and should be proud of everything I've achieved despite the awful circumstances. Six months' hard work has paid off, but I know it doesn't stop there - I know to keep GALing and continue with my new positive outlook and develop my newfound confidence.
She said I can come back in the new year for a catch-up session in March/April if I feel it is required.
Me - 36, W - 32 No kids T - 8 yr, M - 3 yr Discovery - 14 May 2019 S - 25 May 2019 & D bomb - 29 July 2019 D & House sale final - Feb 2020
IC wrapped up yesterday. Had a great final session where we just summarised everything.
My IC said I've come a very long way, and should be proud of everything I've achieved despite the awful circumstances. Six months' hard work has paid off, but I know it doesn't stop there - I know to keep GALing and continue with my new positive outlook and develop my newfound confidence.
She said I can come back in the new year for a catch-up session in March/April if I feel it is required.
Dang.. I can only make it about two weeks in between IC visits right now. I was at every week for 1.5 months after BD but have gone to every two weeks now. I keep trying to push it to three weeks but havent been able to make it yet. Hopefully 6 months in I'll be able to have a little more space because it's $180 per session lol.
I've grown so much in these 3 months as well. The holiday season is going to be extra tough though as my time with S4 is gonna be spotty but just have to keep on keepin' on. We'll get there!
Hey DaB, I've been away for a couple of weeks, wanted to catch up on your sitch. Glad to hear it's going pretty well. I feel a bit of kinship as our timing was similar (class of Summer 2019!) and some of our approaches are similar. Just wanted to say that I'm glad you are doing well and that you are having pleasant, if short, conversations with STBXW - hope R comes of it but, even if not, you are much stronger!
M(35), W(35), D(4) M-9, T-12 Bomb Drop (D announcement) - May 3, 2019 W moved out Aug 13 House sold Sept 25 Papers signed Nov 15 Divorce finalized Dec 12
Had a positive GAL experience on Saturday. At the gig I didn't know anyone (new area, new group). However I recognised one person who is actually the husband of an old school friend of W's. I also knew him vaguely from a few years ago. He said "Sorry to hear about you and W". I didn't really go into any detail, then he said "These things can happen." Then we didn't talk about my R at all. We just talked. I think I came across as positive and confident and was telling him about my self-publishing work etc and he was really interested in that. We had a long conversation about tax too lol!
During the gap before the concert, I'd have simply sat alone with a book for a couple of hours. Instead, I forced myself to go to the pub with a few others. I sat down and just chatted. I would never usually do this - this was a big thing for me. It was fine though; I used to be so scared of it. But I just sat down and got talking to a few other people there, about where they're from, who we do for a living, the music we were playing etc. And it was all fine
This was a big achievement for me - these are the kind of things my IC has suggested I do. "Get comfortable with the uncomfortable."
Today I'm doing overtime at work then cycling class at the gym. Nice to have reasons to get out my parents' house rather than be stuck inside all day.
Me - 36, W - 32 No kids T - 8 yr, M - 3 yr Discovery - 14 May 2019 S - 25 May 2019 & D bomb - 29 July 2019 D & House sale final - Feb 2020
Saw this quote somewhere this weekend and thought this applies to DBing:
"Sometimes all you need is twenty seconds of insane courage. Just literally twenty seconds of embarrassing bravery, and I promise you something great will come of it."
I'm going to write that down and keep it in my pocket. If I feel nervous, just be brave for 20 seconds, then I'll be fine. It's more effort to spend 20 minutes worrying than to be brave for 20 seconds and be content and pleased with yourself after that.
NC from W for a while now. Just messaged her to confirm the bills for the month. Kept it business-like. I still miss her, but have been upping my GAL and DBing so my mind has been occupied.
Me - 36, W - 32 No kids T - 8 yr, M - 3 yr Discovery - 14 May 2019 S - 25 May 2019 & D bomb - 29 July 2019 D & House sale final - Feb 2020
Really glad to hear about all your cool GAL goings on, and that you've wrapped up IC. Keep the high road, keep DBing, and keep smashing those castanets!
Cheers, DS
Me: early 40's XW: nearly 50 T: 15 M: 5 BD: Jan 19 S:10 SS: 22 SD: 24
I feel like I'm really liking the new me. I take better care of myself - and I can do that by just getting out of bed 10 minutes earlier. I feel so much better for the rest of the day then.
I'm not going out of my way to tell W or any of her family/friends about my changes. I figure that we have mutual friends who are impartial and remaining talking to both of us, and she will get to hear about me regardless. I have hope, but am preparing for other outcomes too.
Me - 36, W - 32 No kids T - 8 yr, M - 3 yr Discovery - 14 May 2019 S - 25 May 2019 & D bomb - 29 July 2019 D & House sale final - Feb 2020
Had a positive GAL experience on Saturday. At the gig I didn't know anyone (new area, new group). However I recognised one person who is actually the husband of an old school friend of W's. I also knew him vaguely from a few years ago. He said "Sorry to hear about you and W". I didn't really go into any detail, then he said "These things can happen." Then we didn't talk about my R at all. We just talked. I think I came across as positive and confident and was telling him about my self-publishing work etc and he was really interested in that. We had a long conversation about tax too lol!
Dan, this is really great! I know you've struggled in the past with asserting yourself like this, so well done! This is exactly how you bounce back and find yourself again, and the kind of stuff that can make you attractive to your W again as well (and to others). Keep it up!
I agree with the advice you got on your responses to W, and the abbreviated version you posted for comment. Not cold or distant, but not warm and fuzzy either. Try to always strike a balance like that. Like Steve said, treat interactions like business transactions.
EDIT- my thoughts on the light fixture, sometimes something small like that has a big impact on potential buyers, so your W may have a point. I have a cool light fixture in my entryway that looks like a vine wrapping around a blown glass bowl. It strikes quite a first impression versus the cheap brass junk fixture that was there when I bought the house. If I took that down and put a cheap one back like was there before, I could definitely see it turning some buyers off. So unless you have some personal attachment to it I would tell your W she has a good point and that you'll leave it there. If you do have some attachment to it then try to find an equally appealing replacement and tell your W that you're doing that. Even in S and D sometimes it helps to let her know that you still value her opinion, especially if you dismissed her opinions a lot in the M.
