It was only after my ex left that I began to see the narcissistic traits that had always been there. It explained a lot about my marriage. He wasn't really a malignant narcissist but it has informed his relationships with our children after the divorce, in a negative way.
It is nice to see an update from you. To see how much clearly you are seeing things. It is interesting how many subtle clues and slowly ramped behaviours we don’t notice when we were living day to day with our MLCer.
Time apart, does bring clarity. For children as well. Be the safe and secure parent, the one they can always count on. Mom’s behaviours and differences from you, and who she was, and is, in their minds, takes time to acknowledge, reconcile, and accept. Takes time to forgive.
Stay strong and stable. Deal with this the best you can - for all of you.
DnJ
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Hello again. Things have been going well. I've been dating for 8 months or so and it is great. We are taking things slowly.
STBXW has started to make progress with her family. They talked and stated they want a relationship but family has no interest in accepting OM into their lives, so that has not changed.
I reached out to say happy thanksgiving and ended up texting her for a few hours. She does not miss me because I havent changed and (according to her) my behaviors have been worse. Strange, in that we have not spoken in 7 months. She wants to meet with me to discuss the children, as the oldest is finally expressing her feelings about this. It took her over a year but grades suddenly slipped and she has been a mess. The kids have been in counseling for a year, so I will bring this up to the counselor.
Strange thing about her wanting to meet is that it "must be face to face so she can look me in the eye." She does not want it via text, email or a phone call. Last time this happened was 6 months ago and it was full of tears and manipulation. I told her out of respect for my relationship I can make a phone call. I was told to grow a sack and I should not have to answer to anybody. It is clearly manipulation but question is, why would she insist on doing this in person and not by other means? I don't even like seeing her when we drop off the kids to each other.
Because she wants to try to suck you back in, that’s why. The “behaviors” that bother her are probably that you’re dating. Funny, they don’t want us but they’d really like us to just sit on the shelf as their plan B.
It's a power play. As is the suggestion that you need to "grow a sack".
It's much harder to manipulate people at a distance or to tell which tactics are working / not working.
I personally believe that many of our former partners have a hard time dealing with the fact that we're not their property any more.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
I agree with the others, she wants to twist you up again. Don’t take the bait.
She is immediately blaming you so what’s the point. She sees you aren’t sitting around mopey for her, and her misery wants company.
You probably should listen to what she wants to say regarding the kids. A phone call can work just fine.
Of course I think you’re detached enough to meet her face to face if you want. Face to face works both ways and she will see your boundaries and strengthen and you will see her changes from 7 months ago.
Sorry daughter’s grades are slipping. It’s not uncommon and could be for any number of reasons or factors. It’s good she is seeing an IC to talk through any issues about her Mom.
DnJ
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Thanks everyone. I will set a boundary with a phone call. I have done well without being manipulated in my life. It is strange how I even entertained the thought. Last time we met, we locked eyes and almost kissed. I can't take any chances with that at this point in my life. Anything that can be said in person can be said over the phone.
Last time we met, we locked eyes and almost kissed. I can't take any chances with that at this point in my life.
Hi, Hamburg. Despite all the changes I am going through, I don't understand what you are writing here or agree with the advice, even DnJ's. I wasn't going to write anything to rain on the parade but I figure it's good to have some opposite views just to find your own clarity in the midst.
It sounds like you are worried about cheating on someone with your own wife. That is really something to think about-- and, as DnJ says, to examine as your feelings versus your beliefs. I mentioned last year when you started dating your current lady that I would be very reluctant to date a man who was so freshly split up from his wife except as something fun that didn't mean anything, and that I would wonder about why a woman would want to get serious with someone at that point in his journey. No disrespect to your lady; I just mean that there is no way you were healed at that point, and what you say here to me is part of that. If I were your GF and knew you wrote that about your W or even felt that way about her a tiny bit, I would never be able to rest easy as your GF or your future wife.
I don't know if your W is in something temporary or permanent but it sounds to me like you are nowhere near healed, and you are so early in this journey that I guess I would ask you -- what if your W were to come out of it next year, and you could see the old W in her eyes? Would you be confident that you made the right choice to move on so quickly? I am not saying this is going to happen, it might never happen-- but I think your answer has to be extremely confident and you can't still be agonizing over what could happen if you were alone wth her, etc. and be in serious relationship with someone else.
No judgement whatsoever, just offering another view to add to the mix, all out of love and care from Gerda.
I believe I will see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord with courage. Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.
Thank you for the reply. I am more hesitant because I do have a soft spot for people in distress. I don't want to see anyone in pain, even her. I would not do anything romantic with the ex, I have moved past that. I do think I would succumb to the manipulation and give her what she is after--money, pity, an embrace....who knows. Last time it was money, her asking we fire our lawyers and then she wanted me to pay for kids birthday party--which I would have done anyway. 3 days later she was back to a monster.
As for the GF, we are very open about our ex's. She is aware of what happened before. I also informed her about this and she said to do whatever I need to do. I have had checkpoints throughout this process and know I could never be back with her. Being on my own has shown me a great deal about just how controlled and unhappy I was. The narcissistic patterns are too much to handle. Not to mention, everything else that happened is just too much to grasp and make sense of. I cannot trust her and probably will not be able to for years, even after she snaps out of this.
