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DaB35 Offline OP
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Originally Posted by AnotherStander
It seems your W is pretty determined to see this through so there's not a lot you can do to prevent that. If what they are asking isn't a huge inconvenience then just go ahead and take care of it.


I agree. I'll just do the simple stuff where I can or have access to that information.


Originally Posted by AnotherStander
It's OK to have sad thoughts, it's normal. Just keep doing what you're doing and remember that you don't know what the future holds. Somewhere down the line she may very well want to recon. Hope is yours for as long as you want it.


That is a really nice way of looking at the situation - thanks. I will keep hope, but also continue to GAL for myself as I have been doing.

Originally Posted by AnotherStander
One of Michele's peers refers to it as being like ju jitsu. In ju jitsu you "fight" by going along with your partner's moves. If they move you don't counter-move, you move along with them and use their own movement to leverage your position. This is exactly what DB'ing is all about.


Great interpretation here AS. I feel I have been DBing well, especially more recently. I'll keep at it!

Originally Posted by AnotherStander
Yes you have grown and recovered and are building yourself into someone stronger and more self-sufficient. She needs to do the same but she hasn't even begun yet.


Thanks, that means a lot. Self-sufficient is right. Certainly not being as 'timid' as I used to be. And she absolutely hasn't begun. She just thinks havign a few chats with her sister and friends will solve everything. She hasn't done much sorting out I don't think; definitely not DBing to the extent I have been. She will see the stronger improved me, and I will be very happy to be that person naturally without 'faking it' for her benefit only. It's for my benefit primarily.


Me - 36, W - 32
No kids
T - 8 yr, M - 3 yr
Discovery - 14 May 2019
S - 25 May 2019 & D bomb - 29 July 2019
D & House sale final - Feb 2020
Joined: May 2018
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DaB,

wanted to say congrats on this:

Quote
In other news - got a 'well done' email from the gym. I broke a personal record on New Year's Eve when I went for a work out session. Now up to 70kg on leg press, 17.5kg on shoulder press, 40kg on chest press and 52.5kg on the abs/crunch machine. Definitely seeing a faint six-pack now! Also my arms look a lot better. I've never had a better opinion of how I look until recently.


That email in regards to the house sale is tricky. I ignored all the calls, voicemails, and emails in regards to our house sale. When BD happened for me, it took many months but I decided not to move. The difference is that I could have easily purchased our home. The similarity is that I wanted to delay the sale to keep ties between W and I.

If you guys are splitting the bills, I would stop communicating with the solicitor and allow your W to do that work. If she is not willing to lead to sell the house that is her problem. She puts you in this precarious position of advancing things that you do not want, because she cannot handle it? No, I think she is unwilling to learn. She can handle it if she wants to, right? Your W already knows this too.


H 34
W 29
BD 3/12/18
Divorce Busted Spring 19

It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
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DaB35 Offline OP
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Thanks Ovrrnbw - was certainly a nice boost during the week!

I know what you mean. Part of me wants to 'stall' somewhat; not quite sure why. I haven't been chased by W for any of this.
I am in a bit of a quandary about this. Essentially, I know what to ask the Ls re the house sale. W doesn't. I'm doing my utmost to not help too much but it is tricky when it's a jointly-owned house and we both need to look at and approve various forms.

I am happy to do the physical signing of stuff that genuinely needs my signature or uploading personal docs like ID, but I don't like being made to do the actual nitty-gritty of the sale when the L asks for certain docs that, well, neither of us can immediately recognise. I have since today located them in an email from 3 years ago when we bought the house. Do I just forward them to W to pass on, or send them straight to L myself?
The L appears to be just emailing me on paperwork issues (I can only imagine W told them to contact me).

Frustrating, yes, but it's not detrimental to my PMA I can assure you!


Me - 36, W - 32
No kids
T - 8 yr, M - 3 yr
Discovery - 14 May 2019
S - 25 May 2019 & D bomb - 29 July 2019
D & House sale final - Feb 2020
Joined: Jul 2019
Posts: 473
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DS9 Offline
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Hey Dan,

If your L is asking you for docs you dont recognise, then ask them for a generic sample so you can. Why arent they organising the docs themselves? I assume these are title or mortgage documents? Surely the UK has a online database where all these docs have been converted electroically and are available if you subscribe?

Why not just ask them to send you an Authority you can sign so they can retireve on your behalf if there is no database?

With the docs you found, I'd just send straight to the L and cc the XW.

Cheers DS


Me: early 40's
XW: nearly 50
T: 15
M: 5
BD: Jan 19
S:10 SS: 22 SD: 24
Joined: Aug 2019
Posts: 536
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DaB35 Offline OP
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Update - well, there's not much of a massive update!

Some annoying emails from L re house sale. Our house is a "newbuild" so there are some extra forms that we need to send over. Got them from the old Ls from when we bought the house, so I'm assuming it's ok for me to just forward them on to the L (?). Didn't realise selling a house was this involved! Oh well, it's all experience!

DS - it's not like that here in UK. I can ask the local authority for the building regs certificate, which is the only thing missing it seems.

Gym wise I'm now up to:
55kg on the abs/crunch at 2x15
70kg on leg press at 3x12
20kg on shoulder press at 3x12
42.5kg on chest press at 3x12
40kg on lats machine at 3x12
42.5kg on low row at 3x12
Plus small increases every so often on the various cable machines (arms)

Definitely seeing improvements on arms and stomach. I have no reference, as bear in mind before September I did very minimal exercise. I did the odd bits of kettle bells at home, but nothing regular and wasn't fully committed to it. I've been going to the gym every day for the past fortnight - it's very close to my parents' house so I have no excuse really!
I'm watching what I eat too and monitoring protein intake as well to help. Lots more healthy snacks in my lunchbox at work now! My diet was fairly healthy already, but just improving and adding even more good stuff wherever I can.

Very minimal contact from W. Haven't heard from her since she texted me on 3rd to ask me to pass on her thanks to my parents/my sister for their presents to her. No update on the D proceedings either. I wonder how she's getting with her new house hunting - see seems to not be in a good position financially (I would say' Told you so' but as you see from a few posts above, I didn't!). I'm not pushing anything. I'm not reaching out.

I still feel sad occasionally as I find myself frustrated at the fact that she ran away from the M and didn't even want to put effort in to try. It saddens me as there were so many things I was looking forward to doing with her. It seems like such a waste. I'm annoyed that she felt the need to tell so many people, rather than confide in just one person and then me and then we resolved to try before deciding on whether D is an option.

Does it matter that I've not made any effort to contact W's parents/friends? I'm going to keep it that way - is that right?


Me - 36, W - 32
No kids
T - 8 yr, M - 3 yr
Discovery - 14 May 2019
S - 25 May 2019 & D bomb - 29 July 2019
D & House sale final - Feb 2020
Joined: Jul 2019
Posts: 473
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DS9 Offline
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Hey Dan great job on the gal front. Love the progress with the gym!

With her parents and friends how close were you? Have they reached out themselves? Id lay low with these people


Me: early 40's
XW: nearly 50
T: 15
M: 5
BD: Jan 19
S:10 SS: 22 SD: 24
Joined: Aug 2019
Posts: 536
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DaB35 Offline OP
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Hi DS
I was close with them. Absolutely no problems with them. Her parents were very fond of me. Also her brother; I got on extremely well with him and his wife - we had very similar senses of humour and liked the same things. Her friends were quite different to her and I, although we got on and had a laugh. Nobody has reached out to me at all.

Ha - having said I've had no contact from W for a while, I get a text at 8am today:

"Hiya, have you heard anything more from the financial Ls for the court order thing? Hope you've been having a good 2020 so far."

Essentially, it's a rather pointless text. I filled in my bits of the finance form, then sent it to her. She sent it to the financial Ls. As my email was on the form, I just got a confirmation saying "Thanks, we've got your form, we'll add it to the pile and look at it within 31 days." The form says it takes 31 days to be looked at, and she sent it in December, so the 31 days haven't run their course. Strange to also end it with a nice sentiment too. And to send it at 8am, on a Saturday.

Does this count as temp checking? I don't think it is.


Last edited by DaB35; 01/11/20 11:49 AM.

Me - 36, W - 32
No kids
T - 8 yr, M - 3 yr
Discovery - 14 May 2019
S - 25 May 2019 & D bomb - 29 July 2019
D & House sale final - Feb 2020
Joined: Aug 2019
Posts: 536
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DaB35 Offline OP
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I replied to her text with:

"Hi, no haven't heard anything. It can take 30 days. I'm really good thanks - very busy. Have a great weekend."

I responded 12 hours later. I really was genuinely busy, and didn't have time to text her back! She didn't respond after I'd replied.

Think that is ok. Polite, answers the question, positive and a decisive sign off.


Me - 36, W - 32
No kids
T - 8 yr, M - 3 yr
Discovery - 14 May 2019
S - 25 May 2019 & D bomb - 29 July 2019
D & House sale final - Feb 2020
Joined: Jul 2019
Posts: 473
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DS9 Offline
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Hey Dan

If they haven't reached out, I personally would avoid contacting them first. You have no kids so that makes it easier

In my sitch, in contrast, my MIL contacted me a few months after BD right after she found out what happened from my XW as she was floored by it and was told untruths about why XW left me. My SIL caught up with me at the shops and we talked about it and she offered me her support. We keep in touch, and I visit MIL with S every few months.

Remember the principles here to keep DB with her friends and family if they do contact you, ok.

Just with the sms, remember to keep it brief and businesslike and just answer the Q, nothing more ie " Hi XW, I havent heard from them either. Regards Dan" That's all you need mate.

Cheers, DS


Me: early 40's
XW: nearly 50
T: 15
M: 5
BD: Jan 19
S:10 SS: 22 SD: 24
Joined: Aug 2019
Posts: 536
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DaB35 Offline OP
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New thread as nearing 100 replies and long update/thoughts coming...

https://www.divorcebusting.com/foru...flat&Number=2881467&#Post2881467


Me - 36, W - 32
No kids
T - 8 yr, M - 3 yr
Discovery - 14 May 2019
S - 25 May 2019 & D bomb - 29 July 2019
D & House sale final - Feb 2020
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