Post Birthday BD

[Traveler]

But what do you think the AP is seeing that is making him have such trust issues?

Well, having cheated once, she has work to do to convince she won't be a repeat offender.

(a) She almost certainly emotionally cheated on you with him before BD, (b) it almost certainly progressed to physical cheating in that hotel room, and (c) he probably suspects that the "for some reason" all her texts with you were erased is not going to be a reason he likes--e.g., her being dishonest with you about what she was up to with him, or her being dishonest with him about what she was up to with you.

[rooskers]

the marriage is currently over and will require much effort on her part first (and then mine) to ever build anything from the ashes.

You are right the old marriage is over whether the divorce goes through or not. She broke all the vows and promises she made and you were not responsible for that. The only thing you can do now is to become the best version of yourself and be the best possible dad for your child. Leave her to find herself. I am so sorry you are going through this. Continue to post here and listen to the advice given by the veterans.

[NewLife3]

It just feels strange to basically just sit back, let go, and say "oh well!" I think as a male a lot of times we feel that we have to fix things. Like I feel like I should write her a letter or something telling her I'm sorry for my part in the failure, etc. But I know the best action to take is nothing at all especially given the circumstances we are in now.

Just weird to see what I thought was a decent (not great) marriage with someone I was so close that I considered her my best friend go to a less than 2 minute exchange once a week in a retail parking lot with no interaction other than short, business-related items.

As a lot of our friends have said: it just all happened so fast. We were fine, great, getting along, etc. and then the next she was gone and no longer even looks or speaks to me.

I guess I just figured there would be more fighting towards the end. More hostility that would end up at the point that we both just said "Screw it.. We're done!" But reading MWD's articles I see that the way this played out is very common as well. I just don't know how I could ever trust another woman again.. Like what's even the point of getting married?

My life's motto has literally just become: "Oh well."

[rooskers]

As a lot of our friends have said: it just all happened so fast. We were fine, great, getting along, etc. and then the next she was gone and no longer even looks or speaks to me.

My XW told me the night before she left that she loved me and was looking forward to life together. The next day my wife never talked to me again about "us" other than she broke up with me a long time ago and was tired of faking it. Within two months we were divorced and have only seen each other in the exchanges with D13.

What took me some time to realize is that while it happened in a blink of an eye for us, our significant other had been separating from the relationship for a long time.

Like I feel like I should write her a letter or something telling her I'm sorry for my part in the failure, etc. I guess I just figured there would be more fighting towards the end.

My XW didn't start the hostility until after the divorce. Be prepared for everything in the entire world to be your fault. If it is anything like my situation you will be accused of horrible things. Any letters of apology, especially ones admitting to anything, will be used against you in a court of law.

I think as a male a lot of times we feel that we have to fix things.

I know for me that is one of my 180's. Although I was trying to make things better it was perceived as controlling instead of helping. In a way it is a form of control even if it is done with the best of intentions. It is not our job to fix the whole relationship or fix our partner. The only thing we can fix is our half of a relationship and the only way to do that is to improve our own self.

It just feels strange to basically just sit back, let go, and say "oh well!"

You are not just sitting back and letting go you are fighting for it by becoming the best possible you that you can. This is so important because it is literally the solution to what you should do whether she comes back or leaves forever. It is also the best solution for your child as well. In all cases you become a better person.

[LovingIt]

NewLife -

Your overall situation sounds like mine (or most others if remove the details, and get to the root of it)... and yeah, once you are woke to how marriages / relationships play out, you realize how naive / innocent you once were.

Don't beat yourself up too much. I've come to realize that even if I was 99% perfect, I might still be here.

Some people just get bored over time, focus on the negatives, and fantasize about other possibilities - taking what they have for granted. They are not aware of their own issues, and lack self control and boundaries. Once they fall into the trap, they are just victim to the cycle of brain chemistry / hormones.

Can you learn from you mistakes and be better? Yes.

Will you being better / perfect guarantee that it won't happen again? I'm inclined to say No, unless both people are very well educated in the dynamics of a human brain and MR, and able to self identify / regulate their feelings.

[NewLife3]

My W never seems to amaze me. Our exchange time is at 1 PM in a retail parking lot, today she messaged me at 10 AM (first I've heard from her since the last exchange last Sunday) telling me that they were taking pictures so we could meet at 3 PM instead for her to get him to me. I just said.. "Good deal. That'll work!"

When I meet up with her I wouldn't even say she was cold, she definitely wasn't cheerful like she was last week. She was downright depressed and looked like she was about to burst into tears. I tried to ask her some logistical items about child exchange/belongings she has left at the house and she just acts like it pains her to even answer. I just remained cheerful and upbeat.

On the way home I ask my S if he had fun taking pictures and who they were with. He tells me with the [AP], [AP's daughter], my W, and him in front of Christmas trees. How come all I can do is just laugh? Why do I feel like this is like watching a bad train wreck just get worse and worse. AFAIK the divorce hasn't even been filed with the courthouse and we don't even have a final date.

Crazy to be replaced on the Christmas card with your W's boyfriend!

[NewLife3]

You just never know how and when the stupidity will come.

My S4 has dental surgery in mid-December and it just so happens to fall on "her week" and I don't know the exact time and date so I texted her on Monday asking some other child-related items and she replied promptly. So then I asked when his dental surgery was and informed her I would like to be there since he is going under anesthesia. Never got a response from her.

A few days later, her mother texts me and informs me that she would be going with my W & S4 to the dental surgery so there is no need for me to go because my W thinks it would be too confusing to see both of us there at the same time. I replied back that I was his father and I wanted to be there in case something happens because of the anesthesia. That this is how co-parenting works and that I will forever be his father but cannot help that she no longer wants to be my W. I informed her that if it was too much for them, I would just handle it myself. She replied back "No, we can all just go".

The fact of the matter is he is on my insurance to begin with. I understand it is "her week" but the D has not even been filed as far as I know.. So we are still just as married as we were 6 months ago. Did I handle this correctly or incorrectly?

A few days later, my S4 starts talking about bed-time and he told me that he stayed at AP's house the other night with my W and actually slept in between both of them. I mean some people have told me they don't introduce new partners until so many months after the divorce is finalized and all of that, and my S4 is already sleeping in the bed with my W's AP. Man. If you had told me 4 months ago that this would be my life I would say "NO %#$@ing WAY!" (P.S.: I confirmed that he did indeed stay at AP's house because he carries an iPad with him between both of our houses and it was at AP's house from 11/16 11AM - 11/17 12PM.)

I mean -- I understand the whole detachment thing from your spouse, but how do you handle issues such as this?

[LH19]

You need to speak with your W and let her know that is absolutely unacceptable behavior.

[rooskers]

A few days later, her mother texts me and informs me that she would be going with my W & S4 to the dental surgery so there is no need for me to go because my W thinks it would be too confusing to see both of us there at the same time. I replied back that I was his father and I wanted to be there in case something happens because of the anesthesia. That this is how co-parenting works and that I will forever be his father but cannot help that she no longer wants to be my W. I informed her that if it was too much for them, I would just handle it myself. She replied back "No, we can all just go".

Personally I would not have gotten involved in any discussion with them after she didn't reply to your request. I would have contacted the place where S4 was getting the surgery and shown up to support S4. When I showed up I would concentrate on S4 and make sure there were no problems on my end.

A few days later, my S4 starts talking about bed-time and he told me that he stayed at AP's house the other night with my W and actually slept in between both of them.

This hurts like hell but there is nothing you can do about it. Yes it [censored]! You can speak to W about it but it will just make things worse and she would just deny it anyway. If you divorce you can try to get something in your divorce decree that your ex cannot have overnight visitors, or provisions around sleeping arrangements.

I mean some people have told me they don't introduce new partners until so many months after the divorce is finalized and all of that, and my S4 is already sleeping in the bed with my W's AP.

Most of the books and the therapist my D13 has says it would have been better to wait a full year before something like this. Once again you can't control who your wife has become only yourself. I find it curious because I bet if you had cheated on your W with another women, and then moved out to be with her, and had S4 start calling her mom, your W would go ballistic.

[NewLife3]

I find it curious because I bet if you had cheated on your W with another women, and then moved out to be with her, and had S4 start calling her mom, your W would go ballistic.

I think this is what drives me most crazy about this entire ordeal. A few years ago when she was pregnant she thought I was cheating and cursed me out and even had her whole family involved to come kill me.. Yet now she treats me like I'm just the dog crap under her shoe and just "too bad, so sad.. marriage is over" and even early on I tried to get her family involved because this guy is a known psycho and they just went monotone "Not getting involved in this. Not getting involved in this. Shes an adult." and have even allowed the AP over at their house numerous times even when S4 is there.

And we arent even divorced yet.

It's the most helpless feeling I think I have ever experienced in my life.