Just venting now. Co-parenting is impossible with this man! He cannot or will not communicate. I have no desire to be the dictator when it comes to S1 but he forces me into that position. Our son is a BABY and there is a minimum level of communication required between parents.
He has never once asked for information about S1 that might affect his time with him - how is he feeling, is he unwell, has he slept, does he need to eat etc. He also never volunteers information that I should reasonably know as the custodial parent - he tripped and scraped his knee today, he didn't nap well, he threw up after lunch etc. I share information with him as required - he needs to see a doctor, I'm taking him for a haircut, he needs milk for daycare etc.
It boggles the mind. Everyone has accepted the relationship is over, so let's move on and do the best thing for our child. What does he gain from making that process harder?
How hard would it have been for him to call me from the car once he realised he would be 15 minutes late this morning? Is there some pathological need to create conflict with me? I feel like I'm going crazy.
Just letting you know I really feel for you this morning, and what you're again going through with the father. I have some thoughts to share but am jammed right now so will come back to you soon, ok. PS you didnt do anything wrong!
Me: early 40's XW: nearly 50 T: 15 M: 5 BD: Jan 19 S:10 SS: 22 SD: 24
You did fine! You set an appropriate boundary ("if you are late I will take son to childcare").
Next time don't say anything, just be gone when he gets there. Actions speak louder than words. He saw you ready to leave today. Maybe he'll start to be more on time - if not, you just leave for daycare.
(Be sure to set your departure time to include time to drop son at daycare).
As for the co-parenting communication - set your expectations very low. You can set a good example, but I wouldn't expect much back from him right now. Just document everything, in case he decides later to save money by fighting for 50:50 custody. Some people here have used some software especially for divorced parents to communicate schedules and such - I have no experience with it but others here might advise you, it seems to have been a good way to keep communications neutral.
Do you think it's reached a stage where you contact your L and have your L write to H about ongoing arrangements for S pending the Orders - essentially if H wants a variation he goes through your L. That will take the pressure off you immensely.
Check out R2C's boundaries template, essentially-
When you XXXX I feel XXXX I want you to XXXX If you continue XXXXX I will XXXXX I appreicate you XXXXX
I see you have reservations about co parenting, and rightfully so. Make sure your L has spoken to you about sole and joint parental responsibility. Perhaps H needs PPP H, factored into the orders?
Documenting is good, but just bear in mind that if you just document, but don't 'do anything' about it at the time, it could be worthless longer term in the event of going to Court. Again, your L ought to be informed so as to advise you about what steps you can take with H to cement and address these ongoing issues.
Me: early 40's XW: nearly 50 T: 15 M: 5 BD: Jan 19 S:10 SS: 22 SD: 24
Do you think it's reached a stage where you contact your L and have your L write to H about ongoing arrangements for S pending the Orders - essentially if H wants a variation he goes through your L. That will take the pressure off you immensely.
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I see you have reservations about co parenting, and rightfully so. Make sure your L has spoken to you about sole and joint parental responsibility. Perhaps H needs PPP H, factored into the orders?
Documenting is good, but just bear in mind that if you just document, but don't 'do anything' about it at the time, it could be worthless longer term in the event of going to Court. Again, your L ought to be informed so as to advise you about what steps you can take with H to cement and address these ongoing issues.
I really don't know what to do, DS. He makes me feel like I'm not being cool, relaxed, chill enough if I mention the repeated late arrivals/dropoffs. It feels very serious to put it in writing through solicitors. My perspective may be warped, though. I was shaking after this morning's confrontation. I'm still terrified of being seen as rocking the boat.
I just did some reading on sole parental responsibility. I don't know if I have grounds to file for that, even though it would make things easier. It sounds like a complicated process. I'm hoping to stay out of court altogether. I will look into Triple P programs to see if that might help.
You did fine! You set an appropriate boundary ("if you are late I will take son to childcare").
Next time don't say anything, just be gone when he gets there. Actions speak louder than words. He saw you ready to leave today. Maybe he'll start to be more on time - if not, you just leave for daycare.
I feel guilty for getting angry For some reason whenever I break DB principles, I feel intense guilt. I am satisfied with the boundary I set, though, and will absolutely follow through if he tests me again.
I totally get those feelings. My view is that who on earth would be cool and relaxed when the other parent is late for changeover, with no warning, and you're struggling there wondering what's happening and looking at your watch wondering if you're going to be late for work. That's not you rocking the boat at all. That's boundary stuff. You're not rocking the boat - H is. The thing is, H is just rocking YOUR boat. He's in his boat, chugging along, splashing you with his wake, grabbing your bow and rocking it. I'm worried that this type of thing is making you shake. That's a horrible, horrible feeling. Do you do breathing exercises to bring that down? Make sure you have a go to girlfriend that you can vent with and talk about your feelings - nothing replaces a firend you can call 24/7/365 when the proverbial hits the fan with emotions.
How about typing up an email with your boundary for changeover? When I did my boundary email after the arm grab incident, I was worried about it. Never in my wildest dreams did I EVER, EVER think the person I married would put me through having to do an email like that. But, I took the step. I just had to. Here's what made it extra sh#$tty and a real slap for me - when my step kids were young, and she was battling her XH, it was me that stepped in and helped her with emails, communications etc with her XH, becuase she couldn't handle it. You can do this Scout. I've seen and known men like what you describe your H to be, and I have no kind words to say about this type of man, so wont say anything. Other vets have given their assessment too on your thread.
If your boundary email doesn't work, then your options are either continuing to put up with it, or get that L letter out. I dont see any other options.
I think you need to have a discussion with your L too about parental responsibility, as your parenting Consent orders will have some clauses in there about its allocation. Or am I misunderstood and you just have property orders?
Keep your chin up Scout! Cheers DS
Me: early 40's XW: nearly 50 T: 15 M: 5 BD: Jan 19 S:10 SS: 22 SD: 24
Be gentle on yourself. You did fine with the boundary and your conversation with H.
Ensure the boundary is established and keep it. If you are not here by xx:xx then I’m taking son to daycare.
You don’t need to explain it. You don’t need to defend it. Actions speak louder than words.
It’s ok that you got angry. H was late and you had to get to the train. Not much time for his tardiness.
To help in not getting angry, schedule the exchange time maybe a few minutes earlier. If he is late, you’ve got time to go to daycare. However, I think what really bugged you was his lack of communication or caring about other’s schedules.
Expectations dear girl. Expectations.
In this situation, of course expectations are reasonable - but H is not reasonable. Keep expectations low and have a backup plan when dealing with him. For everything. MLCer’s minds are like Swiss cheese, they run late, can’t remember what you tell them, and the concept of a schedule is like a forgiven language suddenly - especially with their secretive and private lives.
Please let go of your feelings of guilt. DB principles are very good and not needed to be absolute. Besides it is possible that H was purposefully being late to get a rise out of you. Hmmmmm. And they do know what buttons to push. I suspect that when looking at this in that possible light you may not feel quite so guilty. Rationalizing helps detach your emotional responses from H’s actions and behaviours.
Learn from this and keep moving forward. You’re doing fine.
DnJ
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
You're not rocking the boat - H is. The thing is, H is just rocking YOUR boat. He's in his boat, chugging along, splashing you with his wake, grabbing your bow and rocking it. I'm worried that this type of thing is making you shake. That's a horrible, horrible feeling. Do you do breathing exercises to bring that down? Make sure you have a go to girlfriend that you can vent with and talk about your feelings - nothing replaces a firend you can call 24/7/365 when the proverbial hits the fan with emotions.
Thanks for putting it this way, DS, it really helps. I called my mum on the way to work and my stepdad jumped on the phone to reassure me that I did nothing wrong. In this way, I was able to talk it through and calm down. I'm nervous about changeover this afternoon, so I will need to practice some breathing exercises in advance of that.
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How about typing up an email with your boundary for changeover? When I did my boundary email after the arm grab incident, I was worried about it. Never in my wildest dreams did I EVER, EVER think the person I married would put me through having to do an email like that. But, I took the step. I just had to. Here's what made it extra sh#$tty and a real slap for me - when my step kids were young, and she was battling her XH, it was me that stepped in and helped her with emails, communications etc with her XH, becuase she couldn't handle it. You can do this Scout. I've seen and known men like what you describe your H to be, and I have no kind words to say about this type of man, so wont say anything. Other vets have given their assessment too on your thread.
I think I will do the email. I read about the arm grab incident and think you handled it very well in the aftermath, and your XW responded nicely. I have no illusions about what H's response would be, if he deigned to give me one.
I'm still interested in what you might think about H - seeing it in black and white helps with my detachment.
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I think you need to have a discussion with your L too about parental responsibility, as your parenting Consent orders will have some clauses in there about its allocation. Or am I misunderstood and you just have property orders
I have a parenting plan which I understand is different to parenting orders. My solicitor suggested a non-binding plan due to S1's age and need for flexibility until he reaches school age. I hope this is the right choice.
Thank you so much for your continued advice, it helps so much.
I think what really bugged you was his lack of communication or caring about other’s schedules.
Expectations dear girl. Expectations.
You are right, DnJ. It's the lack of respect and consideration, as well. The way he brushed past me and totally ignored me when he entered my home with no recognition of what he had done or the impact on me or S1. Sigh. Is it too much to expect basic decency from MLCers?
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It is possible that H was purposefully being late to get a rise out of you. Hmmmmm. And they do know what buttons to push. I suspect that when looking at this in that possible light you may not feel quite so guilty.
As I mentioned, he is routinely late. The first few times he would message or call in advance and I'd say thanks for letting me know. Sometimes he would say he slept in, there was traffic, or even "I have no excuse". It happened so frequently I didn't bother to address it, and he stopped letting me know, or apologising when he eventually arrived. I should have set stronger boundaries at the beginning, but I was worried about being seen as uptight or controlling over 5-10 minutes of tardiness. Double sigh.
For some reason whenever I break DB principles, I feel intense guilt. I am satisfied with the boundary I set, though, and will absolutely follow through if he tests me again.
