I’m so frustrated at myself for missing what I miss. And I guess you all can guess what that is. It makes me really sad. That I miss him/them even thought I know I wasn’t loved properly. My coworker and I were talking about him ( she met him when his mom was here because his mom was on her floor) and she felt so sad it ended. She also said that out of all her single friends, im one of the few who really should be with a wonderful guy and any guy would be lucky to have me. But none of the guys I date feel that way, lol. Or they do, and just can’t meet the standard
I’m other news, I began to read “intuitive eating” and it’s been such an eye opener. I’m at my all time highest weight yet I’m always trying to diet and instead I’m gaining weight. And that’s where I’ve gone wrong. Trying to diet. I eat like it’s my last meal all the forbidden foods and gain weight just doing that. So I’m working on changing my relationship with food. It’s been a crutch for depression, loneliness, and boredom. Then there is all this guilt around it. And I beat myself up.
Food is fuel, and food is enjoyable. I don’t want to make it something naughty or bad or restrictive and anything else in my life tied to guilt.
One time in my life where I lost weight unintentionally was when I was working a very stressful job on the road. And it was probably the one time in my life where I wasn’t caring about what I ate. I ate to survive and to fuel. And it wasn’t on the forefront of my mind. I’m trying to get back there. Not that stressed, but I had a better relationship with food.
I want to be healthy, happy, comfortable, and guilt free. I want to still enjoy food as I do, but I don’t even enjoy it with the weight and guilt attached to it.
Kind of an internal cleansing I’m trying to go through. Living freely and guilt free I guess
I’m so frustrated at myself for missing what I miss. And I guess you all can guess what that is. It makes me really sad. That I miss him/them even thought I know I wasn’t loved properly. My coworker and I were talking about him ( she met him when his mom was here because his mom was on her floor) and she felt so sad it ended. She also said that out of all her single friends, im one of the few who really should be with a wonderful guy and any guy would be lucky to have me. But none of the guys I date feel that way, lol. Or they do, and just can’t meet the standard
I’m other news, I began to read “intuitive eating” and it’s been such an eye opener. I’m at my all time highest weight yet I’m always trying to diet and instead I’m gaining weight. And that’s where I’ve gone wrong. Trying to diet. I eat like it’s my last meal all the forbidden foods and gain weight just doing that. So I’m working on changing my relationship with food. It’s been a crutch for depression, loneliness, and boredom. Then there is all this guilt around it. And I beat myself up.
Food is fuel, and food is enjoyable. I don’t want to make it something naughty or bad or restrictive and anything else in my life tied to guilt.
One time in my life where I lost weight unintentionally was when I was working a very stressful job on the road. And it was probably the one time in my life where I wasn’t caring about what I ate. I ate to survive and to fuel. And it wasn’t on the forefront of my mind. I’m trying to get back there. Not that stressed, but I had a better relationship with food.
I want to be healthy, happy, comfortable, and guilt free. I want to still enjoy food as I do, but I don’t even enjoy it with the weight and guilt attached to it.
Kind of an internal cleansing I’m trying to go through. Living freely and guilt free I guess
You miss the fantasy, not the reality of what you had. And that's ok - it's ok to still want that kind of relatiosnhip, just remember that he was a poor stand-in for what you really want.
Have you done anything yet towards making new single girlfriends that you can hang out with?
I guess I do miss the fantasy. But there was a portion of it that was really good. I miss that. And after a year, I guess that person just becomes a part of your life and quitting it cold turkey is rough. I’ll always care about him and wonder about him. And especially his son of course.
I have not tried to make any single women girlfriends. They are about as hard to find as a good guy to date. And they don’t give me the physical touch and intimacy I miss and crave, lol. Also, I’m in such a weird place. The newly divorced are like girls gone wild and the never married ones live a different life than I do. But I do have some coworkers looking out for someone to hook me up with. Not by me asking them to do, but by them wanting to do so.
However, I have a work holiday event every week until Christmas. I had a social work event last week and had a really fun time with my coworkers. I enjoy spending social time with them and I’m glad I’ve got something to do with them when my daughter goes to her dads. So, it’s a step in the right direction. I went to my friends for her birthday Saturday night with my daughter , but she wasn’t feeling well so we couldn’t stay too long. But I am not totally holed up in my home. It’s the nights. The nights kill me. But when it’s time, it’s time
Work was insane. I can’t even begin to tell you how hard I work each day. And I’m good with it. Except when I work pst my paid hours. Then I get cranky. We all do.
I left today to go to parent teacher conference. The perk of my job is her school is 5 min away from work. I saw her main subject teachers. And wow. Just wow. They love her. They think she is always engaged, is interested, tries really hard and is so focused. d12 loves her math teacher and her math teacher loves her. She said she’s seen such a change in her where she is focused, it freaking out and doing well. She pulled an A out at the end. Every teacher says she is a pleasure in class.
But the biggest proudest moment....
They all said she is such a happy kid and full of life. And let me tell you, as a parent of a child from a “broken” home... that is just about the best thing you can hear. The fear is your kid is going to suffer from divorce and it’s going to affect them awfully. I made it my life’s mission since she was an infant and this happened to make sure she was a happy kid.
And she is. Did the divorce affect her? Of course it did! Is this situation as it is better than if her parents were still together and nothing ever got fixed? OMG yes! But if you always put your kids first and make sure they are well-adjusted, it will happen!
I have a daughter who is super smart, passionate, strong and happy. May she test me and my patience daily, I couldn’t ask for anymore from her. I’m so freakin proud of the lovely lady she has become.
I’m other news, she did stay home from school today because it’s a half day and she’s so congested and uncomfortable. My dad came to spend some time with her and go shopping with her. He also brought up my Christmas tree so we can decorate it on Friday and him and I went out to dinner together because she went to dads house for his wife’s birthday. And that went well and we had a nice dinner and convo.
Tonight wasn’t their night but she wanted to spend it with every one for her stepmothers birthday. So I said she could go. And of course I wished her a happy birthday.
My ex and his wife have been making an unwanted entrance into my dreams. I’m a bit freaked by their desire to hang out with me and also be one happy family. It’s reflecting in my nightmares. In last nights me and my ex were reconciling and having this wonderful relationship. And then all of a sudden his wife’s parents fell ill and he just dropped me like a hot potato again and was nasty. I haven’t had a dream like that in a long time. And what freaked me out the most was me realizing I was again plan B.
And I will never, ever be plan B again.
I’m feeling that possibly in the new year I’d be ready to date again. It’s going to be difficult. There is a lot I won’t tolerate any more. But I so miss having a relationship. I want it again, and in a healthy way. I look forward to a healthy , happy loving relationship again.
I’ve also been doing really well with intuitive eating. Recognizing what’s worth it, when I’m full, and when I’m eating out of boredom or loneliness.
Everything in life I’m learning is a marathon, not a sprint
Wow, Ginger, now that is a HUGE win for you! Perhaps the most important win you can hope for in your life. I can't tell you how many woman put dating on hold until the kids are grown or at least deep into high school. There is nothing wrong with that - though I'm not saying you should do it either. You very likely still have half your life to go and I know it's not happened for you yet, it will. The law of averages just are hard to argue with - not finding someone in the next 25 years? Really? Not likely. But back to your D, it's great to hear how happy you are about it as you should be. Give yourself the credit you are due. It's likely not your Ex that is responsible for how she is turning out - it's you.
There are many other things you can continue to be proud of and I just hope you'll focus more on those rather on what you are longing for. Easier said than done, I agree, still it's going to be healthier and happier for you if you do.
As for the dreams, ugg..... I still get them occasionally too - although mine are different. I don't even know why I'd dream about my ex as I never think of her when I'm awake and have seen her once in the last 5 plus years, heck it might be closer to 10 years! However, my dreams are more that she comes back and for whatever reason I take her back and then totally regret it and feel like I'm trapped and can't get out and I go on dreaming OMG how did I let this happen? - I don't want this!!! LOL Hmmmmmmm perhaps it relates to my awake life? LOL
Anyhow, just wanted to give you congrats on being such a great mom.
Oh, BTW, KML asked if you had made any moves on meeting more single friends and doing things with them? Well....?
DonH Midwest Me 56 WAW-EXW 55 Met 11/95 / Married 5/00 Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06 4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
Thank you, don! My biggest fear is actually not ending up alone..... it was always “is my kid going to thrive and turn out ok?” And to see she is doing so well puts me at peace. Nothing would mean anything in this world if my child wasn’t thriving . I put her first all my life. Another partner was never my priority. She always was
Maybe just maybe one day I’ll find a great guy. And I’ll have it all!
I have not made any single girlfriends. It’s easier to find a boyfriend. I have a full social calendar with work events which has been out of fun so far. I love my coworkers and we have fun together. They are all my seniors by at least 20 years and mostly married, but I enjoy their company. One is in her 50’d and single. She’s got a date like every weekend! I should hang out with her more.
My friend came over after my workout tonight and did my hair with her new fancy hair tool. She asked me if I heard from that last guy, which I hadn’t. Like 10 min after she left I got a text from him telling me he hopes I am well and wished me a very happy thanksgiving. Why? I do not know. I simply replied that I am very well, I hoped he was too and wished him and his family a happy thanksgiving. It was weird too, because in my class tonight there was a guy who looked just like him and It was kind of the first time I thought about him. This guy unfortunately was married, I looked for the ring, lol.
In January I’m going to get back online . Maybe I’m a masochist, but maybe I’ll get lucky
I think it's great that your daughter is doing well! That's really what it's all about. As a parent you can take anything thrown at you as long as your children are ok.
To Don's point I went out on a couple dates last week with a woman who waited 14 years after D to start dating again.
I've mentioned a few times that my best friend hasn't dated in 15 years and he is one of the happiest people I know. He focuses on his career, kids and hobbies. I asked him about it the other day and he said I have had two relationships and neither of them was very fun for me lol.
I know OLD can be rough but it really is the best way to go out on dates. I had my first flat out no show on Sunday. No text, no I'm sorry, radio silence.
As for the other guy my guess is it was a temp check and you will be hearing from him again soon.
Hey, LH! Thanks! The kiddo was the one thing i did right, no doubt.
I couldn’t imagine being totally single for that long, this woman has gots needs! But my short hiatus is needed right now. And there really is no other way than OLD. I hope to have the same success as others have had, eventually.
Actually, at work this morning I saw my friend who was my rehab aide when I was getting my PT. I became friendly with his and my PT who is his girlfriend and they are now my coworkers. Anyways, some know I had a crush on him, but he is inappropriately young. But he is such an incredibly good guy. And adorable. Anyways, I had mentioned she got into the city fire department ( the inner city, career, not volunteer FD) my ex- the FF is for the same city. Anyways, he still works here per diem so we were having a convo about him going out with his new buddies in the academy. I told him to never forget me and hook me up if he had an available FF buddy! Seriously though, if I was 10 years younger...... this guy is like the perfect dude. But he is very happy with his girlfriend who is amazing.
I’m pretty sure online guy was temp checking to see if I was still available for sometime in the future when he gets his crap together. He shouldn’t hold his breath.
I’ve though about texting thanksgiving wishes to M.
But I know the wise choice is not to. Although I think about his family often.
Almost done with work here. It’s been a crazy day. The food wasn’t all that good either.
