22 Years Gone Part 2

[kas99]

#3 is about belonging. I have that at work. I work some really great people and for reasons I don’t understand they love me. I’m also in a support group and they love me too. Do you have anything like this?

[rooskers]

Just got this text from my step-dad.

Was it cranial-rectal inversion or did you just choose not to acknowledge Mom's 70th birthday?

Yes, I completely forgot it was my mom's birthday because D13 was not able to talk after visit with her mother and I was completely distracted. D13 has a crisis plan for suicide and I was extremely concerned. My parents have not visited me once this entire time and my mom has called me zero times on her own. Step-dad has called me zero times and his only advice at the very beginning of this was "oh well, move on." I believe all together for the past 13 years they have visited me only 4 times and they live fairly close.

[DS9]

Just got this text from my step-dad.

I'm just gobsmacked at your SD's attitude mate. Sounds like the time to purge the toxics from your life mate.

D13 has a crisis plan for suicide and I was extremely concerned.

Oh geez Roo, this is tough. I'm so sorry man. I'm sending your D my thoughts and best wishes and will have her in my prayers tonight (and you too mate). How are you coping?

Stay strong Roo!

[rooskers]

Last night I let my parents know that I will not be going over to their house for Thanksgiving. It was a very difficult decision but I am trying my best to keep it together for D13. The continued lack of support and texts from both of them are becoming too much while also trying to deal with the emails from my XW. I need to be strong for D13 and so for at least a little while I will be cutting my parents out of the picture.

D13 and I will be going over to a friends house for Thanksgiving and D13 is fine with that decision because I included her in on it. She likes to be involved because she feels like she has very little choices in her life right now. Both of us are excited to decorate for Christmas and I even planned a trip in the mountains to cut our own tree.

[DS9]

It sounds like you're still doing all the right things Roo. The tree cutting sounds awesome! The only cutting I'll be doing for our tree is cutting the box open and smelling the plastic from the fake tree I'm yet to buy!

[rooskers]

D13 had a therapy visit yesterday and the first 10 minutes of it was with her mom. D13's therapist met with her mom the hour before D13's appointment. I sent the therapist a couple of emails XW has been sending me about D13 so she could address some of the problems. The therapist told XW point blank that she needs to stop all the harassing, accusatory, blaming emails to me at once. The therapist said your relationship difficulties with D13 are a direct result of your actions and have nothing to do with your XH. Your daughter needs space and time and you are giving her neither. Your daughter needs to decide if she wants reconciliation with you and you need to accept that if she does choose that it will be on her timeline not yours. You also need to accept you walked out on her life and just because you want back in doesn't mean she does and you need to accept that as well. If you have issues with your XH (me) then you need to address these issues with him and leave D13 out of it and not use her to hurt him. Last but not least, you paint yourself as a victim, but you need to accept the fact that you are the one who left D13, and you are the one based on your actions over the lifetime of D13 that has caused this distancing between you and her not your XH. This is what D13's therapist told me the rest she said was confidential but I was appreciative in all that she said.

We then got there and D13 had her 10-15 minutes where she proceeded to lay into her mom about all the lies she has been telling over the last 2 years. D13's therapist often interrupted D13 to look at her mom and comment "that isn't what you told me in our session alone together" and another lie would be exposed. XW denied saying lot of stuff and D13 would then just pull up some of the emails (therapist also had some of the emails) and read them and XW would then get really angry. By the end of it D13 said her mom would glare at her like fire was coming from her eyes. D13 looked right back into her eyes and said "I am not afraid! You will regret the day you try to hurt me or my dad again!" I was in the waiting room so all I saw was XW open the door and storm away full of anger. D13 told me after what happened.

All I know is it hurt to know XW continues to destroy a possible relationship with D13. After the therapy session D13 said "Dad, I am close to getting my own lawyer to cease all contact with mom." I replied "Time D13, give it time."

Thank you DS9. We have a fake Christmas tree that we really liked but it is too difficult since we used the same one since D13 was born. So to start new traditions we are going to cut our own this year. I will hop over to your sitch to see how things are going on your end.

[kas99]

All I know is it hurt to know XW continues to destroy a possible relationship with D13. After the therapy session D13 said "Dad, I am close to getting my own lawyer to cease all contact with mom." I replied "Time D13, give it time."

rooskers I'm on your DD's side.

[rooskers]

D13 got back from her visitation on Saturday and I had the Christmas lights put up and all the outside decorations done. I was so excited when she stepped out of the car I couldn't help it. She got her stuff and ran up to me almost in tears she was so happy to be home and my heart sang for joy.

Today D13 was able to go to her friends birthday party. I believe it is important for me to encourage D13 to keep a social life so I was really glad she decided to go. When she was first invited she told me she didn't really want to go because Birthdays tend to be a trigger for her.

After the birthday party I took her to the Gingerbread Jubilee, which is a competition for gingerbread houses to raise money for a local performance arts theater. We saw a lot of amazing designs and both of us are thinking about entering the competition next year.

We are both continuing to move forward. She said her visit with her mother went well. For the time being she is treating it like a business or roommate relationship. The only thing that bothered me a little is her mom is going on an all liquid diet because of her upcoming surgery and so didn't feed D13 all Saturday. I guess if XW doesn't have to eat she doesn't feel the need to feed her child. That wasn't too bad though because when D13 got home we cooked a wonderful dinner together and had an even better breakfast this morning.

[AnotherStander]

Wow Rooskers, I just want to stand up and applaud D13's therapist! Not sure how much impact it had on XW but it's ABOUT TIME someone impartial put her in her place. I'm so glad that she is supporting your D's choices and letting her know that her actions and feelings are valid and not trying to convince her that she should force a recon. Really great to hear. And good for you for continuing to be the lighthouse for your daughter, I really love that you had all the decorations ready when she got home, you are an awesome dad! Keep it up!

[DS9]

Hey Roo

So glad to hear the positivity and enthusiasm from your last post! Glad to hear your daughter seems happy too. I just got our tree and lights etc and S and I will put it up together this weekend. I've been leaving little welcome home notes at the door when S comes back to mt house and he loves finding them. Maybe try this with your D? Sometimes there'll be his fave chocolate with the note too.

With the food thing, maybe pack D a little snack box with some small but nourishing items when she visits her mum.

Cheers, DS