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DaB35 Offline OP
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Can't help but think that if my W had just waited it out, we'd be ok. Six months after BD and I'm the best version of me there is, my therapy is wrapping up, I've got much better self-esteem and no longer feel depressed about things, yet I can't show that to her as she's in her castle.

I don't want to come across as a victim here. I wronged the woman I love. I lied to her, and kept things from her. I looked her in the eyes and promised I'd do better, but then I just didn't. That was one element of my NGS - doing the same things over and over to try and get different results (similar to the cheeseless tunnels analogy in the DR book), and then getting frustrated when nothing changed.

She felt I was 'not ready for M' or 'wasn't mature enough'.

She was ill in 2018 when I began messaging these two women online. She was distraught and completely hysterical when she found out this year. I regret it all, and have complete remorse for it. She felt humiliated, understandably.

She was constantly telling me that I had 'settled' for her. We never really communicated about this unless things were bad. I've realised her love language is actually words of affirmation + physical touch. Mine was quality time. But I would express my love to her with gifts - because her reaction was so positive, I kept doing it.

One thing that frustrated me was that when things were going a bit better in June, we were working on the garden together and I was very content and happy. She then moaned when we got in. "See, you are not saying anything again. You've fallen back into your old ways." This, despite me not having said anything for only roughly under ten minutes. Her impatience was staggering! I now realise that I should have validated; instead I just said, "I was just happy. I didn't feel the need to say anything more."

She is very nervous and anxious and must fill silence; she cannot bear people being in a room not talking to one another, she hates gaps in conversation and must talk to fill them.

I feel sad that she told everyone we know where we live what I did (with varying detail), and has then simply gone NC on me unless necessary. I just think if she simply told a close mutual friend, my sister, and perhaps my parents, we could be sorting everything out now and be on the way to piecing and R.

I fear that because she is so stubborn and impulsive, she feels she has gone so far down the D road, she won't (can't) change her mind, and also with enablers telling her she's "doing the right thing" and feeding her this constantly, she'll not want to displease them by changing her mind suddenly. I know that I cannot change her mind. She must choose R, I get that.

I suppose I'm just saying I don't want to be made out to be the poor LBH, full stop. I admit I was a WH, even though I was not involved with a PA or was physically unfaithful at all (I have a lie detector result to prove that). Then she became a WAW - within 24 hours of discovery!

What do others think? I've explained what I did in my earlier threads in detail, so it's known here. I am hoping that I'm coming across as someone who is repentant, has taken on board advice here and from IC, turned things around, and improved myself. I know W doesn't want to be near me at all right now (well actually I don't, I think she's just in the "acceptance" stage of grief and is seemingly just coasting along as nobody is telling me how she is and I'm not asking her or anyone at present).

I do know that what I've achieved in the last few months has been massively positive. I know this means I haven't dropped the rope yet. I find it hard to be a lighthouse for W when we don't live with each other and are not in regular contact anymore.

Is there anything else I should be doing as part of my DBing process? Or am I doing enough for the time being?


Last edited by DaB35; 11/20/19 10:45 AM.

Me - 36, W - 32
No kids
T - 8 yr, M - 3 yr
Discovery - 14 May 2019
S - 25 May 2019 & D bomb - 29 July 2019
D & House sale final - Feb 2020
Joined: Sep 2019
Posts: 242
J
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No advice really just empathy D.
Days like today I'm overwhelmed with regrets for my failings, I also feel my wife just got to the point where her enablers voices got stronger and stronger, grass looked greener and greener and I could be seen as nothing positive and a burden.
I also recognise that she is too far down the road, she would lose face with her new friends ( enablers)
She actually mentioned after having a good family day and sharing wine, her new friend came over.
Next day she was like "it's all too confusing, what will my friends think?"
So I feel stuck in this stage of her wanting nothing to do with me.

Like I said no advice to give man, just feeling where you are.


Bd August 2019 after 16years
S 12
D 6
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DaB35 Offline OP
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Hi J, thanks for the support.

Yes I agree - I feel she's been swayed, but then I remember another seasoned DBer here saying that the WAS wants the enablers to reinforce their thinking, rather than the enablers themselves telling the WAS their own opinions. They just get into that mindset of "Oh yeah, you're right. I AM better off without him!" and then won't stop and take time out to think.


Me - 36, W - 32
No kids
T - 8 yr, M - 3 yr
Discovery - 14 May 2019
S - 25 May 2019 & D bomb - 29 July 2019
D & House sale final - Feb 2020
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 8,152
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Originally Posted by DaB35
I'll be reasonable in filling it in then. Should I give it to her to pass to L? Or as I contacted them after she had looked into it, should I just send it to them?


It sounds like the two of you are settling things amicably (at least, so far) so I would give it to her and ask her to review it, fill in the missing blanks and that you're available to discuss it if needed. Try and get as much ironed out as possible before turning it over to the L, it'll be easier and cheaper that way. That's what my XW and I did, we went back and forth multiple times before officially filing it.

Quote
- Just got back from the gym. Upped my abs machine weights to 42.5kg now and the leg press is up to 60kg. Not expecting miracles in two months but will just keep going!
- Made 350 selling some old instruments and sheet music on ebay smile
- Working on new sideline projects including investigating self publishing some of my works

I tell myself sometimes - her loss!


Excellent! And yes, it is smile


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
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DaB35 Offline OP
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Hi AS

Yes amicable for the moment certainly. No arguments at all.
Absolutely right - I'll just say I'm availabel to discuss by email if needed.

What a shame she's missing on this new me - I have to keep reminding myself that she only has ot turn back and see a strong confident man who's getting his life in order, and she'll think "oh." I'm not working towards that, I'm just working towards improving myself as much as I can and then keep going so it becomes second nature to be more confident, less Beta, and be someone who is able to communicate better.


Me - 36, W - 32
No kids
T - 8 yr, M - 3 yr
Discovery - 14 May 2019
S - 25 May 2019 & D bomb - 29 July 2019
D & House sale final - Feb 2020
Joined: Jul 2019
Posts: 473
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Originally Posted by DaB35


Is there anything else I should be doing as part of my DBing process? Or am I doing enough for the time being?



Patience and time. You need to have this. You're under 6 months into your sitch Dan. The vets here say you need to allow at least a year to two years if they're going to turn around.

I read somewhere that to rebuild trust, it takes consistency, reliability and time.

I think you're doing great otherwise Dan. Keep up the clean living and the clean mind, and keep smashing those castanets!


Me: early 40's
XW: nearly 50
T: 15
M: 5
BD: Jan 19
S:10 SS: 22 SD: 24
Joined: Aug 2019
Posts: 536
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DaB35 Offline OP
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Thanks DS.

I've re-read the court order form, and it advises that the decree absolute should NOT be applied for (only W can apply for it as she started the D) until the finance order is in place, and that takes 1-3 months. So it'll still take time.

I did all my bits in about half an hour. I just need to confirm a savings account balance (I don't log in to it very often so had forgotten my online details, now I have to wait for something from them in the post), and also update my credit card balance after I've paid a bit off when I get paid on Friday this week, then I'm done.

It's quite an easy form. However I think W may struggle and I suspect she'll need to ask for help for it (not necessarily from me).


I feel that I've got the consistency thing sorted; I've made positive steps and stuck at them and now they feel second nature.

Reliability, well I feel I'm being reliable to myself and certainly at work and to family, so that should be good.

Time - indeed! I'm usually very patient, so I just have to keep going I guess. I am enjoying my picnic I must say...


Me - 36, W - 32
No kids
T - 8 yr, M - 3 yr
Discovery - 14 May 2019
S - 25 May 2019 & D bomb - 29 July 2019
D & House sale final - Feb 2020
Joined: Aug 2019
Posts: 536
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DaB35 Offline OP
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At that time of year when my parents begin thinking about sending out Xmas cards. Mum was worrying about whether to send W's parents a card. I said she should and just act normally. She was also wondering whether she should send W a card too.

Also, I think if she does send W's parents a card, W's mum will call my mum soon after probably, out of politeness.
If W's mum asks my mum about me, should I tell her to say I'm doing well, gym-ing, therapy's gone brilliantly, etc. How much is too much detail to go in to? Or just say "He's fine," and leave it at that?

Should I give W an Xmas present (nothing ostentatious at all) and/or card?

Thoughts anyone?


Me - 36, W - 32
No kids
T - 8 yr, M - 3 yr
Discovery - 14 May 2019
S - 25 May 2019 & D bomb - 29 July 2019
D & House sale final - Feb 2020
Joined: Jul 2019
Posts: 473
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If W's mum asks, then "Dan's fine" is all that's needed. DB principles apply to family as well.

I wouldnt buy W a present. A cordial text at xmas is enough I reckon.


Me: early 40's
XW: nearly 50
T: 15
M: 5
BD: Jan 19
S:10 SS: 22 SD: 24
Joined: Aug 2019
Posts: 536
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DaB35 Offline OP
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Hi DS

Right - so nothing more than "He's fine." Anything more if W's mum presses my mum for any further info?

OK - so I assume buying W a present counts as pursuit, even though I have not done any pursuing for months?


Last edited by DaB35; 11/22/19 08:58 AM.

Me - 36, W - 32
No kids
T - 8 yr, M - 3 yr
Discovery - 14 May 2019
S - 25 May 2019 & D bomb - 29 July 2019
D & House sale final - Feb 2020
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