You can see the pressure and confusion within him.
You are correct give him space. Remember no pressure (he’s got enough), he will bolt. Dig deep girl, find patience. You are going to have to let him lead things/conversations for a while - if and when he wants to. (You still don’t be a doormat )
People have to hit rock bottom to want to change. Let him hit it, compassionately. Don’t blame or judge.
Keep working on yourself and moving forward. There is a long way to go, become a beacon he wants to follow.
DnJ
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Thanks DnJ. I definitely see he's hurting. I do hope he opens up more, for himself, to begin healing, however long that takes. I am standing by. A Lighthouse for my captain. Whether it's me he talks to or someone else, he's holding onto a lot.
I've told him I'm here to listen. Yes, we are still married, but I need to be just a friend. No judgment. He needs to trust me. When the 1st BD came, I was able to listen. Felt like I was a counselor of sorts. Just listening, nodding my head, validating his words. Yes, I did stray from the conversation, but reeled myself back to JUST LISTEN.
He's driving without a map, and I'm along for the ride. Buckle up!
~Never Give Up ~ 2019 Mar BD June BD Dec Aow/xgf 2020 Jan he wants D Feb he flys2 ow Mar returns stuck here C19 Lckdwn Apr he leaves for work until Nov Oct D FINAL 2020 Living MY Happiest Life Ever
Im so glad you reached our and he responded- Now you have a little more information
He seemed reflective which is good because he sees he is the problem But- please keep your expectations low- we don't know what kind of trouble he has got himself in-or how long this ride may be IT is important for you to start your healing process..this will also help with any future R therapy/support highly suggested
Feel the relief and know his crises was never about you- although some changes will have to be made to move forward with him if thats an option..even as friends for now maybe the lines of communication can be open and in some way you can support him on his journey if he allows but allow for space now--
if too much time passes, you can reach out with a caring message with no pressure around the r
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
So happy to see this. Like Peace says, though, take it slowly and keep expectations low. I'm sure you feel some well deserved relief, and it sounds promising. Good luck to you!
Thank you for sharing this. I am sending out positive vibes for you both of you. I sincerely hope things keep progressing positively for you.
AT
AT(Remo?) , thank you for the positive vibes. We all need them. Right back at you.
~Never Give Up ~ 2019 Mar BD June BD Dec Aow/xgf 2020 Jan he wants D Feb he flys2 ow Mar returns stuck here C19 Lckdwn Apr he leaves for work until Nov Oct D FINAL 2020 Living MY Happiest Life Ever
~Never Give Up ~ 2019 Mar BD June BD Dec Aow/xgf 2020 Jan he wants D Feb he flys2 ow Mar returns stuck here C19 Lckdwn Apr he leaves for work until Nov Oct D FINAL 2020 Living MY Happiest Life Ever
I wanted to say more, but I know that was sufficient. If he wants to share that information with anyone else that's up to him. However, if family asks... I'm not sure if I should share? I guess it doesn't matter. He didn't ask me to keep it a secret.
I don't know what his plans are after he is done work. He's a 5hr plane ride away. My heart is beating fast, in a good way. I know he's sorry, lost, hurting. In order for me to make things easier on myself, in my mind, I am acting as if he's my brother with an addiction. That makes the detachment easier. No expectations.
WOW. As I'm typing this, he asked, "Can I come home? Do you want me to come home?"
WOW.
Yes. And yes. If that's what you want.
~Never Give Up ~ 2019 Mar BD June BD Dec Aow/xgf 2020 Jan he wants D Feb he flys2 ow Mar returns stuck here C19 Lckdwn Apr he leaves for work until Nov Oct D FINAL 2020 Living MY Happiest Life Ever
Me: Yes, of course, it's your home too. D3 misses you.
H: Omg. H: Thank you.
Me: Can I share with family? H: yes.
Me: ..(sent photo of D3..messy face) H: Beautiful messy face.
WOW. Ah....thank you DB community. If I'm absent for awhile, it's all good. (Cleaning house!) Will certainly update asap during the early stages of this MLChallenge.
Last edited by CanBird; 11/20/1904:05 AM.
~Never Give Up ~ 2019 Mar BD June BD Dec Aow/xgf 2020 Jan he wants D Feb he flys2 ow Mar returns stuck here C19 Lckdwn Apr he leaves for work until Nov Oct D FINAL 2020 Living MY Happiest Life Ever
Great news CanBird!!! Just a word of caution... In 2014, first BD, my H left home for a month after five months of trying to “find himself”. I was so relieved when he wanted to come back home that I just let him with no questions asked. In the ensuing couple of months, whenever I asked my H what happened, he would just say he couldn’t really remember and it was all very foggy about what he went through and didn’t even feel like it was him. He was grateful to be back, “in love” with me again and just wanted to move forward. I was so relieved, I just let him. Two months later he got Shingles and started his double life that lasted four years until he was found out. In hindsight, if I could do it all over, I would not have let him come back home so easily. I may have let him move back but it would have been with conditions...marital therapy, date nights, more time spent together and with our kids. If I hadn’t just let him walk back in with no expectations, I really feel like maybe we could have avoided BD #2. Anyway... I don’t want to rain on your parade... I just want you to be careful and not set yourself up for further disappointment down the road. Best of luck. We’re all rooting for you!!!
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