Based on the stories I knew eventually I’d have to file only because he wouldn’t. I assumed by the time that happened I’d be further out. Never thought I’d be pushing for D within 8 months
I keep thinking he would file once he moved and got the bills paid off. No?
The mornings are the worst. I can go to bed fine and I wake up imagining how happy he is. How like CW says he will be grateful that I'm doing all the legwork for him. How he's DONE he's just not in any hurry to finalize it. WAH doesn't like paperwork and I have all the financial records.
I know I sound pathetic (please be nice) but I still want to reconcile. Not now - oh heck no. I have too much self respect to take him back now. Until I'm over him I'm not ready and he's not ready until he fully experiences single life (a veteran here said this and I agree).
Right now he has all the power. Money, me waiting for him and the OW. I don't like this. Finalizing the D balances the power (somewhat)
Here is the thing that bothers me the most. I read the after D stories and it seems like the happiest are the ones are partnered back up. I'm so jealous that WAH had the time to meet someone while I did everything at home. He now has someone he can text, hook up with on lunch breaks, gets to be loved, he's done the hard work (finding someone) already. He didn't ever have to be ALONE.
Could I "date"? Sure but at what cost? My kids need me now more than ever. I'm angry that he gets to have it all while the rest us had our lives turned upside down.
Big hugs to you Kas , you need to take your focus OFF him , I am sure you have read this many times in other threads. The good news is that a WAH is much more likely to R . Heard use the time wisely? MWD has it in her book . If he does R and you haven’t grown , you will end up in the same spot years from now . I know none of this is easy BUT you can do it . This is where proper GAL comes in , nows the time to shine , it comes from the inside and shines out
Ps the strongest growth comes from the worst set backs , you gonna crawl up and wither or you coming back stronger? It’s a choice and hardest to do when your life has had the rug ripped out underneath BUT you can do it !!
Here is the thing that bothers me the most. I read the after D stories and it seems like the happiest are the ones are partnered back up. I'm so jealous that WAH had the time to meet someone while I did everything at home. He now has someone he can text, hook up with on lunch breaks, gets to be loved, he's done the hard work (finding someone) already. He didn't ever have to be ALONE.
Could I "date"? Sure but at what cost? My kids need me now more than ever. I'm angry that he gets to have it all while the rest us had our lives turned upside down.
Kas, you're looking at this all wrong. My wife left me 3 months ago for someone else and I have had all of those same thoughts. But 3 months of being alone and learning to care for myself and "self-soothe" has taught me that I am doing far better than she is now. I do not NEED anyone in my life to pick up my emotional slack, and neither do you.
He obviously HAS to have someone in order to feel what he would define as "complete" -- successful DB'ing is getting to the point that you do not have to have anyone in your life to be content and happy. Just yourself.
This is what this entire process has taught me, and I am so much of a better man now because of it. Once you make the changes you need to make and get through this process, I promise you will be so much better off when you come to the same realization. Just keep hanging in there and quit feeling like you need a band-aid like he does. Let the wounds truly HEAL.
True happiness and contentment come when you learn to be happy and content alone. Then if you feel you want to share your life with someone else, that's when you start to date again. You should not date to find happiness and contentment. This is where so many people get it wrong.
Kas, you're looking at this all wrong. I do not NEED anyone in my life to pick up my emotional slack, and neither do you. He obviously HAS to have someone in order to feel what he would define as "complete" -- successful DB'ing is getting to the point that you do not have to have anyone in your life to be content and happy. Just yourself.
I've got a mental block somehow because this is messing with my head. He left 8 months ago and I've done enough DB'ing that I don't need anyone and honestly I don't want anyone either. I wanted the band-aid when he first left yes but I don't now. I've got a good job, great friends, and my kids. I don't want to take anything off my plate right now.
My fear is once my kids are grown I'll be a spinster. He got out there while he still looks good. I'll be 60 by the time I'm done parenting. Who will be interested in a 60 year old woman??
My fear is once my kids are grown I'll be a spinster. He got out there while he still looks good. I'll be 60 by the time I'm done parenting. Who will be interested in a 60 year old woman??
Hi Kas, I'm going to apologize in advance, because I know this sounds flippant--a 60 year old man?! You can check dating demographics in your state. Maybe near you 60 year-old women date men 65-70.
Originally Posted by "Match.com"
75 percent of women and 81 percent of men in their 50s experience a serious, exclusive relationship after a divorce.
Originally Posted by "Match.com"
According to the National Institute of Health, only between 15 percent and 25 percent of men over 65 have erectile dysfunction severe enough to preclude intercourse.
As the other posts say, less focus on whether your ex-husband is doing great or miserably, more focus on your amazing journey and all you've achieved. It's in there. I hear it sometimes! If you're particularly worried about dating in 10 years, pick at least one hobby where there's co-ed interest (dancing, swimming, cooking, scrabble, historic novels, birding, I dunno!) Imagine how great at it you'll be after 10 years.
Ps the strongest growth comes from the worst set backs , you gonna crawl up and wither or you coming back stronger? It’s a choice and hardest to do when your life has had the rug ripped out underneath BUT you can do it !!
I appreciate people listening to me whine. I've grown by leaps and bounds since he left. I was so proud of how far I'd come in such a short time.....but
I'm struggling because I just recently moved, found out he got that big promotion we'd dreamed about for so long and there is OW. And for added fun I filed for D yesterday that I will have to go through with. I can't cancel it no matter what happens (financial reasons) and I can't remarry. Ever. Not even to him. That would restart the clock and my 28 year marriage turns into something where he owes me nothing. Yeah I'm not doing that.
95% of the things we worry about never happen. You're too focused on the future and what MAY or MAY NOT happen.
As mentioned above, you need to work on yourself so that you are a better partner to ANYONE when the time comes.
One thing I've learned from my situation is that the healing doesn't start until you LET GO. Me and my W may reconcile or we may not but I know that I'll be a better partner for her if we work things out. If not, I'll take what I've learned to my next relationship.
One thing she said to me about a friend of hers who left her H: She was hoping that with time apart things would be different and he'd be willing to make changes when she came back. Well...he didn't and they have decided it won't work because he wasn't willing to work on himself and learn from his experiences.
I'm sorry you are going through this. Find a way to ground yourself when your mind is spinning. If you have the urge to post your feelings here I recommend giving it at least a few hours as I don't want this forum to be a crutch for you. You need to learn how to deal with your emotions.
H 37 W 31 S 2
T: 7 M: 4
BD 12/18 Separated 2/19 Living back together 04/06/2019 W Moved out again 07/15/2019
