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Originally Posted by DaB35
I practised validating at work today. A colleague suddenly burst into tears with the amount of work she has - seems to be quite unrealistic. I said things like, "I can see how overwhelming that much work would be" or "it sounds like it would be difficult to plan everything when you work part-time but in a managerial role". She seemed to calm down a bit and appeared to compose herself.


Yes! That's awesome! Validation is a great tool to use with coworkers and clients, your kids, friends, anyone you cross paths with really. I've validated total strangers in line at the grocery store. Even as much as I talk about validation I STILL catch myself going into fix-it mode sometimes, man old habits are soooo hard to break.

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She has not chased it though which surprises me, as it's been nearly 2 weeks since she brought it up first.
There is no animosity at present, just complete NC unless absolutely necessary (e.g. yesterday she asked me to pay the window cleaner as they'd come round last week when nobody was in the house - simple business-like polite texts from me).


Sooo, you've been DB'ing, validating, giving her time and space, haven't even seen her in 2 months. And she has suddenly dropped pushing for a speedy D. Hmmmm, could it be that you've effectively removed the pressure from her? whistle wink


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
Joined: Aug 2019
Posts: 536
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DaB35 Offline OP
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Yes I will keep practising validation. ONe important 180 is being more involved with conversations and adding to them more; I'd often be too passive and just listen and not react at all, so adding validating statements is a good way to ease myself in to being more involved in conversations in general (Family/work colleagues/friends).

She is definitely not chasing anything about the D. She asked me to look into the court order on 4th Nov. She sitll hasn't asked for an update. I was expecting her to chase me last week, but she hasn't mentioned it at all.

No-one has made an offer on the house yet either. We've had several viewings though - about 4 or 5 I think.

Not sure what it all means! I haven't been pressuring her at all to do anything, so I guess we'll just see what the next few weeks bring.


Me - 36, W - 32
No kids
T - 8 yr, M - 3 yr
Discovery - 14 May 2019
S - 25 May 2019 & D bomb - 29 July 2019
D & House sale final - Feb 2020
Joined: Jul 2019
Posts: 473
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Nice work dan! Hopefully things are on the way up.


Me: early 40's
XW: nearly 50
T: 15
M: 5
BD: Jan 19
S:10 SS: 22 SD: 24
Joined: Aug 2019
Posts: 536
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DaB35 Offline OP
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Thanks DS. I'm feeling a little better this week. Starting to see a few good changes from all the gym work so that's helped with my self-image. I feel less rubbish this week.

Certainly as far as "me" is concerned, yes on the way up.


Me - 36, W - 32
No kids
T - 8 yr, M - 3 yr
Discovery - 14 May 2019
S - 25 May 2019 & D bomb - 29 July 2019
D & House sale final - Feb 2020
Joined: Jul 2019
Posts: 473
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Bravo dan itís certainly gratifying when all that hard gym work becomes noticeable isnít it. Where have you noticed the biggest change and where do you think you need more work?

Btw Iím going to think positive like AS and say I hope things are on the way up with the XW. Positive vibes mate, positive vibes😉

I hope youíre still smashing those castanets too haha


Me: early 40's
XW: nearly 50
T: 15
M: 5
BD: Jan 19
S:10 SS: 22 SD: 24
Joined: Aug 2019
Posts: 536
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DaB35 Offline OP
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Arms and chest mainly, and I think I just need to work more on abs. More of a semblance of a six-pack is appearing at the mo, rather than a bargain basement 4 pack lol! I'm at 11.8% body fat, so I think if I keep up the hard work it'll only get better.

I'm eating well - lots of veg, water, reduce sugar - and doing breathing exercises and try to do stretching every day. I do a Yoga class at the gym once a week and it's great. I look forward to it.

Yes, I think if I just keep up the positive vibes and don't think negatively, it'll help me move forward.

Haven't had a chance to play the castanets yet, been playing various types of drums, glockenspiel and cymbals mainly recently lol! Resumed practice every few days though - getting better!

Last edited by DaB35; 11/19/19 09:40 AM.

Me - 36, W - 32
No kids
T - 8 yr, M - 3 yr
Discovery - 14 May 2019
S - 25 May 2019 & D bomb - 29 July 2019
D & House sale final - Feb 2020
Joined: Aug 2019
Posts: 536
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Ha - having said she hasn't chased, she texted me this morning!

"Just wondering, did you get the ball rolling regarding the finance thing we need to do with the solicitor?"

I replied

"Hi. Yes I've paid for it and got a form. I am waiting for a response to some questions I had, as the form is very unclear. I'll send it to you to complete your bits once I know how to fill it in myself."

I guess this doesn't mean she's no longer feeling the pressure. Who knows, maybe someone has reminded her that I've not passed any info on to her...


Me - 36, W - 32
No kids
T - 8 yr, M - 3 yr
Discovery - 14 May 2019
S - 25 May 2019 & D bomb - 29 July 2019
D & House sale final - Feb 2020
Joined: Aug 2019
Posts: 536
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DaB35 Offline OP
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One query - this finance court order form we have to fill in has several sections:

- General info about where we live, etc., jobs, level of monthly income etc. That's fine.
- We then need to provide info about the house - how much mortgage is left on it, etc. That's ok; I can call the bank to get an exact figure.
- They also ask for a 'Title number' which I've never heard of, so have had to go back to L with what that entails. Am assuming it's in the deeds somewhere...(?).
- Then we have to describe each of our individual accounts: how much we have in each one, plus each of our personal savings accounts, plus personal debts - for both of us it's car finance & 2 credit cards each, that's it.
- Then we have 'additional info', e.g. a list of assets that we're splitting, are we splitting hosue sale 50/50 or not etc. W and I did this in August, but I've since said I'd like a few more things that we didn't put on (e.g. grandfather clock, which we initially said we'd sell, but I paid for it myself so I'd like to keep it). There are other minor things we haven't yet decided on how they'll be split e.g. kitchen utensils, bedding, our soft toy collection (currently languishing in my old wardrobe in the house - poor things lol!).

So, do I...
1. Fill in as much of the form as I can (my stuff plus house stuff, so over half the entire form) with the exception of W's own personal bits, then give it to her to fill in her own stuff to complete. She sends it back to me, then I pass it on to L.
2. Only fill in the bits that pertain to me personally, then hand it all over to W and ask her to fill in everything else (i.e. roughly 75% of the form).

Bearing in mind
-No animosity between us, just NC
-50/50 already agreed
-Her decision entirely to S and D.


Me - 36, W - 32
No kids
T - 8 yr, M - 3 yr
Discovery - 14 May 2019
S - 25 May 2019 & D bomb - 29 July 2019
D & House sale final - Feb 2020
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 8,152
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I would fill in as much as you reasonably can to limit mistakes on her part. I think you said she's not good at this sort of thing didn't you? If so then try to keep the guesswork (for her) to a minimum.


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
Joined: Aug 2019
Posts: 536
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DaB35 Offline OP
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Yes good point AS, thanks.

I'll be reasonable in filling it in then. Should I give it to her to pass to L? Or as I contacted them after she had looked into it, should I just send it to them?

GAL update
- Just got back from the gym. Upped my abs machine weights to 42.5kg now and the leg press is up to 60kg. Not expecting miracles in two months but will just keep going!
- Made £350 selling some old instruments and sheet music on ebay smile
- Working on new sideline projects including investigating self publishing some of my works

I tell myself sometimes - her loss!



Last edited by DaB35; 11/19/19 08:58 PM.

Me - 36, W - 32
No kids
T - 8 yr, M - 3 yr
Discovery - 14 May 2019
S - 25 May 2019 & D bomb - 29 July 2019
D & House sale final - Feb 2020
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