People here told me that when it was time to D I'd know it. There'd be no hesitation, I'd be calm and I'd be confident in my decision. They were right. I filed 3 weeks ago and I have no regrets. I don't want a D either but it was time to protect myself financially. He and your wife have a lot to lose when the D happens. Your wife will have to get a full time job, she will have to move, and you will get the kids 50% of the time. My WAH will have to pay me a lot more.
They still want a D yes but I believe many delay it for their own selfish reasons. Don't want to be the bad guy, it's too much trouble, it's expensive, don't want to get a job, don't want to move, so they put it off....meanwhile the LBS clings to every word, every action, hopeful that the M can be saved. This explains so much why many LBS's have to file even though we're not the ones who want this.
I got angry and I think you are almost there. How fair is it that our WAS's get to keep their lives unchanged after they leave or kick us out? Why would they D? Read one sitch here and the guy waited 4 years to file. He told her he wanted a D which put him in control. She DB'd her heart out, he threw her some crumbs but as I followed the story it became clear he'd been planning this for a while. It was awful the things he did that she didn't know about during those 4 years. He didn't get away with it (I now think WAS's aren't as clever as they think they are) but still. This would have been my story had I not filed I guarantee it. Oh and that guy? Got hit with total karma. lol
Please don't take this advice as anything you should do, because you are a great father with 3 kids who is more than capable of making his own decisions. But I want to show you the options you do have - or at least the ones I see here from behind a keyboard, looking at words on a screen.
Originally Posted by unchien
Do you want to sell the house?
I want a fair financial situation. I am indifferent about the house. I talk about selling the house b/c I think my W will not be able to afford the mortgage once we have a fair financial situation.
Option 1 - move back into the house. Inform W that you can no longer afford the finances of living separately. Option 2 - use MC to inform W that finances will not continue to support the current living arrangement/situation. Option 3 - engage W in a civil discussion about finances and finances only. Leave out all emotions and do not discuss the future or engage in any R, S, or D talks - keep it strictly business. Option 4 - search for an alternative home that is more affordable and inform W that finances will not allow you to keep the current arrangement. Consult with W on the best possible alternative for living arrangements with regards to the kids, their schools, schedules etc. Let W be involved in helping to make the decision.
(Again - I dont know your sit in real life, just throwing ideas out there.)
Originally Posted by Unchien
Do you want to continue going to counseling?
Hmmm... No. I want to go to mediation. However I worry my W may regress if we stop counseling.
Hmm...Regress to what? Has there been improvement? If things have calmed, would it be better to back off and wait for a while? Again - I dont know your financial sit and I don't want to know. Just something to think about if it is possible.
Will pushing D forward help you or hurt you?
It will help me be on more stable footing financially. And I will feel more secure having a legal parenting plan in place.
It will hurt me in the sense my W will feel I wanted it. It will feel final. It's not ultimately what I want, although I feel I need to face reality here.
It will feel that way because it will be that way, unfortunately. I don't know what reality you have to face - that's totally your business and you should keep that to yourself anyway. But I would suggest a couple other options
Option 1 - finding another solution for rearranging finances, including selling the house. Including W in this would be recommended. Option 2 - talking to an accountant who specializes in separated couples who have not D yet. Option 3 - talking to a financial advisor to see if there are areas you can cut expenses now.
Originally Posted by Unchien
I guess that's my point here... I'd like to change the circumstances so that I could wait....
...I don't want a D. I want to work on the MR...
This is what you want, at the core of it. It sounds like "standing" to me, but again, I could be wrong.