It's crazy I've read these stories of WAS's wanting a D but not doing anything about it. I never understood it until now. Until he wants to get married this setup works quite nicely for him.
Hi Kas,
I was happy when my ex-wife didn't file. I would have been happy if my ex-wife did file. I just didn't want to spend my time and energy "finalizing a divorce". I didn't need closure. Finalization had no benefits for me. My ex-wife at times thought I was opposed to finalization, and lost interest when she saw I didn't care.
It sounds like you're pushing this to help secure your finances. That, or getting closure, are great reasons. You say you're getting less than guidelines and such situations shouldn't be allowed to stand. Good for you fixing it. Just don't be too disappointed if he's not upset and doesn't react emotionally to this.
It sounds like you're pushing this to help secure your finances. That, or getting closure, are great reasons. You say you're getting less than guidelines and such situations shouldn't be allowed to stand. Good for you fixing it. Just don't be too disappointed if he's not upset and doesn't react emotionally to this.
Right now he's operating under the "I'll pay what I want to" plan. I think you or AS told me it doesn't work like that. He's going to be upset but only over money and the part where it says "adultery". He wants to keep his money and his reputation in tact. I've got a coworker who says she can find out the OWs name if I want her to.
CW I can’t get a grip. Can’t get past the OW. My thoughts are strangling me as I imagine her taking the life we were supposed to have. The promotion, retirement, travel, etc. The “lunches” at his house. We used to do that and now it’s her. He looks good too and she has him.
Deep breaths Kas It's highly unlikely it's all sunshine and rainbows for H and OW. And even if it is, it's probably just limerence. You're doing the right thing making a move to protect yourself, and letting your L run the show. Now just try and relax and let the process work. I have a feeling you'll come out of this in pretty good shape and your H will feel like he got kicked in the groin by Jackie Chan.
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On the flip side I have the kids full time. I am here. Everyday, every night. They love me. We are a team. The three of us. We have a cute little house that is slowly ever so slowly becoming home.
Exactly, plenty to be thankful for!
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He won. He gets it all.
You have wonderful kids and he has some sleazy woman that sleeps with married men. Who won?
Originally Posted by kas99
I think what was his plan when he realized it wasn't going to go his way? Put this off? Wait for me file? It's crazy I've read these stories of WAS's wanting a D but not doing anything about it. I never understood it until now. Until he wants to get married this setup works quite nicely for him.
Who knows, but if you want me to guess then I would say his plan went like this:
1. Make a ridiculous lowball offer while hiding as many assets as possible, hope W accepts quickly and quietly 2. Hide OW, keep dangling the carrot of hope out there so W will agree to lowball offer 3. Darn it W didn't accept lowball offer, time for new plan 4. New plan- quit pushing for D, go into hiding, hope W just forgets the whole thing and sits back quietly while I pay out as little monthly as possible. Hope that OW doesn't get pushy about making me pursue D. Do favors for W to dangle that carrot of hope out there to keep her compliant
When he gets served, he is going to lose his sh**. Expect some combination of ranting, raving, crying, apologizing and negotiating (probably in a looping pattern). Get used to saying: "have your L contact my L to discuss that".
See I’m starting to get mad. He really should have hidden the OW better. I don’t know what he was thinking since he had it made. Money, OW and me out of his life. This will sting because even the lower number is likely to leave a mark because his bills are too high. Divorce means unless you’re loaded your lifestyle drops. His already has but it was going to get better once he no longer had to pay my bills.
See I’m starting to get mad. He really should have hidden the OW better. I don’t know what he was thinking since he had it made. Money, OW and me out of his life.
He got complacent. Happens a lot. The WAS goes to great efforts to hide their activities initially, then over time they get more and more complacent thinking they have everyone snowed. Then they get busted. If you had confronted him you would have gotten lies and gaslighting (and you probably still will once he gets served).
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This will sting because even the lower number is likely to leave a mark because his bills are too high. Divorce means unless you’re loaded your lifestyle drops. His already has but it was going to get better once he no longer had to pay my bills.
It sounds like you are doing this to get some revenge? Just make sure you're in it to protect yourself, that should be your goal. Honestly who cares whether it hurts him or not. His circus, his monkeys (I forget who's saying that is, R2C maybe? I love that one though!)
Deep breaths Kas It's highly unlikely it's all sunshine and rainbows for H and OW. And even if it is, it's probably just limerence. You're doing the right thing making a move to protect yourself, and letting your L run the show. Now just try and relax and let the process work. I have a feeling you'll come out of this in pretty good shape and your H will feel like he got kicked in the groin by Jackie Chan.
The nausea is bad. I read about limerance yesterday when I could barely get off the couch. Said these things aren't near as much fun once the relationship is "legal". Yes we are still married but I know, I filed and I'm taking half. She can have him.
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You have wonderful kids and he has some sleazy woman that sleeps with married men. Who won?
He's playing super dad with S19 oblivious that he likely won't have the money to restore a car for some father/son bonding time.
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Who knows, but if you want me to guess then I would say his plan went like this:
1. Make a ridiculous lowball offer while hiding as many assets as possible, hope W accepts quickly and quietly 2. Hide OW, keep dangling the carrot of hope out there so W will agree to lowball offer 3. Darn it W didn't accept lowball offer, time for new plan 4. New plan- quit pushing for D, go into hiding, hope W just forgets the whole thing and sits back quietly while I pay out as little monthly as possible. Hope that OW doesn't get pushy about making me pursue D. Do favors for W to dangle that carrot of hope out there to keep her compliant
I'm not trying to brag but I'm smarter than he is. I was never going to accept the lowball offer in the D. My attorney practically yelled at me not to sign anything without her seeing it (wasn't going to). I took the lowball offer while he paid all my bills and I had hope. He might have gotten away with it for a few more months but I would have been forced to file soon to avoid status quo.
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When he gets served, he is going to lose his sh**. Expect some combination of ranting, raving, crying, apologizing and negotiating (probably in a looping pattern). Get used to saying: "have your L contact my L to discuss that".
I don't think I'll hear from him. He's going to be PISSED though.
AS he doesn't know how strong I am now. Yes this kills me but I will do what I have to do.
He got complacent. Happens a lot. The WAS goes to great efforts to hide their activities initially, then over time they get more and more complacent thinking they have everyone snowed. Then they get busted. If you had confronted him you would have gotten lies and gaslighting (and you probably still will once he gets served).
He lives in a cove with lots of cars on the street. She was there at high noon and it was super cold and rainy. The odds of him getting caught that day were slim. He gave S19 a key and he used it (at high noon) to go visit our cats. WAH doesn't know S19's college schedule.
Still complacent though. Makes sense. It's dumb but I get it. WAH will wonder how I found out.
I
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t sounds like you are doing this to get some revenge? Just make sure you're in it to protect yourself, that should be your goal. Honestly who cares whether it hurts him or not. His circus, his monkeys (I forget who's saying that is, R2C maybe? I love that one though!)
I'm having a bad day. I'm about to sue who I thought was my best friend for 30 years. I don't want to do this. I don't want to go after his money. I have no choice and yes I post revenge rants as a coping mechanism. Kinda like laughing at a funeral. I mean nothing by it. This one of the saddest things I've ever had to do.
D17 jokes "if it wasn't for those meddling kids" from Scooby Doo since S19 is the one that found about the OW.
I have no choice and yes I post revenge rants as a coping mechanism. Kinda like laughing at a funeral. I mean nothing by it. This one of the saddest things I've ever had to do.
This is terrible. Your best friend has left for months, maybe years, maybe for good. This is a great place to share revenge rants. Your D17, though, seems to believe S19's discovery of the OW is going to lead to problems for your ex-husband. That implies she's heard or intuited you'll seek revenge. I don't know if that what you're going for with the new low-negativity Kas who's been impressing them lately.
Originally Posted by "Kas"
I think you or AS told me it doesn't work like that.
Absolutely! I did, and I'm glad you're taking him to court to get what you deserve.
I don't think I'll hear from him. He's going to be PISSED though.
You don't think so? Does he have an "avoidant" personality?
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AS he doesn't know how strong I am now. Yes this kills me but I will do what I have to do.
I am sure you are right, WAS's indulge in all kinds of fantasies including a smooth, trouble-free, cheap, fast D. You're prepared and have been preparing. I doubt he has.
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I'm having a bad day. I'm about to sue who I thought was my best friend for 30 years. I don't want to do this. I don't want to go after his money. I have no choice and yes I post revenge rants as a coping mechanism. Kinda like laughing at a funeral. I mean nothing by it. This one of the saddest things I've ever had to do.
I get that, we all deal with it in different ways! Thanks for the explanation. I just don't want to see you lose yourself in pessimism, but if venting here gives you a better PMA in real life then go for it! Yes, definitely sad and painful to go through. Terrible stuff. For me 8 years later (post BD) it all just seems like a bad dream, kind of fuzzy. I don't remember a lot of the details as we talked about before, and in fact I have completely avoided re-reading my old posts which I think is my personal coping mechanism. I remember when I was going through it and people would tell me that some day I would get over it I always thought "oh man no way, this level of pain I'm experiencing is going to leave me scarred for life, I'll never be normal again." But they were right, I grieved, I recovered, I moved on and I am content and happy again. Anyway I'm just trying to say that even though it is terrible right now, hopefully some day you'll be able to look back on this with the same kind of detachment I do.
It's highly unlikely it's all sunshine and rainbows for H and OW. And even if it is, it's probably just limerence. You're doing the right thing making a move to protect yourself, and letting your L run the show. Now just try and relax and let the process work. I have a feeling you'll come out of this in pretty good shape and your H will feel like he got kicked in the groin by Jackie Chan.