I have been on this board for 5 years and never once have I saw someone buy their spouse out of a house be divorced for 3 weeks and then out of no where change their mind. It takes time.
What is the point you are trying to make? I know she is not coming back. Not right now and maybe never. It’s just sad how she walked away from this and never gave it another shot, especially now knowing the things that she wanted more of and what was lacking. LH did I make it seem like I was implying that she would change her mind soon? Just out of curiosity how many times on this board have you see the MLC spouse change their mind and actually want to get back with their LBS? Only reason why is I don’t think she is ever changing her mind. Like I said I just really miss my family and I am going to miss how the holidays were. I am not looking forward to the holidays anymore.
I have read so much about MLC and know she is having one it’s just I don’t think she will ever snap out of it. If she only truly knew how much I love her and the kids. Yeah she can go out there and replace me with someone better looking or wealthier or more calm. But I can promise you she will not find someone who will love her and those kids like I do!! No one can ever love a child more than a parent!!! Listening to her complaints again today and really thinking about it, she can not let go of the past and I validated her feelings of how she did not feel loved and did not like coming home. Maybe one day the fog will lift and she will understand what a great husband I really was to her!! This is not easy dealing with this loss!!! I would rather break ever bone in my body that feel this emotional pain!!
M:42 XW:41 T:19 M: 15 D:13 S:10 BD: 8/10/18 Moved out: 8/18 Moved in: 9/18/18 Moved out: 4/22/19 D papers signed 11/4/19 D final 3/18/20
I understood how that would make her feel. I can’t validate lies.
You validate how she feels (not the words she is saying). Frustrated, Angry, Sad, Confused, Happy. Everyone has a story. Their storys are not right or wrong. They are just stories.
Practice this with everyone. Listen and validate.
If my daughter tells me this : "Everyone hates me at school!!" Should I validate her feelings or argue about it with her?
My step daughter tells me I am the only one that listens to her. Her friends don't. Her mother doesn't. I have to FORCE myself to validate because it is not natural. I want to FIX.
I assume you want advise. I could validate how you feel instead.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
I was standing in the lobby and she came over to me and said I will get right to it. I heard you are saying things about me and that we got divorced because I was having an affair. I told her that is not what I said and you need to stop listening to other people.
Validating response: "Honestly I don't recall saying anything like that, but I'm sure that is very frustrating hearing people tell you those things, I am sorry you're having to deal with that."
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She said, “you tell people that you miss your family.” I said that is true I do miss my family. Then she said you never cared about me.
"It sounds like you felt like I didn't care about you, I regret doing things that made you feel that way."
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At this point I should have walked away. But she sucked me in. I guess I just wasn’t expecting this now. I told her this is ridiculous, she said if you did care I would have fixed all these things before this happened. I said you are right I should have taken care of those problems. I realize she is just gaslighting me and did not want to argue because it is ridiculous. And she said what affair did she ever have. I said I told you I never said that stop listening to people. She said what about you? You were dating, I said that is not true. She said people have told her, again I said stop listening to people. I know I should have ended this conversation real early.
Yeah you really want to avoid these type of exchanges, it just looks like "more of the same" to her. She doesn't see it as her drawing you into a fight, she sees it as her raising legitimate questions and you being argumentative.
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My question what is she looking to accomplish with this dialogue? We are divorced and why is she listening to other people if that’s even true. Or why is she making this stuff up? Blind sided by this. I am tired of all the accusations.
Because someone said something to her and she felt attacked so she felt obliged to say something. You can feed her paranoia like you did, or you can listen and validate which will defuse the situation.
Another Stander I wish you were there with me. Those are good phrases to use. It’s funny because I always think about validating but it never comes out and I sometimes feel t know exactly how to say those things. When you say it it looks so good. I need an earpiece with you talking into it for me. Lol. The one thing that has changed at least for me, I. Those exchanges I don’t yell and I keep my cool. In e past I would have blown up and never apologized for anything in the past. I definitely need to do a better job.
Can some explain this for me though. Validating all the time doesn’t feel natural and is not me. I feel like I am changing to accommodate her. When I am I ever really able to express myself? Instead of always trying to make her feel understood. Is that how I am suppose to interact with her the rest of my life. Just understand her feeling and never give my side of a story or explain how I feel?
M:42 XW:41 T:19 M: 15 D:13 S:10 BD: 8/10/18 Moved out: 8/18 Moved in: 9/18/18 Moved out: 4/22/19 D papers signed 11/4/19 D final 3/18/20
Everyone wants their feelings validated. To feel like people understand them and how they view the world and their surroundings "at that moment". It's not just your W. People around you - that's why others suggest working on this with everyone you come in contact with. How can you argue with someone else's feelings??? Why don't you want her to feel understood? YES, you should be interacting with her in that way.
This doesn't mean you can't say how you feel and that your feelings aren't important. It's ok to stand up and say how you feel with strength. It doesn't mean you argue with them about how you feel they should feel different, or how what you did shouldn't make them feel like that.
Are you following? I'm sure someone else can explain better but I do think you're missing the point.
You may feel like you are changing but maybe that's a good thing because it can help you build relationships in the future!
H 37 W 31 S 2
T: 7 M: 4
BD 12/18 Separated 2/19 Living back together 04/06/2019 W Moved out again 07/15/2019
Another Stander I wish you were there with me. Those are good phrases to use. It’s funny because I always think about validating but it never comes out and I sometimes feel t know exactly how to say those things. When you say it it looks so good. I need an earpiece with you talking into it for me. Lol. The one thing that has changed at least for me, I. Those exchanges I don’t yell and I keep my cool. In e past I would have blown up and never apologized for anything in the past. I definitely need to do a better job.
Can some explain this for me though. Validating all the time doesn’t feel natural and is not me. I feel like I am changing to accommodate her. When I am I ever really able to express myself? Instead of always trying to make her feel understood. Is that how I am suppose to interact with her the rest of my life. Just understand her feeling and never give my side of a story or explain how I feel?
Don't beat yourself up too much for not doing everything perfect in real time. The one thing that I learned from reading all the vets' old threads is that they made the similar mistakes you did in their own sitch. They have the benefit of objectivity and time to read/edit your posts. Just keep learning and improving everyday with each interaction.
Thank you Jac and lovingit for your words of wisdom. Every little bit helps. Since sometimes I get stuck or confused on what to say looking for advice. My xw text me last night that my d was not feeling well. That she might have to stay home from school. Xw said she couldn’t that I would have to stay home with her. If d did stay home sick she wouldn’t leave her at the house she was going to wake her up early and bring her to my moms house where I am staying. I think it’s horrible if my d did stay home that she would wake her up early and take her out in the freezing cold and bring her to my moms instead of me going there. The question I have is how do I respond to her basically insisting on me staying? She is a teacher too and she has the same time off as I do. If I simply tell her I can’t take off either it would start an argument. Obviously I have the right to not stay home, if she is choosing not too. She thinks I am at her becking call all the time. We only have a certain number of sick days and last year anytime the kids were sick I stayed home. She always has an excuse why she can’t. What is the best way to say I don’t want to stay home without it coming off argumentative or as she would say spiteful. She has such a double standard she doesn’t have to stay home but I have to. She doesn’t want to stay home because today is Friday and this is her night to party and go to happy hour and she doesn’t want to miss that. I am so done with this teenage behavior. It’s all about her and doesn’t care about anyone else!!!
M:42 XW:41 T:19 M: 15 D:13 S:10 BD: 8/10/18 Moved out: 8/18 Moved in: 9/18/18 Moved out: 4/22/19 D papers signed 11/4/19 D final 3/18/20
Hi XW, man, that really stinks that D is sick. I am sorry, I can't stay home tomorrow there is something important going on in class. Please keep me posted on how she is doing. Have a great evening.
If she only truly knew how much I love her and the kids. Yeah she can go out there and replace me with someone better looking or wealthier or more calm. But I can promise you she will not find someone who will love her and those kids like I do!!
I don't believe her issues developed b/c you failed to love her & the kids. If she is having a MLC, then I don't think it has much, if anything, to do with how much you loved her.
A lot of LBH's try to make up for whatever they didn't provide in the MR.......like, doing acts to show his W how much he loves her. However, the timing is off, b/c she is not receptive to his love at this time. They are living in different time worlds, emotionally.
If you are fully convinced she is in MLC, then why not move to the MLC forum? It's fine if you want to stay here. I'm just thinking maybe you could identify with those supporters and receive suggestions centered around the subject of spouses in MLC. You need to listen to those who have learned how to cope with, or without, a MLCW.
I hear your grief, Wolf, and I agree that the situation is very sad. (((hugs)))
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
You think taking off for a sick child is argumentative in your sich. XW is a teacher she has taken off at least 25 days this calendar year, and I myself about 20. Surgeries, being sick, Dr's appointments etc.. ALL FOR JUST S2. Take turns. State where and when you can and cannot take off. Always get and anticipate at least 12 hrs notice if child is feeling ill, make the decisions jointly for either one of you to stay home the night prior.
