Personally, I would think it is Bio-dads responsibility to come get step son and drop him back off. After that, I would think it is Bio-Moms responsibility to honor any agreements she has with the father.
I really appreciate the feedback Ready2Change. So an update, I still havent had the talk about my stepson yet. She texted me tonight that she doesnt know what she wants. That her heart and mind go back and forth. She also said she doesnt think she can make it on her own financially. I told her I wouldnt want to work on us if it is just for financial reasons. Then I said, I know it is tough but the way we treated each other over the last year or so, me drinking, not sleeping in the same bed, no intimacy is not worth the sacrifice due to financial reasons alone. I continued, I have thought through the financial impact and although it [censored], I want an intimate caring relationship more. So I am doing the things necessary in my life to make that a possibility. Then she said, "I wanted to kiss you this morning to see if there was still anything there. But I didnt, bad idea" My response was, "Yes, bad idea. If we are going to try "us" again we need to take it slow and start over."
She texted me tonight that she doesnt know what she wants. That her heart and mind go back and forth.
"That sounds very frustrating, is that how you feel?"
She also said she doesnt think she can make it on her own financially. I told her I wouldnt want to work on us if it is just for financial reasons.
Yes I can see how you would be concerned about that.
Then I said, I know it is tough but the way we treated each other over the last year or so, me drinking, not sleeping in the same bed, no intimacy is not worth the sacrifice due to financial reasons alone. I continued, I have thought through the financial impact and although it [censored], I want an intimate caring relationship more. So I am doing the things necessary in my life to make that a possibility.
Then she said, "I wanted to kiss you this morning to see if there was still anything there. But I didnt, bad idea"
"It sounds like this is a confusing time for you, would you agree?"
My response was, "Yes, bad idea. If we are going to try "us" again we need to take it slow and start over."
Slarty, LISTEN and VALIDATE. All the stuff above that I crossed through, that is 100% relationship talk and she absolutely does not want to talk about the R right now. That's all pressure at a time she wants zero pressure. Read the links Cadet posted, especially the ones on validation. Read DR. Read Sandi's rules every day. Use those rules as your template on how to behave.
I really appreciate the feedback Ready2Change. So an update, I still havent had the talk about my stepson yet. She texted me tonight that she doesnt know what she wants. That her heart and mind go back and forth. She also said she doesnt think she can make it on her own financially. I told her I wouldnt want to work on us if it is just for financial reasons. Then I said, I know it is tough but the way we treated each other over the last year or so, me drinking, not sleeping in the same bed, no intimacy is not worth the sacrifice due to financial reasons alone. I continued, I have thought through the financial impact and although it [censored], I want an intimate caring relationship more. So I am doing the things necessary in my life to make that a possibility. Then she said, "I wanted to kiss you this morning to see if there was still anything there. But I didnt, bad idea" My response was, "Yes, bad idea. If we are going to try "us" again we need to take it slow and start over."
Common WAW script. My W said it was like she was in the double drive-thrub at McDonalds and didn't know if she should take the far lane or the near lane. Later she could see benefits and detriments to either decision. Remember, they are on their own emotional rollercoaster. Makes me think of the old rock song "Should I Stay out Should I Go". Empathize with her, as those contrary feelings can't be a good place to be.
Remember, believe nothing she says and half of what she does.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Also I probably buried myself even more this morning before I read about validating her feelings a little more. I told her that if we are going to work on reconciliation she needs to stop her affair and I also told her I was sleeping in the MBR every night going forward. I need to make her feel more comfortable rather than ramping up the pressure.
Is their any suggestions as to what i should say to alleviate some of that pressure I put on her or should I just let it lie. After thinking about this and putting myself in her shoes her head is probably going to explode with all this feeling, emotion and additional pressure I added between last night and this mornings communication with her. I wish I was picking up on all this faster.
She's having an EA/PA with OM... so according to the vets (Sandi, LH, etc...), you are probably okay to be a bit firm with her to set your boundaries, so you don't have to make her too comfortable right now.
You'll have more opportunities to find the right balance for your sitch in the future.
I'm still trying to find the right balance between not being angry / cold vs being too available vs listening / validating.
