I'm not over him though so I want to be as far away from his as possible. He kept offering to fix things here and I gave in for S19s sake. As long as he was gone by the time I got home then I was fine. I'm taking this day by day. If any point this upsets me I will stop it. Right now I think its a positive thing. As I type this what little hope I have is still years out. I'm unpacking, organizing, cooking, buying curtain rods, I'm setting up house. This is my life now.
Last night WAH asked S19 if I'd gotten an email from the rental company. It's been 9 days and no I do not know if he's going to get his deposit back or not but I told S19 I'd let him know if I heard anything.
I am worried that this isn't a positive thing and that I'm delusional. I'm trying to stay grounded or at the very least busy. The codependent thing is largely gone but it rears its ugly head if I sit too long or when I'm stressed. I don't want a divorce....and see now I need to stop talking about this because when I go down this path I get down and I have way better thoughts to have. It's going to be okay.
I take note of when I feel bad about losing WAH and today I got overwhelmed. Im still unpacking and trying to organize. Struggling to get the grocery bill down by a lot. Earlier today I was happy. Truly happy. It was a gorgeous day and D17 went shopping with me. She played DJ and we sang all her favorite songs. Yesterday S19 took my newly maintained car for a spin. We stopped at auto zone, got him some new wiper blades, and some window cleaner. We came home, had my car playing old rock songs while I washed my windows and he installed wiper blades on his car. Had a lot of fun. S19 was concerned about the wipers so he drove to the big box store where WAH works and had him look at them. I live 2 minutes between WAHs house and the big box store where he works.
Anyway tonight I cooked dinner, spent time individually with S19 and D17. I might get overwhelmed and wish WAH were here to help but you know what? At the end of the day I get it done. I handle it. One of these days I’ll stop thinking I need WAH.
S19 keeps talking about my car (that I need to last me 20 years) and this rental house. He says I will move again and this isn’t my last car. Fascinating.
I’ve always been told to be less negative and I’m starting to get it now but I want to know why. Where did this come from?
Saturday D17 and I went thrifting. She was trying on clothes when this woman started talking to me. This is huge because I am unapproachable. Now that I think about it random people have been talking to me more. My body language must be changing.
Anyway back to this woman she wanted my input on the clothes she was trying on. I’m thinking why are you talking to me and could you not? Last night I started thinking what was I afraid of? I went back to my mother. She wanted my input too but was mean to me.
So this woman then asked me to watch her cart and I about had a panic attack. I’m literally afraid of this woman. I’ve painted her as an awful person and I don’t even know her.
I’m off work today and my goal is to organize the pantry. My kitchen is tore up right now.
Then the pain hits. He’s gone. Actually gone. Has his own house. I can’t call or text him. Can’t meet him for lunch. I’ve screwed everything up for all of us.
I’m overwhelmed. This is so dumb. I’m fine. I get this way when I’m stressed.
Hi Kas, so, what do you know, and how did you find out?
S19 went over there to visit the pets. WAH is home, house is dark, there is a new car there, a purse, a pair of shoes and glasses. S19 ran before WAH found out he was there.
Hi Kas, so, what do you know, and how did you find out?
S19 went over there to visit the pets. WAH is home, house is dark, there is a new car there, a purse, a pair of shoes and glasses. S19 ran before WAH found out he was there.
Sorry to hear that--sounds pretty certain.
You're already separated, minimal contact, and divorce pending--I'm not sure there's much you can do to prevent him from seeking occasional intimacy or new relationships.
Be kind to yourself today. We're listening, and many here have gone through similar.
PS - I wonder why S19 ran. It may be worth exploring his feelings, after you've worked out your curse words.
PS - I wonder why S19 ran. It may be worth exploring his feelings, after you've worked out your curse words.
S19 ran because he doesn't want WAH to know he knows.
"The Why" behind that may be interesting.
Something is driving him to feel he should (a) keep secret from his father that he knows, (b) tell you, (c) not tell his father that he's told you. I say "The Why" is curious because I wouldn't want my kids to feel they had to be secret agents or keep things hidden and I'd wonder how to make him more comfortable.
For today, given this wretched news, caring for yourself probably already sets a big enough challenge.
