Standing to Save my Marriage Alone pt 3

[CanBird]

what did your H say to his family?last

when was the last time he contacted them
when was the last time he contacted you?

Can you have direct communication with your H and ask him what he wants his family to know?


I think the truth is a good place to start
I sense you are holding a heavy burden by covering this up and all your energy is going to that instead of grieving and healing
therapy and growth to let him go

Nothing you say or do or dont say or do will change this

If the "cat" gets out of the bag, you may be able to move forward feeling better

Talk with a db coach and see if you can get some guidence and support

This is just my opinion..go within to seek what feels best for you and follow that
I know its hard
we are here for you-

I have no idea what H has said to his family.
I have no idea when H has contact his family last. They say it's been a while or long time.

H contacted me June 3 via text, then talked (2nd bd. I don’t want to be married. I don't want to come home. The rest is a blur. Horrible connection. I Asked questions. Said the wrong things. Quickly stopped myself and listened, but connection was horrible. (So frustrating). I texted him after and said this was a difficult time for us...our business...not involve anyone else say anything....he agreed, said thank you & sorry.

July & Sept: I contacted H (emergency and huge home repair) he replied back.

I have a way to directly contact H. I can see his online status, also by date & time.

I think it's time to ask him for his input. As suggested, "What do you want your family to know". I agree that Nothing I say or do or dont say or do will change this ... saying nothing or saying something doesn't change anything. I'm going to go for it. This is a huge burden on me.

[CanBird]

××××××Oops... communication glitch. I replied a few times to Peace. Oops Reports sent. ××××××××

[CanBird]

I am truly sorry that you are having a difficult time keeping people at bay w/the many questions that they have. I would suggest that you send your h a text message/email and advise him that people are inquiring about him, i.e., especially his immediate family. Suggest that he might want to contact them directly and answer their questions or if he doesn't wish to do that, then advise you as to what you need to say to them.

If he doesn't respond within a reasonable time period, then the next time you are asked about him, just be honest and say "I don't know. I haven't heard from him". That is the truth and you do not owe them any other explanations, If you wish to say something more at Thanksgiving, then do it in person, but really, you don't know what is going on and you do not know where he is and that is all they really need to know.

I hope that today is a better day for you.

Thank you. I've written my points out and will proceed with attempting contact. I've had enough of dodging questions and want H input before opening up this can of worms.

[CanBird]

Peacetoday, thank you for your reply as well. Your input has helped.

[DnJ]

Good Morning Can

Sorry about the ramped up anxiety. It is obvious you are under a lot of pressure.

Breathe.

I believe in something - The truth will set you free.

As time goes on and Turkey Day grows closer, you are getting bombarded with more and more questions. The family probably know even less than you, and is just seeking answers. Wanting to know what, when, and how you are all going to arrive and such.

You, your mental health, is most important.

Contact them and let them know. Let the chips fall where they do. Cry, reach out, be vulnerable. Once this is in the open you will feel better.

I did this with “our” friends. Some stayed, some left. I found peace and support.

I know family is different than friends.

This ranks right up there with facing and letting go of your fears.

(((CanBird)))

Do what is right for you.

DnJ

[CanBird]

Thanks DnJ. I was hoping to hear from you and there you are..lol.

Yes. I need to do what's right for me.

[CanBird]

I'm attempting to contact H. This will be the first time I've reached out to H about our sitch. I'm tired of his family asking me questions about him that I can't answer. H needs to know whats going on and hopefully we can move forward. It's time.

This will be it:

"Your family is asking about you. I don't know what you want your family to know. Might you consider contacting them directly? If you wish not to, advise me on what I need to say to them".

Copy and pasting soon.

Happy Monday

[DnJ]

That sounds pretty good.

Well done.

[CanBird]

H gave me a reply.

Very remorseful messagel. I'll post more details later. He kind of answered my questions, he's still at work and trying to finish up. Guess that's something for the in-laws.

I feel better that we're communicating. It's a start.

[CanBird]

Me: "Hi.Your family is asking about you. I don't know what you want your family to know. Might you consider contacting them directly? If you wish not to, advise me on what I need to say to them".

1 1/2 later....

H: Hi. I'm still on the water.
I'm sorry I haven't been in contact with you.
I'm nervous & guilty & ashamed & feeling like everything is beyond what I can handle and just trying to finish work here and messages are coming.
I'm lost.
I'm more than sorry.
I don't know what to say or if I'm allowed to talk to you or D3.
I feel so bad inside.

I have to work now.

I feel that I am the worst person.

44mins later my reply

Me: You can always talk to D3. And you can always always talk to me no matter what.


I then text brother inlaw & StepMIL, ..."he's still at work and trying to finish up. That's all I know.

I feel SO relieved that the lines of communication are open. I gave him space & didn't contact him (unless it was an emergency). IF he had wanted to talk, he could have taken action to do so. I'm not angry. Disappointed a bit that he hasn't tried. I sorry for him that he's trouble, but he should feel sorry. And here we are. Let's see what's next.