Do you think the emotional roller coaster will ever end? kas I completely understand how you use this forum as a journal because I do the same. It is hard and you are doing it
560 people have viewed my thread. I don’t know how I feel until I type it and here I feel less alone even if no one responds. I read your thread even though I don’t have any advice so I’m here.
On the emotional roller coaster ending I find solace online. Low end 14 months and no contact speeds this up plus GAL, detaching helps make this easier so I think I’m halfway there. I look back at how awful it was the day of the BD omg this is a piece of cake compared to then. Lol
I continue to grow into someone I’m proud of and I’m happier now. Hate that it took this to get me to change but nothing I can do about it now right?
I manipulated and controlled WAH out of fear that he would leave me and the irony is this drove him away. I’ve known for a long time that I did this and while I slowed it down considerably I couldn’t completely stop. I’m learning how to sit with bad feelings instead of doing anything toxic. I’m learning to let go. I’m learning to live an authentic yet positive life. The hard part is I have to stop lying so much (no way to completely stop). I have to stop and think about my motives before I do anything. For example I was sending WAH pictures of his estranged daughter D17. She’s almost an adult, it’s a betrayal and I was trying to man
That last sentence is manipulate WAH. I’m sitting at a car dealership getting annual maintenance yay me but it’s hard to type on my phone. I’ll finish my journal later.
I know 560 people haven’t read this. It’s probably 5 who increase the count. Lol. Sadly this board isn’t dead so people do read looking for answers. The answers are here yes but it won’t (at first) be the ones you want. I’d be embarrassed to go back and read my posts from 6 months ago. People told me it would be ok, maybe even better and of course I didn’t believe them. I hate that it took this to wake me up but other than painful moments of grief I am happier now. I can’t even grasp that I can type those words. I am proud of who I am becoming. I’m stronger now more secure less haunted by my tragic childhood. I am healing.
I’m in an old house with damaged windows. The back corner needs mowing but you have to really look to see it plus there are big trees. It’s not terrible so it can wait till spring. I do not have a lawnmower yet.
WAH was here Thursday working on my house and now has all these things he wants to do. S19 told me today that WAH is going to bring his mower here and mow my lawn. This requires borrowing a trailer btw. Did I mention he’s working two jobs? Oh and we don’t speak. Ever. 3 months completely dark.
Either he feels absolutely guilty for putting us here, bonding with S19, it’s a baby step or all of the above.
While it would be okay to refuse said help, while it's happening, I'm glad you're ascribing positive motives and appreciating it. This is a move away from the negativity you wanted to change.
I do read your thread regularly even if I only comment intermittently!
While it would be okay to refuse said help, while it's happening, I'm glad you're ascribing positive motives and appreciating it. This is a move away from the negativity you wanted to change.
CW negativity is how I protect myself at least that’s what my last 3 therapists said. If i can convince myself that WAHs motivations have absolutely nothing to do with doubts about D then I can lessen the devastation. I tell myself he’s just feeling guilty, misses S19, and once he gets me all settled in he will end us permanently. If this is true then I think it’s beyond cruel. It’s a mean, a horrible thing to do to me after 30 years. I think if he wants me gone then he needs to go away and leave me alone. Let me detach, let me heal.
WASs are so selfish. They want to keep the door open, want to soften the blow, want to drag their feet when they are the ones who want a D. They walked out. They are the ones claiming to be “done” then they need to go away. I get not divorcing right away because it is a huge decision but omg stay away while you figure this out. Don’t lead us on with “niceness” and mixed signals. Go away. I’m no contact not because I’m trying to get him back no I’m no contact because it’s the only way for me to get through this. 30 years that’s almost my entire adult life.
Yes I could refuse help but what if I’m wrong. What if he is having doubts. If he is then yes I come across as a negative person. I don’t know what his motives are so I have a choice. Assume the worst or give him the benefit of the doubt. For now I’m choosing to give him the benefit of the doubt. If at anytime I find out factually that it’s guilt or we do get a divorce then I want him to stay out of my house.
I read about no contact a few days after he left so I did that. I responded but didn't (mostly) initiate conversations. He'd text every other day, then every 3 days, a week, then a month as our "business" dwindled. Every text he sent was like a dagger and it took me days to recover. He left April 4th and I set my sights on May 22nd, the day S19 graduated high school. After that I was going to disappear for my own sanity. No contact came naturally because he was mean to me. I got tired of the hot stove coming to me. If I could go back I would have switched to email.
We had an emergency in June and another in July that forced me to see/talk to him. Our conversations picked up the end of July but I couldn't handle it. I sent two emails (I regret this) the end of July. He didn't respond and this is when I went dark. He cancelled the lease 3 weeks later via email. I didn't respond. 6 weeks later I sent a text because I couldn't rent a place on my income alone (I regret this). He responded and I ignored it. Sent another text asking him how much support he was going to pay (one sentence). He responded, asked if it was enough and I ignored. I just wanted a number. He went low but I decided I'd make it work.
S19 began coordinating the move because I was dark. I didn't need S19 and would have communicated in one sentences but he just took over. At this point I set my sights on moving without having to see or talk to him (mission accomplished). Ended up renting a house instead of going to the apartment. This was when WAH seemed surprised by my behavior. Once upon a time I was fierce but overtime became dependent on him. So my behavior was a 180 from now but similar to who I used to be. I didn't beg, didn't reach out, didn't say anything, I'd found my dignity and I handled it. I was fully moved out by Oct 5th without his help and this shocked him. It was hard but in a way I was happy it was over. I had my own place and limbo was officially over.
And this was when it got weird. Offered his parents furniture, wanted to help fix things, sent happy's via S19, drove by the house, offered his employee discount, etc. WTH?? I just wanted to be left alone. When he fixed my car I had this thought that I was starting to earn his respect. I'd backed off and given him what he wanted.
Yes the pressure was off so now he's free. What he doesn't know is I'm free too. I'm FREE. Yes I'm sad at times. Yes I want him back. Yes to all of this but I'm still free. Free from needing validation from men. Free from living with someone who didn't love me the way I loved him. Free from the pain of being codependent.
