Thanks, Slowly. I will lcheck out the goal setting threads.
Slowly, yesterday my H invited family over to our home to put the leftovers from the BBQ that we had for the B-Ball team on the grill. I was really surprised. My BIl said it is soooo weird that he says that he does not want to be home but he has his shoes off and is sleep on the couch. He is out on the grill like he is at home. My BIL is like he is strange dude!
I have to say that I have soooo much support from all of my in-laws. They really love me and support my fight for my M. My MIL use to get on him all the time but I asked her to stop because it will make it harder for him to come home if she kleeps telling him how wrong he is to walk out on his family.
I sometimes get discouraged because I wonder when the EA possible PA will fizzle out, if it ever does. He seems so in a fantasy world right now. HOw long does it take before he realizes ok, this is not what it seems.
He has responded pretty well to all of the boundaries until it was time to take S for the weekend. He brings S home Friday after his baskeball game. I said, how come you did not go home w/daddy? He said , daddy said I am not staying the weekend. I just said Ok.
Saturday after BBQ, I said you can take S w/u. He says it is hard because I am @ moms. I'll take him 2nite but I will not be able to get him every other weekend until I get my own place . I said, Mil has an extra bedroom. He said, I know but it is hard because they wont allow me to be a father to S. Mom and dad want to boss both of us around.
My original sitch is all spelled out in the Infidelity forum. It is buried since I have not posted since maybe February. I just became, instead, a "squatter" on Meredith's thread, until Betsey so graciously gave me a room in the "Friends" apartment. It would probably be easier if you just looked it up there, instead of me going through it all again. Be warned, though, that it was done before I learned how to break up my paragraphs...so it is long and tedious!
My H moved out this past Halloween weekend. He stayed gone a lot of Novemeber, then asked to come back. He slept on the couch for the longest time though.
We are working through things, slowly. Had I not learned patience I would have messed this up beyond repair months ago.
I sense there is some connection you feel to something I've said. Feel free...ask any questions you have. I would like to help, just not sure yet in what capacity I can do so.
As for your above post to Meredith- I'm wondering if you should get a seperation agreement in place that states that your H needs to take your S on the weekends or every other plus some days during the week. He should not be able to use the excuse of his parents bossing him around. Or, if you don't want to create an argument, is there a possibility that he could stay at your house on his weekends? Do you have somewhere you can go? I know it is disruptive to you, but would be a great thing for your son. I've known people who approached things this way, and it seemed to work.
Nitaf. You have a choice to make here. You can go to a lawyer, get a separation agreement which will detail out when your H does (and, for the record, does NOT) see your son. This is a choice that I made and haven’t regretted since. Your son needs a solid schedule. How confusing for him to not know where he is spending the night! Your H needs to know that you are not the doormat here. You’re getting trampled on by this guy!
At bare minimum you need to stop talking. He’s dancing around your boundaries, ignoring some and over emphasizing others. As I read that I was getting angry at the man, because truthfully he’s almost mocking you! And you are giving him exactly what he needs to keep going. By showing that you notice what he does, he has reason to continue.
"It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere."
--Agnes Repplier, writer and historian
I think it is BS that his parents are bossy! I think he just feels comfy w/me having S all weekend! I can ask him if he wants to stay @ oor home on his weekends. I can go to my sisters house.
We don't have legal separation in PA. We jsut separate on our own and make verbal agreements.
I have been dark for 2 wks. Should i be dark(no contact) or semi-dark(contact every so often)? I am a little confused about going dark. I don't want it to hurt more than it helps.
Slowly, when we had the BBQ on Saturday, H said stuff like.. you are doing a good job, good thinking and I am proud of you.
Goals 1.when H is feeling closer to me as a friend, he will call me to have small talk convo. (I have not always been easy to talk to because of some lies that he told in the past. I would always accuse him of lying)
2. When H is feeling mor friendly we will have a family outing w/S10.
3. As H continues to notice change, he will stop saying too little too late and just compliment me on the changes.
. I said, Mil has an extra bedroom. He said, I know but it is hard because they wont allow me to be a father to S. Mom and dad want to boss both of us around.