Me-32 H-32 together 16 years, married 5 S-10 Cat-12
Hi, everybody! I haven't been around in a while because my PMA has been down. My H has been running back and forth from our home to wash clothes, have dinner if I cook, spend time with son, watch son in our house when I am not home. HE feels free to sleep in our bed and go thru my things.
I wouldn't dare go to MIL's and I do have a key to go thru his things or sleep in his bed!!!!! He would have a baby!
Finally, after 5 mos of this behavior and Ml 1-2 times a week. SOmetimes after Ml he will be mean and when we get around family members he acts like nothing is going on between us! WTF
Finally I get fed up and set boundaries visit S @ moms, Get him every other weekend, no in and out, no washing your clothes here, call before you come. He says Let's D, we can go to a L together. I said, I will not go w/u. YOu make decision best for the family . That was 2wks ago.
I found out there is OW by snooping. I know 2x4. I accessed his cell bill online. It is atleast an EA possible PA. He of course denies it. She is just a friend.........ok. If she is just a friend how come I never heard him mention her nname in a friendly manor. He met her when he took a realestate class. The B**** use to call my house! Anyway that is neither here nor there. I haven't bought it up in about 2-3 wks. He keeps making references to me having a boyfriend. I guess that is guilt and trying to justify his behavior.
He had a PA about 1.5 years ago. He never really showed a lot of remorse. He said he was orry and it was because he was not getting enuff Sex. It was in other words my fault. I held it in and never talk to anyone about it. Then summer 03, I start going out and enjoying myself and get involved in an EA. He suspected something but could never prove it and I never admitted it per C. It seems while he was trying to woo me back he was already talking to OW and she was nursing his wounds being manipulative and now he is seeing her. SHe is probably the reason he left home. He keeps giving me all of these dumb excuses that don't add up! TOO LITTLE TOO LAte = there is someone else! It is never too late when there is no one else involved. HOw did he go from wanting to have another child in Aug. to TOO LITTLE TOO LATE in Dec.? It is because there is someone else. He will never admit it though. I am at my wits end.
My other thread is in Piecing. It called what next? I don't know how to link threads.
Are boundaries pushing him closer to OW? He would be w/her if he wants to anyway...right. HElp please!!!!!!!!!!
This is also a 180 for me beacuse I have always been a push over. Always afraid to say no because of insecurities from childhood and such. Abandonement issues but that is another whole story!
DO I have to be apush over? I felt the need to be assertive and I have never been before. I want respect. I don't want to be a doormat and I don't want him feeling sorry for me. THose things are not attractive!!!!!!!!
I want love and affection, not pity! MEn out there do you respect a woman you can walk out on and come ML, eat ect. without committment and not have to be accountable for your time but you want to control her time? I told him to get S every other weekend because he won't take the initiative to keep him overnite. He just takes him back and forth to sporting events???????? What does he think? Whas nothing to do on weekends but entertain S? Give me a break! COntrol freak and al manipulator.
He had me thinking this was all my fault and he could never trust me again because he suspects EA/Pa. WHen in fact this is all about him and not me. He wanted the chance to see OW in my opinion and that is why he chose to left and used that to justify his behavior!!!!!
I am so glad that i Can accept responsilbility for my stuff. I even take responsibilty for his A's to a certain extent. He says everything including his A is my fault completely!!!!!!! I said I let you balme it all on me long enuff. I take responsibility for my stuuf anad now you have to own your own stuff so stop fliiping the script. I know, not good DBing but sick and tired of being balmed for everything!
I was not always the nicest personm in the world, could be bitch at times, not giving words of affirmation BUT, I am no longer that person. H says I see changes but it is too late. WTF THat means someones else is feeling those needs so I don't need you in short????????????
I think that H lost respect for me beacuse i was always indecisive and afraid to stand up for myself!!!!!!!! No more of that. I will DB but I will demand respect as well!!!!!!
Just poppin by per your request. Like many sitches, when an OW is involved there isn't much you can do until HE STOPS it. My most direct words of advice to you would be NOT TO PURSUE HIM WHILE HE IS HAVING AN A OR TREATING YOU LIKE HE IS. I would act like I've dropped off the face of the earth, allow him to make all the contact, STOP contacting him for awhile unless its about your child or business, and start recreating your image to someone who is not going to be a pushover. It appears as though he is holding you at gunpoint about a possible EA you may have had in the past, nothing you can do about that, it just makes it easier on his conscience while he sees someone else.
No matter what the sitch, the principles are always the same. DROP THE ROPE, GIVE UP, act happy and confident, let him initiate contact, stay busy, DO NOT TALK ABOUT THE R OR THE OW, give him space, and do what you can to remove the pushover label. This doesn't mean you act mean or argue or complain and whine, you simply all of a sudden treat the sitch with subtle indifference, like you are slowly LETTING GO..( the idea is to RELIEVE PRESSURE in any way shape or fashion, so that the onus is always on his conscience..)and the next time he brings up a D, AGREE with him along the lines of "perhaps its for the best, maybe its just me, but we just cant seem to get it right CAN WE??... " and stay with AGREEING in a sincere fashion when he talks about splitting up..
I would also think long and hard about what exactly it is about this guy that makes you want him back. If deep down this is more about you not wanting to be alone than it is that he is your be all end all, I'd do some serious soul searching because nobody should be treated the way you are allowing yourself to be treated, but thats your choice. I understand the stakes are different when a sibling is involved, but it could be that there maybe someone else out there more worthy of what you can offer....
Hang in there, and work on your confidence level to the point where he is encountering a STRONG, ATTRACTIVE, "I can handle whatever is thrown my way" kind of woman. Those that carry themselves in that fashion, help themselves transition to whatever is next, not to mention positioning themselves as a much more of a challenge to the WA who is emotionally pulling away from you. Because I'll be honest, when a man pulls away emotionally, he will not pay attention to caring and affection AS MUCH as he will a woman who is STRONG ENOUGH to LET HIM GO, isn't a DOORMAT, and challenges him by simply moving forward with or without him. That will be an eye opener to him like NOTHING ELSE you can find anywhere in a book, C session, or on this forum for that matter.
The answer always lies in the mirror, take a look and do what it takes, it works or it doesn't, if it doesn't thats proof in the pudding you have a guy who just doesn't love you the RIGHT way..rather he wants to move on without you.
Thanks for stopping by Wiley. Wiley, thank you for confirming that no one needs to be treated the way that I am being treated.That is why I decided to no longer be a doormat, pushover, and dart board for his own guilt and infidelities!!!!!!
You asked me to think long and hard about why I want to be w/H.
H and I have a lot of history. I will briefly tell you a bit. I met H when I was 15. I had a very traumatic childhood. My dad got killed when I was 8 years old. My mom abandoned us and turned to drugs after his death! There were 7 of us. My fathers parents took custody of us.We ranged in age from 8 mos-14 yrs old. My G-Mom died when I was 13 and G-Pop died of brain cancer when I was 16. We took care of him @ home until he died.
My 2nd to eldest brother was 20, me, then 3 younger siblings. We managed to stay in our g-parents house after their death. My brother worked and I worked and went to H-School. After I graduated high school I got an apartment @ 18 yrs. My brother wwas tired of taking care of younger siblings ages 11,12,13. I took them and raised them with the help of H. We raised them and got them all out of high school. H has been there thru my grandfather dying, raising my siblings and just a few years back my brother committing suicide. He has been very supportive of me.....I am not making excuses for him but I think that he feels that he has always been so entangled in my emotional turmoil that I somehow cause his unhappiness. I told him that is called unconditional love. You did not do those things becasue you wanted something in return but because you love me and wanted to support me through hard times.He has made the comment that he has spent half of his life taking care of me. I corrected him by saying we have spent our lives taking care and supporting of each other. At least that is what I thought. I think he is in a depression and does not know it. I know that I have spent almost half of my life in and out of depression, in and out of therapy. Whenever we get to traumatic issues I stop therapy. I have have associated everything that I have ever loved with pain. I think I did it with H as well and subconscoiusly tried to push him a way before he abandoned me.
Wiley, I thank you so much for saying something that actually bought tears to my eyes. That is no one desrves to be treated this way. I have allowed myself to be treated this way because I felt that I was in debt to him and he has given me so much more than I have given him. My confidence level and self- esteem has suffered beacause of fear of abandonement. I have been a wonderful wife, aa mother that has raised a gifted child (acording to his IQ)He is 11 going to the 7th grade! I am not only a mother and a wife but I work full-time as a QA coordinator for a hospital. I keep a beautiflu clean house and prepare a hot meal for my family everyday. I may nmot have been the perfect woman but I was the best woman that I knew how to be. I may not have loved completely with everything that I have but I loved the best that i knew how considering my painful backround and being afraid to love someone with my all, for fear of losing them. I am typing through tears because if nothing else comes out of this I am learning to face my demons from the past, to love, and that I am worthy of a healthy and respectful love. I may not YET BE THE WOMAN THAT GOD INTENDED ME TO BE, BUT I AM NOT THE WOMAN THAT I USE TO BE! I made a decision when I set those boundaries that it is a win win situation for me wether I come out of it with H or not. I will come out loving myself and having dignity and respect.
I have supported him through his nephew dying, an arrest, his g-mom dying and at 1 time being unemployed. I have helped him get an excellent job.I have never bought it up because supporting him is a part of loving him. Isn't it?
Seems to me boundaries are necessary for our own sanity. Tricky part is being honest with ourselves when drawing up those boundaries. Otherwise there will be constant internal conflict. Wishing you a peaceful weekend. Hugs, Slowly
Thanks Nik, I am so strong on the outside. People tend to think that I can get through anything. It is hard for me to ask for support because I have always been the rock! I tend not to but my burdens on my siblings. They have been through enuff! I want to be vulnerable and know that I am not going to be hurt or taken advantage of. I have never had or allowed myself the chance to feel this way. I am a hurt little girl inside that needs reassurance and love. It is allmost like having a split personality. I have shared more w/u guys than I have w/folks that see me everyday. The people that see me everyday think I am this wonderful , smart, happy, and confidant woman. I probably am but I don't feel it always, but I am learning. I feel safe w/u guys. Thanks so much for letting me run off @ the mouth!
One of H's complaints is that I would never let him all the way in emotionally. Although he has gone through the traumatic events w/me, he can never understand exactly how defensive and scared it has made me.
H called me yesterday with 2 stupid questions and then called back @ 1am. I didn't answer the phone. Should I call him and see what he wanted or let it go?
If a friend or co-worker called you with a couple of questions, would you call them back?
If it's not urgent, call when you get the time. Treat H as you would anybody else. That's one of the keys to detachment. Don't overanalyze things, make assumptions, or set expectations.
Just treat him like anyone else. Don't play games. Just call him back and see what he wants.
" and stay with AGREEING in a sincere fashion when he talks about splitting up..