Perfecting my inner peace

[Grace21]

A small emotional setback this week.

H has been reaching out to that mutual friend he met with a few weeks ago. A lot. She and I had dinner this week, and she shared a lot of what he was saying to her.

H had said to me in an email he was "not happy. Torn". That he "cared for me. Deeply. More than I realize'. Wishing me a Happy Thanksgiving. Exact words: "Hope all of you enjoy your Thanksgiving Holidays. obviously I won't be around"

I almost regret my friend sharing what H wrote to her. Reading what H sent to me.

H is a mess. Why should I care? I'm not really surprised.

I think his expressions of being not happy. Torn. Caring for me, prompted expectations in me. Did I expect him to act on it? Give me the big apology I so crave?

Maybe.

Probably.

Time to get back on track.

I've got family and friends coming for Thanksgiving. Lots of activities and several invitations to parties for Christmas. My life is blessed. Full.

I do feel sorry for H. But, he is living his choices.

Life is much the sum of our choices, isn't it?

Grace.

[DejaVu6]

(((Grace))) You are right...life is the sum of our choices and you H is living his. Nice to know that not all WASs are as sure about their choices as they seem. Regardless...we LBSs have to move forward and leave them to their own devices. Glad to read you are keeping up your PMA and making plans with friends. (((HUGS)))

[Yail]

Caring for me, prompted expectations in me. Did I expect him to act on it? Give me the big apology I so crave?

This right here is the crux of a lot of my current emotional state as well Grace. My former and I are still no contact, but I get emotional at the realization I will very likely never receive an authentic and understanding apology that I (at times) desperately want. It's like she has no idea what she had done to me. Or maybe she does, and feels the kindest thing to do is stay away. Who knows.

Because for me I know even if I were to receive an apology right now I could not handle it. It would tear me down back to wanting her back and having expectations that she wanted the same.

You are not off-track. You ARE on-track. It's just that sometimes the track is wobbly with emotion. You're still doing what's best for you and that's what really matters.

[HaWho]

This concept of wanting an apology is totally normal. I am 5 yrs. post BD and divorced. I no longer crave it because I know I truly deserve it. I was far from perfect. But I deserved better - not because I am so great, but rather, because his treatment towards me was so disproportionate to what I was owed after so many good years.

This is on them. In the end, I feel sorry for them. Stable people don’t do these sorts of things. They have lost the plot.

[DnJ]

Good Morning Grace

An apology. That would nice.

That big apology that we crave.

But, what is an apology? What is it that you imagine? What is it you want or are wishing/hoping for?

The “I’m sorry....etc,”, the words? I think the words would become hollow pretty fast.

Grovelling? Begging for forgiveness? Probably not what you are after. Without doubt it would be a start, but lacks substance.

Believe nothing they say, and only half of what they do.

The apology - the sincere admission of guilt or fault and an expression of true remorse for thoughts and/or deeds. Includes the fallout and affect of their actions upon others and the collateral damage. An ownership and a desire for amends.

That, of course, is going to take a while. They will start with seeing/accepting their guilty feelings. Move into seeing their fault in this. Regrets will happen, but true remorse will take some time and inner searching. Regrets are self looking, remorse has a pronounced empathy within it. And MLCer lacks empathy, so remorse is going to be down the path.

However, regrets. Expressions of regret. Actions and words. Part of that apology.

H stated in an email to you that he is not happy, he is torn. He cared for you. Deeply, and more than you realize.

Regrets. H’s regrets - at that moment in time. Remember, consistent long term behaviour - not one time things. Still he did express some feelings and expressed them to you. Something I have yet to receive.

That is an apology. Probably the best he can do right now. Not the one you are imagining, the big grand “I’m such an idiot, what was I thinking?” kind of thing; a little lesser which is understandable he is of course still working his way through things.


Did you respond? Thanked him and hoped that he also enjoys his Thanksgiving? I figure you probably responded kindly in some fashion.

Does his email and words change your path? It shouldn’t. And I don’t think it did; you are still on track. You never fell off it; it just felt like you did.

We follow our beliefs, those slowly changing values. Feelings will stir, get created, and flit. An apology from a MLCer who is peeking out during the holidays. Treat him kindly and follow your beliefs.

As H’s actions and words become consistent, his apologies more empathy filled, your beliefs will alter if you want them too.

It’s ok to want that apology. To take that desire out of storage once in a while and shake out the dust and wrinkles, like a blanket from the far back of the shelf. Realize your desire is driven on two fronts - from your ego, the wanting to be validated; and empathy and caring for H, wanting him to grow and heal.

Your desire is out in the light. Shook out and fresh an crisp. Fold it back into storage, knowing where, what, and why it is.

Your path has become a blessed and full life; much from your choices. Perhaps a big apology is awaiting in your unknown future; maybe even I have one in store. We’ll only know once we get there, and one needs to move forward to discover what the future has.

The choice to let go and look towards the future - a blessed and full life indeed.

DnJ

[Gerda]

Gracie, a practical matter. How to make a plan. So far we will be in the same place on Dec 26. Is there a way I could leave you my contact info at your hotel or somewhere else. Or can we PM Job our info and she can get it to us?

[job]

You can't private message on this forum as the capability is not activated. Unfortunately, the moderators do not have access to any contact info on the posters, therefore, it would be impossible for us to assist in a meet up. The best thing to do is suggest a meeting place and describe what you will wear. For example, you may have a purple hat on or be holding something out of the ordinary. I would suggest a meet up place and not a hotel (for safety reasons). You never know who is lurking on the forum and may opt to play "surprise" to you in that area.

[Grace21]

Gerda - I'll be staying in midtown. I could suggest a pub or coffee shop. You can either leave a message there that day, or we can just plan to meet. If one of us can't make it, I guess we could just post here. Will you be unavailable after the 26th? Thoughts?

[Gerda]

Grace -- I will suggest a place. I am trying to rent out my apartment during that time to be able to pay for a trip somewhere with the kids and that is why the dates may be out of my control and are still unknown. We'll check in a few days before X-Mas and then delete the post after we have both seen it.

BTW Midtown -- It is very touristy and there are not very many places to go that aren't extremely expensive. The "real" neighborhoods where New Yorkers live and go out are all the other ones. For your D especially there are other neighborhoods where all the cool young beautiful people go out. : ) It is easy to get to Times Square from anywhere. But maybe you are looking for the big lights experience and you can visit the other places.

[Grace21]

Hi Gerda - I will await your message. I do hope you are able to rent your apartment so that you and the kids can have a nice trip.

I know Midtown is touristy. But, it seemed a good central location - walking distance to Central Park, Times Square, etc. The kids have their agenda, and it's for them. My thing was the Rockettes. Tickets are purchased. S22 said he wanted to go to each surrounding borough, but I don't think that will be feasible in 4 days. LOL

BTW - how does one delete a post?